Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby C-Can » Wed May 09, 2012 4:46 pm

I have my kids every weekend. We made plans for this weekend to go to a cousin's wedding out-of-town. However, ex-wife wants the kids for Mother's Day. I have no problem doing what I can to ensure that we get the kids back on Mother's Day, but my wife is not happy about changing our plans. Ex-wife did not let me have the kids last Father's Day, but I am really trying to do what I think is right and be the bigger person here.

My wife, and mother of my 2 other kids, never seems satisfied with the weekend schedule. My ex and I are very flexible with the schedule. I am usually the one "flexing" to suit my ex-wife, but I think that it has paid off, for example, she has finally given me permission to take the kids to visit my home country. We sometimes never know what the weekend is going to be like until Friday @ 5pm when my Ex decides to confirm the plans. My wife keeps wanting to know about the plan in advance, but it just doesn't work that way.

We argue a lot about this, when we're really supposed to be on the same team. How do I get my wife to support me with regard to the weekend schedule with my kids?
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Fatheroffour » Wed May 09, 2012 4:49 pm

Hmm

How do I get my wife to be a good wife?

That's the million dollar question. Hopefully someone will come along with the golden answer.
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Trevor » Wed May 09, 2012 4:58 pm

You say you have the kids every weekend but then you say she interfered with your Fathers' Day time, which always occurs on the weekend. Did you document this interference?

You say you're going out of town for a wedding then you say you're changing your plans. Meaning the kids aren't coming with you?

If your wife thought her stepkids would be going with you and her to a wedding instead of hanging with their mom on mothers' day, she's either not very nice or not very smart. Not asking, just sayin'.

Your wife has a right to not like the fact that all the kids are with you every weekend (except Fathers' Day apparently). But she knew that, going in, right? She also knew it when she joined you in conceiving two additional kids, so none of this is a surprise. She needs to deal with it or come up with some alternative solutions that work best for you, her, and the kids.

If things are so hunky dory with your X such that she grants you permission (as if it's hers to grant) for things, then what have you done to come up with a better solution for the late-notice weekends?
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Thoughts? » Thu May 10, 2012 1:03 am

(1) If your ex didn't allow you to have the children on father's day, and you didn't insist or didn't stop it, shame on you, that's an important holiday and your role is important.

(2) If your ex didn't allow you to have the children on father's day, and you insisted or documented your demands to exercise that and the terms of the orders are clear, then she committed access denial.

If (1), your current spouse is encouraging you to grow some cajones. But before you are a < edited > and deny her mother's day, you need to do some homework and document your concerns first, and learn to draw a line in the sane. Or put another way, grow cajones.

If (2), you need to insist on comp time, and make that comp time Mother's Day. And if she has a problem with it, best any one will get is mutual contempt charges and slapped by the judge for not being more cooperative.

My instinct tells me, from reading between the lines, that you are rolling too easily, and trying to call it cooperation.
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Chris A » Thu May 10, 2012 11:45 am

My wife, and mother of my 2 other kids, never seems satisfied with the weekend schedule. My ex and I are very flexible with the schedule. I am usually the one "flexing" to suit my ex-wife, but I think that it has paid off, for example, she has finally given me permission to take the kids to visit my home country. We sometimes never know what the weekend is going to be like until Friday @ 5pm when my Ex decides to confirm the plans. My wife keeps wanting to know about the plan in advance, but it just doesn't work that way.


This seems to crazy to me. As a adult I would never let my ex control me like this. I can understand your current wife's frustration because now she is also being jerked around by your ex.

I dated a girl once that lived like you. We often had to cancel dates or make changes to our plans because her ex could not stick to the plan and liked to cause drama. I was glad she was there for her kids but over time it was clear her ex was just controlling her and she would not put a stop to it. Listen to your wife because it sounds like she has some valid points.
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Bubba Seal » Thu May 10, 2012 2:04 pm

I was in your situation for a while, when I got remarried the ex would wait til the last minute on everything, this is just rude on your ex's part, she is pushing you around.

