Divorce, house, etc.

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Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby Lion1234 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 4:39 pm

New thread - continuing from viewtopic.php?f=8&t=80051

Story so far...

2 kids - B12, B8

Moved from NY to NJ in Sep 2017. In the process of building a house, ETA - Feb 2018. Moved into a temporary 1 bedroom apt.

Few weeks later wife announced she wants to divorce.

We cannot file in NJ until Sep 2018 (1 year residency requirement). Can't file in NY either.

I moved out Oct 25 when she told me about the divorce. Couldn't stay in the tiny apartment. Yes, it was a mistake.

Asked for 50/50 custody. She's thinking about it. Likely she will agree. Working on the parenting plan meanwhile.

Planning to move back in next week, Thu-Fri.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 4:58 pm

Do you notice a change already in your thinking? I do.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby Lion1234 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 5:16 pm

sure, after you beat the crap out of me :oops:

I might be slow, but i am not stupid. Not too much, anyway.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 6:43 pm

I don't think your intelligence was ever in question, I'm sorry if it came across that way. Your logic and fear of the mother is what needed tough love.

You need to put your children's needs first without worrying about how your STBX will respond. It's a departure in how your life was previously it appears. You also need to treat this as a business transaction. Take emotions out of it.

When you are making decisions, think, not what she needs/wants, but what your kids do.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby Lion1234 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 6:58 pm

No hard feelings at all.

I think I have some residual guilt about the whole marriage breaking down, it was in large part my fault. I also hurt the kids by leaving abruptly. Just don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I guess some of it is inevitable.

We'll see how it goes when I show up. Hopefully, it won't be an all out war with kids caught in the middle. I am confident I'll be calm, but that in itself might cause the other party to overreact.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby Chaos » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:03 pm

Just keep that recorder running.
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 8:58 am

Brother, we been there and veterans of this board have the war stories to prove it.

Isn't it funny how you have guilt for a failed marriage? I thought it was two people that take a relationship to work. Look, it happens, people get divorced, and those people have kids sometimes. What your STBX is expecting is all the perks of being married - your money, your house, controlling your access to the kids, without actually being married to you.

You can only control one thing - yourself. If you don't start a war, there is nothing you can do if she does. You can only contrtol what you can control.

I suggest investing in you. I'm a big fan of the emotional inteligence recommendations, I also personally recommend 7 habbits of highly effective people. The crux of those two books is managing the time between stimulus and your reaction, something that you are always 100% in control of, but that is all you can control.

Model the behaviour you want your children to emulate. Don't lose your temper, don't make this a battle with your ex in front of them. Learn to use these phrases:

"not in front of the kids"
"sounds important, send me an email"
"you might be right"
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby Lion1234 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:03 am

I have guilt only for my part in it, not hers. Of course, she puts it all on me.

I will check out the books.

Thanks and happy new year, everyone.
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:35 am

of course she does, because she has created that narrative and is probably spinning daily. My STBX has, and has turned my family against me. I'm a monster! I'm sadistic! I'm abusive!

Ignoring the fact that she banged out a married dude and has checked out on the marriage and the kids for the most part, its all my fault!

Getting to yes is another recommendation, it talks about framing things in terms of principles.

Example - The oldest was acting out, big time, and expected to still be rewarded. When I framed it based on principals, she had zero response.

Me: "Do you think we should reward him for bad behavior? Do you think we should reward someone for treating someone worse than they want to be treated?"
Her: "You're ruining their childhood!"
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Re: Divorce, house, etc.

Unread postby Lion1234 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:49 am

Mine is not behaving like this. At least, not yet. But everything she asks for is "for the kids."

House - "It's for the kids. It will break their hearts." Etc.

Maybe it is, mostly. But accept reality. It's not doable. I gave up trying to explain reality, she's just going to have to face it.
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