I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby kgr1989 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:01 am

My father keeps telling my I should just let it be as it is and seek out a divorce by itself without any custody arrangements for the kids. His views are that no matter what I do I won't be able to fully be involved in their lives unless I dump massive amounts of money at this and even then it's risky. He's told me that when they're older that they'll seek me out and find me on their own and I'll have to answer their questions then and be ready to be involved at that time, but he's made it clear that he doesn't think I'll be able to any other way.

I can understand his point also, but I don't want to just give up. I might have not gotten anywhere over these years leading to any settling of the situation, but I never stopped looking for them on my own. I've just been down a bunch of dead end paths over and over and now I feel that I should just go ahead and fork out the money to have someone else do what I've been trying to do on my own. Finding her has proved to be far out of my capabilities.

Once I find them I'm just not sure of what path to take. I love my kids and I want to be in their lives, but the distance and the lost time really hurt it and I'm not sure if I should just wait on them to seek me out on their own and me just get a divorce. So many things cross my mind about all of this and I end up confusing myself. Hopefully I didn't just make myself sound stupid :lol:
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:29 am

No, but your Dad isn't as wise as you are. He's suggesting a chump attitude.

Hoping the CA contingent can chime in as I am fighting to stay awake. But they're mired in fire, mudslides, and heavy rain...hoping they are okay and will be around to help out shortly.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:24 am

It's never too late. You made another mess before cleaning up this one. Your best bet is to relocate to be closer to your oldest and hope your GF is supportive. Waiting until they are older and make them seek you out? You know that doesn't feel right.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:05 am

OP, so sorry you are here but you are in good hands now.

Yes, big mistakes not seeking to have the kids returned immediately and expecially getting another woman pregnant while still married. What a tough situation... I am not sure what you should if current girlfriend is not supportive of a move to Oklahoma? You would basically be leaving your one child to be with your other children who don't even know you. I really hope you can find a way to get your current family to move. That would be best for all your children. Have you even discussed the subject yet?
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby kgr1989 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:28 am

I haven’t discussed moving because until now it never crossed my mind. Honestly, I think if it was something that I wanted to do that my girlfriend would support it fully, but I’m not really wanting that route. It’s 1,500 miles or so away from everyone that I know. I’ve got family that is on this side of the coast and I’d be moving halfway across the country to an unknown place. I also can’t just up and transfer to a different part of my company. I work for a large family owned business here, but this is their only location. I could work somewhere doing the same thing out there, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin as of right now since all I know is that they’re somewhere in the state of Oklahoma.

I guess my first step towards a solution would be to find them. Obviously I’d have to hire a PI. Would this be something that I’d hire locally in my area for, or would I hire someone out of the state of Oklahoma? Does anyone know a ballpark figure of how much it might cost me? Of course it will vary as to how hard she is to find, but I’ve got all her information. Does anyone happen to know of any way I can find her myself? All I’ve been able to do myself is search for her name and I’ve paid one or two sites for “background checks” on her, but they all lead to dead ends. I know her SSN as well as my sons, but I haven’t found anything that lets me search using that.

I hope I’m not coming across like I don’t want to see or be involved with my children. I honestly do, but financially I haven’t been at a good standpoint until recently to where I can hire someone to do the things I haven’t been able to do. That’s also another reason why I really am not leaning towards moving across the country. The move would be expensive and I’d still have the costs of going through the courts on top of all that.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby Broken Machine » Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:44 am

What type of work do you do in your current job? I am in the Oklahoma City area (ironically my home state is NC). I know you don't know where exactly in OK your kids are at. But what I can say is that OKC is pretty much in the center of the state and there are plenty of jobs to be had here. There are countless civilians who work on the base here. I know you are juggling a lot right now. But the suggestion from others is to see if you can move closer to your kids. And I know employment is a concern as well.

Scope out usajobs.gov to see what is available in the area as well as the entire state of OK.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:18 am

you won't be the first to say you can't move and you won't be the last. It isn't about you, its about being a dad to two kids you helped make. You can't change the past, but you control the present and future.

Don't make your fears the reason you didn't seek out a meaningful relationship in your children's lives. Yes, it is a crappy situation, so make crappy situation soup!

You can do this, but you have to at least see where the GF's head is at. Your kid is young, they will adapt.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:38 am

So the GF isn't likely the problem. It's you and your actual desire to be engaged in your kids' lives, contingent upon your convenience and your job. At least you're being honest about that. I bet your family would be happy to come see you out in OK, especially a hero who chose to actually parent the kids he fathered.

I'm curious about what is the point of doing all this if you're not willing to be in their lives for more than an income stream for their mother?

But if you do want engagement, yes, find them. in the absence of restraining orders preventing your proximity to them, perhaps the CS agency can help. Probably will require the courts, though. Get your GF on board.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby Chaos » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:39 am

Just out of curiosity, before you drop hundreds of dollars on a pi, you've tried spending $15 on a people search site, right? I've used one several times and never came up empty.
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Re: I've been lost for nearly 7 years

Unread postby dad2grls » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:42 am

kgr1989 wrote:I guess my first step towards a solution would be to find them


I think your first step needs to be to determine whether or not you are able and willing to expend the time, money and effort that is involved to have them back in your life.

Be honest with yourself, take your time, this is a big decision.

Lots of fathers walk out of their children's lives subsequent to divorce, not to say it's "right" it's just one choice of several.

If you ultimately decide that it's not worth the inconvenience, the unsettlement of moving, or the expense, then carefully consider whether you want to even contact them in the first place.

Another option is to have a long distance relationship and visit periodically.
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