Apologize for the lengthiness
I met my ex at age 5 she was 8 at the time. After a mutual friend's wedding, we connected strongly, and began dating her. I have to say that I was barely in college and just didn't know how to date. It was a summer fling and ended at my request. She is a person that has a lot of drive when things don't go her way.
After about 6 months of no contact, she called me up to see if I wanted to meet her at a restaurant in the city in which I was going to school. She was there on business for her father, while she was on the job hunt after she graduated. I couldn't deny her, she was up there and I had been womanless for about 3 months. We had a good night and we stayed in contact a little bit. It was always weird with her, the less I paid attention to her and thrived on my independence the more she wanted me. I get a phone call at the beginning of my sophomore year, with her proclaiming that she had applied and got accepted to grad school. Well, there went my college career. For the next 3 years I was essentially connected at the hip with her. She was a huge control freak, she would never let me drive and always spoke for us in everything we did. I lost who I was, no more fraternity parties, no more hunting, no more roadtrips...just her and I. She was always feeling very left out, if I went to have a drink with a friend, without her company. I warmed up to the idea eventually, it was nice to have somebody to cook meals, help with laundry, and be intimate with. After a while, I did fall for her, after months of struggling with the notion. I felt obligated to love her as she moved 9 hours from home to be with me. It got really comfortable and the love she gave was very reassuring, it felt unconditional or maybe desperate. Our talks were very open, almost too open. I really hadn't been as experienced in love as she had. I practically lost my virginity to her. So the depth of not knowing anything about the subject was very new. She taught me a lot. After awhile I felt very threatened by all this and let her know about it. I was on my way out until my brother died in a car cash. I went through hell. Began to drink a lot and was pretty broke up about it. Shortly there after, I became very dependent on her and flipped a switch. I ended up proposing to her.
We were married after 5 years of dating. After college I took a job and was fired. After two other unsuccessful stints working for companies that were either downsizing or nearly bankrupt, her father offered me a job. I took it immediately and relocated to our hometown. Life was great, we had our first of 3 kids a sweet little girl. As time went by we began to drink quite heavily on the weekends because our daughter was a very restless baby. Things at the job began to get hostile between the secretary and myself. She was jealous of me cutting into her retirement, and me getting bonuses all the time for Christmas and work well done. After putting up the b/s the job began to get less interesting. At one point in time, her father suffered a massive heart attack, and I ran the office for several months. We had 2 boys during this time (almost Irish Twins 16 months apart). Life was really spinning out of control. So much unrest in the house, nearly dysfunctional. Fights all the time. Yelling and screaming. Depression set in with me, because I couldn't believe what was going on. She became detached about 3 years ago or so she said. She blames me and my hobbies (golf, hunting, and watching sports). I blamed her because she never showed any affection. It was like she got me and I became less of a prize. So, about in January shortly after our 10th Anniversary, she began talking with a friend from high school, who had just lost a wife due to suicide. She was open about it and quite frankly I didn't approve. I thought it would calm down but it never did. After our son's 4th birthday, she went over to his house and spent 8 hours talking about our dysfunctional marriage and how unhappy she was. She thought that it was perfectly normal to hop in to her SUV and drive to his house eat dinner and talk about our problems to some guy I didn't know. The next weekend she had a girls weekend, and they met up at a bar where she cut her chin on the toiletpaper roll. She was then rushed to the hospital by him and he stayed and waited for her to take her back to her hotel. Apparently something happened, because she said that she felt vulnerable and admitted to doing something with him or at least used him as an excuse to put the final nail in the coffin. I lost control and restrained her then let up and thought to myself "what are you doing".
The next day I was forced to leave and she said that she'd like a divorce. Her dad then laid me off with 2 months pay, which a good chunk went to paying the mortgage, child care, and bills. At that time, I was in a state of shock. I looked for 2 months and finally found something, however, it is about 300 miles away from my former life. I miss my kids so desperately. I have quit drinking because it would only do harm to me. I live in an apartment with a roommate, because I was having terrible anxiety (used to live in 3000 sq ft house). My finances are not that bad, but my mental health is not great. What am I going to do? I just want to die.
Please somebody give me advise.