I had a long talk with my ex and my daughter and just made it clear that I needed at least 24 hours notice of any changes, if not then I didnt feel obligated in any way to change things. It took a bit, but these days we plan a couple of weeks ahead and everything is fine.

At one time we had an exchange spot, my ex was great at letting me sit there for 30 minutes to an hr and a half after our designated time, I finally just told her I will wait 15 minutes, if you arent there Im going home and you can just bring her there instead, it happened twice but after that she no longer is late on my time.

You dont seem to know how to set your boundarys, I cant believe you would wait until 5pm on a friday to see what you are going to do for the weekend, thats your own fault, but if you are happy with it then fine, you just may wind up with another divorce on your hands if you continue.
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby coparentchamp » Thu May 10, 2012 2:32 pm

If (1), your current spouse is encouraging you to grow some cajones. But before you are a < edited > and deny her mother's day, you need to do some homework and document your concerns first, and learn to draw a line in the sane. Or put another way, grow cajones.

********************

I second that.

It's kind of ridiculous that your ex feels that it's okay to change plans on a whim...and that you are expected to be okay with it. If you have specified time with them - then take it! This time with you is not a "gift" from her that she can take away anytime she gets pissy. She has NO control over the time the courts said you are to have YOUR children. You say that you both are flexible with the schedule - but you are the one doing all the flexing - then that is not being flexible - that is being a pushover! Yo have a schedule - dammit demand and expect that they are delivered to you at the time and date specified!
And they fact that you are upset with your current wife that she has the *gall* to expect to know roughly how many people will be in the house, how many mouths to feed, how many kids to plan for in entertainment, work around soccer games etc... more than a few hours before the weekend??? Seriously??? Boy - you have earned yourself a slap upside the back of the head...
While I agree with you on the kids spending Mothers day with thier mom - 1st - she should have made that plan with you sometime ago instead of just telling you. 2nd - make sure that you get Fathers Day...that should have been on your divorce decree. Come h$%l or highwater - make sure those kids are with YOU that day.
Start making changes in your exs demands today - DO NOT be afraid to say NO to her. What can she do? Divorce you? Phhhht! The more you put your foot down and assert your rights as a dad and make her follow the decree - the more tired she will grow of hearing NO - and will, overtime, back off. If you are within you legal rights - then by all means grow a set and make sure they are followed.
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Fatheroffour » Thu May 10, 2012 2:57 pm

The OP has his kids every weekend.

He let mom have them for Mothers Day.

Step mom is POed.


Dad has been flexible with mom, which he feels is to his benefit for him and his children.

Step mom is POed.


From the OP, dad has the kids every weekend. Unless he doesn't. So Step Mom isn't being put out by having to do anything "Extra" when the schedule is upset.


Other than having different kids with different women, how is dad at fault here and what does it have to do with his testicles?
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby Mattie » Thu May 10, 2012 3:02 pm

You don't mention how old any of your children are, but I would like to point out that this instability is not fair nor beneficial to them either. Perhaps your ex-wife is always scrupulous about making sure that hers and your kids always get to whatever they may have had planned for the weekend, but what about your current wife and your kids? They too are being affected by these last-minute decisions on the part of your ex.
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Re: Wife not happy with me playing nice with Ex-Wife

Postby newwife » Thu May 10, 2012 3:28 pm

It is my understanding that parental birthdays and mother/father's day trump normal parenting times.
Your wife and you should have assumed that your ex gets mother's day unless it's written otherwise in the parenting schedule.

You should have exercised your father's day time-no matter what ex says.

I understand your wife's frustration.
You need to put up a boundary with your ex. It is ok to be flexible as long as it ends up a 50/50 give and take.
However it is unfair to think it's ok to disrupt the whole family's plan because of your ex (by family i mean your children with ex, your children with wife, and you and wife)

You have obligations to your whole family.
It is ok for you to give up some time with kids on your time (as long as you get extra something later) but last minute is not ok.
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