Ok here goes and this is hard for me I have been married for 17 yrs have two kids boy 16 girl 13. I am considering a divorce for several reasons and need some advice. Trying to approach this through a cost benefit analysis to take the emotion out of it and am thinking I'm stuck in a loveless marriage because a divorce would ruin me financially. Can give more details if needed
A divorce will ruin you financially...probably for years. And the effect on the kids will be profound.
Don't go there unless you know for a fact, and that you got there through good faith effort to find the love again, that there is no hope for reconciliation. Leaving aside infidelity, drug or alcohol addiction, violence or abuse, or personality disorder, make sure you can look yourself in the mirror a few years on with confidence that you did your level best for the kids and for yourself.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
if you can stick it out and be happy in your miserable situation than why don't you? but obviously you aren't happy or you wouldn't be here asking questions. you need to decide what you want out of it & proceed from there. if it's all about losing 'stuff' like money, cars, house, etc than you better stay where you're at. if it's about gaining happiness, freedom, independence and a sense of self than you should consider divorce.
before you do anything you should really think about marital counseling. have you even told your spouse what you're considering?
When I hear "loveless marriage" and no other details, I always assume it's "fixable". Not always the case, of course, but it usually indicates one person putting their own desires ahead of the "good of the family", so to speak. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
What you're considering is going to cost you alot more than the $.02 I just threw in.
I decided to remain in a loveless marriage after trying to fix it with counseling. And trying to get divorced over a three year period.
Currently seperated in the same home. I pay all the bills and am single handedly putting my three kids through college. I find my happiness in taking care of my kids needs and guiding them into adulthood. I have put my need for emotional happiness on the back burner.
I did however seperate all the finances. I give her no $$. And she refuses to help with bills, home repairs, college expenses, kids health care costs, kids activity fees. She works 20 hours per week and refuses to work to her full potential as she knows a Judge will use this against her someday. It is basically financial ruin that I am living, but all my money is going to my kids and the few things I do for myself after working 60 hours per week. Which I have decided was better than giving her the money and fighting to have her participate financially.
It's not easy. But it's worth it.
Pars & Birdies
I doubt this is a permanent situation. I cannot live like this forever. But for the time being, I have committed to putting my kids first.
Im guessing FOF's reply was in jest, but just in case you took it seriously, you should never get involved in an affair. You lose the moral high ground and then it becomes the focus of why marriage is bad or ended.
Seeking help wrote:Ok here goes and this is hard for me I have been married for 17 yrs have two kids boy 16 girl 13. I am considering a divorce for several reasons and need some advice. Trying to approach this through a cost benefit analysis to take the emotion out of it and am thinking I'm stuck in a loveless marriage because a divorce would ruin me financially. Can give more details if needed
If you're looking at this purely from a financial standpoint, a divorce is going to cost you. You're talking about going from one household, to two households (you'll have to get your own place)...where you'll have to pay not only for your "new" life...but your old one as well.
This is one situation where, in my opinion, emotion does factor into it. Are you completely miserable in your marriage? Do you find yourself daydreaming about how much better your life would be without your wife in it? etc. I'm talking beyond a "loveless" marriage...I'm talking about a marriage that induces so much stress that it literally causes physical and psychological side effects.
If she's not giving you loving, you can always wait until she's asleep...flip her over...and PIITB. That'll learn her.
Unlike others in this forum, I found myself much better off financially a few years after the divorce. The cost seemed pricey for me at the time but it was well worth it. I paid six years of child support at Texas guideline, with no alimony, and which was affordable even when my ex and son moved back in for a few of those years. It helped that my cost of living was low.
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