I'm back

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I'm back

Unread postby good dad » Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:38 pm

Hello All,

It's been 6 months and I have been trying to fix things at home. I don't know what caused it, but I am once again ready to file for divorce. It was a criticism yesterday about a tv show that I watched. It was a British tv show and she started in saying what a bad person I am for watching it. I watched it online- its a simple public tv show- nothing inappropriate except for a few f-bombs. I watched it alone.

I dont know if its the stress at work or me looking at my partially finished house and seeing how fustrated I am with it. I have lost the desire to keep the renovations going. I have never had so much opposition in my life except when I was a kid bouncing from house to house with people who did not care for me. Speaking of which, I am feeling lethargic and chest tightness. All symptoms of depression. She had me like this last summer as well. I have let my finances slip as well. I honestly think I have been down for a long time because of her constant attacks and criticism.

What kills me the most is what is going to happen to my kids. She is almost a special needs person. She does not have the ability to talk about her behavior. Therefore, I am almost not mad at her. Admittedly, I knew she was "off" when we met. As previously mentioned, I was simply delighted someone was willing to be in my life and she showed decent moral values.

I have told her for years her mouth is going to be the ruin of us. She says I need to toughen up. I am really afraid this is affecting my health. On an airplane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself, prior to helping your kids. If you are not properly functioning, you are of no use to your kids.

I need to take care of myself in order to help my kids. I don't know if this is my was of justifying splitting their home up or if it's really what I need to do. Me having a heart attack or falling into a deep depression where I can barely function, does not help anyone. I am deeply afraid that is where I will end up.

It's almost like she is an empty vessel. If I told her I am filing divorce, she will say fine in a softer tone then make a passive aggressive comment to the kids about how "daddy doesn't love mommy anymore". No ability to look into herself and see how her actions are harming the family.

I know the question here comes up "when do you it's time to file". My answer is you will know when it's time.

I guess my question to you guys who filed, how did you square ( justify) it to yourself about what you were putting your kids through? I have heard divorce is a selfish act. I dont what to be selfish and hurt my kids. However, this woman is affecting my work , health , finances, etc.All due to her inability to stop with the constant criticism.

I know this is not a psych forum. However, I am also wondering if I am subconsciously repeating patterns I saw as a kid. I have taken significant strides to create a stable and loving home.

Thanks as always for your feedback
good dad
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby dad2grls » Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:46 pm

Every person who files for divorce is putting their needs ahead of their children, who will unvariably be affected to some degree as per the numerous and indisputable statistics that clearly prove children from divorced households do not do as well in life as those from intact households.

There are of course exceptions to this general rule.

If the children are being abused or neglected, or constantly exposed to considerable strife between the two parents, then the divorce may create a situation that is the lesser of two evils.

So first I'd ask yourself if the children will be better off if in a broken home as compared to whatever they might be enduring now. If your answer is "yes" well then it's a no brainer, everyone is better off, get your < hindquarters > down to the courthouse and start improving everyone's life.

If the answer is "no" and you believe your children are largely shielded from the dysfunction that currently exists between you and your wife, and she treats them well for the most part then it's time for the tougher question.

Are your needs greater than those of your children? Again almost every person who divorces answers yes to this question, or at least they would if they WERE asked, most probably don't even consider the kids or they just rationalize it in their own heads as best they can.

I went through a divorce, I was miserable and I put my own mental and physical health and well being ahead of the need to keep them in an intact household (although there was a lot of unhealthy fighting). The relationship between my 2 daughters, then 14 and 10 and now in their early and mid 20s was forever adversely affected, one didn't pursue a college degree electing to have 2 kids of her own at a young age and the other dropped out of college. They're both struggling badly. Could it have happened that way anyway? Absolutely. But divorce increased the odds against them having a positive outcome.

If you're looking for votes, based on what you posted, I'd divorce and just try to be the best dad I can for the children who will soon be experiencing a major life adjustment and will probably never be the same. But they'll probably be ok.
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby good dad » Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:15 pm

Thanks- She has caused untold amounts dysfunction in our home. Kid's do not have a proper home due to her fighting with me every time I have to turn a screw. This is the same women who thought sheetrock held the house up. She does hit the older boy alot more than I wish her to.

