How to handle it?

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How to handle it?

Unread postby rclv83 » Wed Mar 29, 2017 8:21 pm

Constant noise.
Emails.
Texts.
Threats.
Motions.
Lawyers.

It seems to never end.

My body is getting very, very tired. My mind even more so.
I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

In one breath, I think "< edited > it." But then I know that I can't say that because my d7 is counting on me to essentially save her from her mother. So I fight. I argue. I reason. And it never, ever seems to end.

The most mundane of situations become these merry go round arguments where NJ agrees in one hour, and then contradicts herself the next. My recourse? COURT. Lawyers. Money. Over the stupidest < feces > that she just can't seem to make sense of.

Obviously I'm ranting, but damn...I'm whooped. Sometimes I don't think that it's the LAW that beats a lot of dads down...it's the impossibility of negotiating with a terrorist, and sometimes we just end up taking the path of least resistance.

I know all the advice of "find some guy friends" to "get a good therapist" and I have both...but I'm also human and the non-stop racket that NJs can generate is ear-splitting.

I want off the merry go round.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby Me_and_my_boys » Wed Mar 29, 2017 9:10 pm

You're involved in a noisy process. Much of it is external. But a lot of it is probably the voice in your head, strategizing and so on. Try to quiet it from time to time, if only for a few seconds. There's great benefit to this practice.

You must distance yourself mentally/emotionally from her. She's sapping your energy. All the fighting, arguing, reasoning, is a waste of your limited resources. Disengage.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Mar 29, 2017 10:06 pm

Can you find a rubber band that fits around your wrist?

Let me know.
Volenti non fit injuria
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Mar 30, 2017 6:05 am

I was like you at one point.

But then I turned the whole thing into my personal hobby.

I mean who else goes to court every Friday morning and every other Wednesday morning for 7 months watching cases? I can recite laws and case law and even unpublished case law that can be used in motions, I read the judges bench book multiple times too, I seriously made it my hobby. Kind of got to be fun after I started viewing it as a game of chess. I now find Family law to be fascinating and even though my war is over I might still go to court to watch cases every now and then.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby lionel2013 » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:58 am

Sometimes I don't think that it's the LAW that beats a lot of dads down...


It certainly, absolutely is. You can try and find some solace in that reality -- I know I did. Throughout my divorce, my friends and family (all of them unfamiliar with divorce laws in the US) were appalled and aghast at anything and everything, they didn't understand the illogical and unfair nature of what was happening. I had to explain, and explain again, that many/most of the stuff happening, as unfair as it was, had to do with the IL divorce statute.

Hang in there, most of us have gone through the same exact < feces >. But this too shall pass.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby dofb » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:22 am

My two cents: Find a few people who have been through it in person... use them as your anchors. I have a few very nice people who have been through this and have advised me and counselled me. More minds are better than one. The stress is better managed if you let others walk the path with you.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby RockyCali » Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:15 pm

dofb wrote:My two cents: Find a few people who have been through it in person... use them as your anchors. I have a few very nice people who have been through this and have advised me and counselled me. More minds are better than one. The stress is better managed if you let others walk the path with you.

+1. Mega +1.

You get a small cadre of people that care enough about you to also check in when they haven't heard from you in a few days or a couple weeks, and you'll be amazed. These people are good for you being able to just vent the whole story and process and updates ... and then all that stuff won't be rattling in your head.

I know the feeling. It sucks. But get yourself a confidant or two and your mental health will be immensely improved!
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:39 pm

We men can be our own worse enemies sometimes.

We don't reach out for help when we need it. By the time we do we have made such a mess of ourselves.

Just be careful what advice you take from the common divorced man though, in my experience most of them fell on their own sword.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby whatever_works » Thu Mar 30, 2017 3:26 pm

I'd like to repeat the advice on disconnecting above. If you have support and you find that you can vent, then you also need to focus on a complete diversion from time to time. Whatever hobby you can find that makes you completely forget the world around you is recommended. For me, photography is that. I find myself totally, completely immersed in taking and making digital photos. My d16 says painting does the same thing to her.
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Re: How to handle it?

Unread postby yeller » Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:51 pm

lovingfatherof2 wrote:I was like you at one point.

But then I turned the whole thing into my personal hobby.

I mean who else goes to court every Friday morning and every other Wednesday morning for 7 months watching cases? I can recite laws and case law and even unpublished case law that can be used in motions, I read the judges bench book multiple times too, I seriously made it my hobby. Kind of got to be fun after I started viewing it as a game of chess. I now find Family law to be fascinating and even though my war is over I might still go to court to watch cases every now and then.


How do you go about turning it into a hobby? Do you have any recommended books to begin? What's the best course of action?
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