Divorce Rules Dos and Don'ts

A number of excellent articles which are referenced time and again. Great reference materials from our members.

Divorce Rules Dos and Don'ts

Unread postby wintrywood » Sat Apr 16, 2005 9:35 am

1. Do not talk about the other parent. This tears a child apart. It also makes them feel bad about themselves.

2. Do not talk badly about the other parents family or friends. Children care about them even if you don't.

3. Do not talk about the divorce or other grown up stuff. This makes a child feel sick. Please leave them out of it!

4. Do not talk about money or child support. This make a child feel guilty or like they are a possession instead of your child.

5. Do not try to make child feel bad about spending time with the other parent. This makes them afraid to confide in you.

6. Do not try to block < parenting time > or allowing the child to speak to their parent on the phone. This is upsetting to the child.

7. Do not interupt child's time with the other parent by calling over there or planning activities during other parents parenting time.

8. Do not argue in front of the children or on the phone where they can hear. This turns a child's stomach inside out.

9. Do not ask children to spy for you when they are at the other parents home. This makes a child feel disloyal and dishonest.

10. Do not ask me to keep secrets from my other parent. Secrets make a child feel anxious.

11. Do not ask me questions about my other parents life or what I do with my time with them. This makes a child feel uncomfortable. Just let them tell you what they want if they want.

12.Do not give me verbal or written messages to deliver to my other parent. Again this causes a child anxiety. Call the other parent, leave a message or post a note in the mail.

13. Do not blame my other parent for the divorce or for the things that go wrong in your life. This makes a child feel really terrible! They end up defending the other parent from your attack. Also it makes the child feel sorry for you or like they have to protect you. They just want to be kids. Don't put them in the middle.

14. Let me take my things to my other home as long as I carry them back and forth. Again this makes children feel like they are just your possession.

15. Realize that the child now has two homes not just one. It doesn't matter how much time a child is spending there.

16. Do not treat a child like an adult it causes too much stress for them. Find a therapist to talk with.

17. Do not ignore their other parent or sit on opposite sides of the room during school or sports activities. This makes a child sad. Act like parents and be friendly, just for the kids sake.

18. Let a child love both of you and see each of you as much as possible. Be flexible even when it is not part of the regular schedule.


Thanks for loving your child more than you hate your ex! : )
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Unread postby dadsdivorce » Sat Apr 16, 2005 10:32 am

This is all excellent advice on how to deal with children during a divorce. So much so that it belongs in the reference section permanently.

Thanks wintrywood for reminding everyone that the kids should be left out of the battle...
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Unread postby wintrywood » Sun Apr 17, 2005 8:21 am

I got that from my parenting coordinator but I believe it may have been copied from a book called "Divorce Poison" which I believe every divorcing or contemplating divorce parent should read. Most of it is common sense but at times when emotions and tempers run high, its easy to forget.
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Unread postby HockeyDad » Mon Apr 18, 2005 7:33 am

The only exception I can see is planning activities on the other's time. While we guard our time with the children jealously, when it comes to things the children want to do, such as sports that occur on a regular basis, we have to make time on "our time" for that because it's really still our "children's time". I wish my ex could see this because she holds a blatant double standard in this area, obviously disfavoring the sports I'm involved in with the kids and they love. I wish she were grown up enough to see this double standard.
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Unread postby wintrywood » Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:02 am

I know its ridiculous. Makes you wonder who the children really are doesn't it?
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Unread postby HockeyDad » Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:36 am

Yes it does. I feel like I have two extra teenagers (that I'm supporting) in addition to my 14 yr old daughter and two boys.
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Unread postby wintrywood » Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:43 am

One good thing dad is the children grow up. This doesn't last forever.
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Unread postby HockeyDad » Tue Apr 26, 2005 11:00 am

True. I have missed so much with them-so many years. When she left they were 4,5 and 7. I have th memories and the photos and things the ex can never take away. Thanks for the comments. I suspect someday a woman will love me unconditionally for who I am and love my kids too.
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Unread postby wintrywood » Tue Apr 26, 2005 11:12 am

Perhaps, but even if one never does, LOVE yourself! Don't let this experience define who you are. You are a dad! Proud and strong! Always remember that!
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Unread postby HockeyDad » Tue Apr 26, 2005 12:28 pm

I will! Thanks! :D
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