I simply cannot carry the weight of working a few jobs and having her attack me constantly. I do not expect friendship or support from her. I would be content with no criticism.

Thanks again
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby whatever_works » Sat Jan 13, 2018 5:19 pm

Without reading your old threads, I am wondering if you can get help from therapy. A friend has an alcoholic wife and after coming close to filing, he found a good therapist and got help for himself. He is still married and claims to be happier. Wife is still trying to kick the habit with partial success.

Specifically, look into CBT. A lot of the things you mentioned are significant - because you make them so! This is similar to the DGAF thing mentioned here many times. I know it is easy to say don't give a f*** about this or that. But in the end, you can choose to not give a f*** about many things in your life.

Sorry, probably not the answer you were looking for.
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby Minerva » Mon Jan 15, 2018 9:48 am

I look at the "you are putting your kids through divorce" situation like this:

If you stay in that house you are modeling for your children what a marriage looks like. Do you want your son to be in a relationship where he's getting nagged all the time and he doesn't stick up for himself and requires to be treated fairly? Do you want your daughter to treat her husband like everything he does is wrong? By staying married, that is what you are teaching, that these are normal and acceptable behaviors.

By divorcing, you are saying that these are not reasonable or acceptable behaviors, and you have the chance to model new and appropriate behaviors or at the least give off the message, "If I can't find someone that will treat me appropriately, I will refrain from a relationship."

Personally, I think the worst thing you can do is stay in a sham marriage, but that is just me.
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby ib536 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:10 pm

I have heard divorce is a selfish act. I dont what to be selfish and hurt my kids.

Like Minerva stated, you could be hurting your kids just as bad (or worse) by staying in the marriage. You're thinking about "sucking it up" for the kids' sake, but to your own detriment. If you can't function as a father and support your kids physically, emotionally, and monetarily, how are you helping them by staying with your wife?

It's a tough call to make that decision to file. It's emotionally nerve-racking and takes a major commitment. But sometimes a "better you" could mean a better life for your kids also.

I don't have an answer for you as I feel that is a personal decision every man has to make for himself. Whatever you decide to do, though, don't take it lightly. I wish you the best.
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby Coffee fiend » Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:18 pm

If you had a heart attack and didn't make it what about your kids then?
You are the model for your kids as Minerva stated and unfortunately divorce is very commonplace these days. In my own personal experience, once i was free from the dementor i had attached myself to, I was able to show my kids a new happier world and a happier dad. Yes there are difficulties, but there are no matter which way you go. No matter what you choose I would suggest working on yourself so you can be super dad to your kids. Don't hang your self image and well being on the words of someone else. Try to see yourself as your kids see you.
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Re: I'm back

Unread postby Broken Machine » Wed Jan 17, 2018 1:27 pm

My wife dropped the separation bomb about a year and a half ago. Turned into her wanting a divorce. She filed first even though I was just about to. What put me behind was trying to work through deciding to divorce. I already knew the wife wanted out (I found her divorce notebook and stupid < hindquarters > memes about narcissistic fathers and abuse on her Pinterest site). She was cold and looked at me with pure hatred. I figured that she wanted out but wanted me to file first. But I was wrestling with it for a long time because I knew that it would affect my kids and I would have to live with the choice for the rest of my life.

Anyhow she filed first right as I was about to. So I was behind because I was rationalizing the choice to divorce. I wrestled with it with several pillars of my being. But on the bright side, it just cemented the knowledge that she wanted out. Though she filed first, I am at least up to speed. I have 50/50 parenting time on temporary orders. I am at peace with my marriage ending. I feel that I have tried everything to save it. It has helped me to get to the "acceptance" phase of dealing with grief. And I can also tell you (and I don't know if this is good or sad) that since my STBX has moved out that my life has done a LOT better.
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