Share your mediation experience?

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Re: Share your mediation experience?

Postby coparentchamp » Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:04 pm

I applaud you for being reasonable. Do you think the mediation would have worked if you were out to get every penny you could, maximize alimony and child support, and become the gatekeeper to the kids?

Again, I'm not trying to offend you, its just worth noting that when both people are reasonable the mediation isn't too bad. When you're dealing with a NJ, its very difficult process.


Not offended - from a woman perspective - guys can be NJs also....my ex was in danger of becoming one - my patience worked twofold...it kept him talking and also pissed him off something fierce that I refused to take the bait and get nasty back. He began to realize that when he got all "NJ-bee"...and I sat serenely in my chair waiting for him to put his head back on straight - he just looked like a fool. (I may be patient & amicable - but I was and am NOT above taking private pleasure in watching him get scolded ;-) ). He has tried to play gatekeeper/"you owe me half of the $4 I gave kids for ice cream", with the kids and info on occasion...but his current wife is there to slap him upside the head.
My BF went through a really rough divorce with his ex...he was generous and patient - but she did go the route of the female NJ - she demanded max of everything and minimal custody...and was pissed when he got a lawyer and the lawyer said no (she was of the mind that she was entitled to legal counsel...but how dare he!). Now years later - she still nickels and dimes him...and hates it when he does it back. She plays gatekeeper majorly with the kids, walks the line of PAS, insults his parenting at every turn, attempts to undermine his (and mine) standing in the community (that one backfired), throws him under the bus to the kids dr's...etc. I just want to shake her and tell her grow up! (But then I'd have an assult charge on my head and letters from her lawyer...thats her MO).

So I have seen it from both sides...I see how "good" it could be...and how bad it could be. I keep in mind the long term....the other parent is going to be part of our lives...forever...and unless you want your child stressing out over which parent s/he wants the most at thier graduation/wedding/childs birth/baptisim etc...because mom and dad can't be in a room together without the police being on call - even after 5/10/15 years apart....sheesh!
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Re: Share your mediation experience?

Postby defaultuser » Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:31 pm

I hear you. There are lots of male NJ's out there too. I know some.

We forget sometimes, because this board is meant to promote father's rights that the pendulum often swings both ways. Most guys are here because they are trying to fight an unreasonable woman.

The guys that come here with a NJ attitude get chased of pretty quickly. Even faster than the women who want to post a lot of drama (you don't appear to be one of them). :D
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Re: Share your mediation experience?

Postby jumbledone » Tue May 01, 2012 7:12 am

defaultuser wrote:I hear you. There are lots of male NJ's out there too. I know some.

We forget sometimes, because this board is meant to promote father's rights that the pendulum often swings both ways. Most guys are here because they are trying to fight an unreasonable woman.

The guys that come here with a NJ attitude get chased of pretty quickly. Even faster than the women who want to post a lot of drama (you don't appear to be one of them). :D


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Re: Share your mediation experience?

Postby coparentchamp » Tue May 01, 2012 8:18 am

We forget sometimes, because this board is meant to promote father's rights that the pendulum often swings both ways. Most guys are here because they are trying to fight an unreasonable woman.

The guys that come here with a NJ attitude get chased of pretty quickly. Even faster than the women who want to post a lot of drama (you don't appear to be one of them).


I am a huge advocate for fathers rights - It angered me when I went through my divorce that so little consideration was given to my ex just because he wasn't a female. He was/is an amazing dad who loves his kids every bit as much as I loved them, it made no sense to me that it was automatically assumed that I would be the only custodial parent and he would only see them every other weekend. I was floored at how biased the courts were just based on gender. The best parent is one that loves the kids with all thier heart...regardless of thier gender...and 2 parents are better than 1 - even apart. My kids know that they are well loved, equally, by both parents...

And yes - I am the anti-drama woman - I get enough of that with my ex and my teen ;-)
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Re: Share your mediation experience?

Postby Bubba Seal » Tue May 01, 2012 9:37 am

Lets see mediation.

Originally my ex was moving out and her attorney and mine wanted to get the parenting agreement done, first, we mediated in the same room, got pretty emotional at times, but i think in the end we were pretty reasonable, the mediator was really good at cooling things down. We did get an agreement, at first she wanted 80% and me 20%, in the end we got a 50/50 with the agreement that neither was primary, and if we counldnt agree on something we agreed to go back into mediation, so far in 8 years weve only come close to that one time, I like this setup, cause it doesnt give either parent the upper hand in children and decisions.

We mediated 3 times in seperate rooms over the financials, we didnt really get and agreement from this, but it did provide me with the knowledge of things that were important to her, such as health insurance, I remember them wanting me to pay around $2000 per month for 5 years, when I got done I found out that our current insurance would just write her a policy for around $480 a month, so I agreed to provide insurance for 5 years, Ive got a couple of years to go, it has gone up to $520 a month but way better than 2 grand a month.

Originally she wanted lifetime alimony, but after going thru mediation, both mediators just told her she probably wouldnt get that because she had worked and maintained her CPA practice and license thru out the marriage, so in the end no alimony.

We had quite a few assetts to devide, when you look at this stuff in one big lump its overwhelming, what I did was go piece by piece thru what we had and we did come to some basic understanding who was entitled to what thru all of that. I couldnt borrow enough money to make it all happen, so we compromised and I agree to let her finance our business interest, and the things in the house, over a 7 yr period, with 4% interest.

We actually settled in the courtroom hallway before court was too start, I gave in and added $15,000 to pay on her attorney fees at the last minute to seal the deal.

Mediation gave me time to figure out a way to work it all out, its just a big jigsaw puzzle that had to be taken one piece at a time, to structure payment and things to suit her, and also in a way that I could afford.

I honestly hated mediation, and it cost a fortune for us, but without I dont think we would have gotten to an agreement.

I think you have to decide what you are not willing to give up, before you go in, and make sure you have some things that you can compromise on in mediation in order to keeep things rolling, otherwise to me there is no point in going thru all of that, just go straight to court.

Good Luck, I would advise against signing anything in mediation, first you need to get a n agreement in principle, and then you need some time to really think thru it, dont be pressured into settleing, until you are comfortable with what you are doing, plus make sure you really look financially at whether you can afford to do what you are agreeing too, I have one buddy who just wanted to get it over with and agreeed to everything and he regretted if for a long time, he gave in way too much in my opinion.
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