Is it worth it

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Is it worth it

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 6:10 am

Hey all. As my wife and I are moving forward towards our separation and inevitable divorce, I wanted to get your thoughts on something. My wife is currently in school, has two years left. She has not held a job in over 11 years, and never finished school because of marrying me (in the Army and move a lot) and because of kids. Now she decides she is going to work towards schooling. I have the means to pay the bills as they are now, assuming there is no more debt (would be approximately what I would owe in spousal support and child support but it would come at a cost of having to "stay married" and be separated for those 2 years. This is because the Army gives us money for our house payment, so I would only pick up the added cost of an apartment for me.

If I opt to separate and divorce before she finishes school, then because of the school and safety of where we live, she would almost have to move to SC where her parents are. We are currently living in NC, 3 hours from her parents. So, in your experiences, is it worth it? If I get her through school as a surgical tech, it would mean less money that I would owe in child support and spousal support, not to mention that she is "entitled" to a portion of my military retirement. Thanks for your time and thoughts/comments.

I am asking for actual help and thoughts, and not the typical "screw her" comments.
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:40 am

If you can ride it out until she is working, all the better. How involved have you been over the years? Did you always handle half the duties at least?

If you have the time, why not spend more time with the child so mom can focus on being more self sufficient? Dad gets more bonding time with kid, mom is self sustaining, both parents have equal access to child and support child.

How feasible would it be to get your ducks in a row? Is divorce the only option?

Never move out, ever.
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby Trevor » Fri Nov 10, 2017 8:56 am

You're asking the wrong questions.

What are your goals for being a Dad to the four kids? Ages and genders?

I agree you get her working before making a move - but why is divorce in your plan? Has she been unfaithful? Have you?

Divorce with kids in the mix won't be fast - and the moment she gets wind of divorce, she may stop her education/employment plan and know you'll be paying her bills for a very long time.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 9:22 am

Kids are 3 girls (11,4,3) and 1 boy (8). We have been fighting g for a year, briefly tried counseling. This all started when I found out that she started having an emotional affair with a neighbor, her girlfriend. Over the course of the following months, I found out that over the 15 years we have been married she has often thought of being with a woman. I have been deployed for 4 mo the, and she has gone out of her way to ignore me, and has completely pushed me away and stated that she does not see herself as my lover or wife. This is the general overview of the situation . I have tried for the last year without so much action on her part. The only other option I see is to stay married, live in the same house but be unhappily separated.
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 10:24 am

so you can teach your kids to stay in a loveless marriage themselves? You know how you feel, but there are 2 people in this equation. Unless you are 100% certain, you need to protect yourself. If she has been with you for most of your time in the military, chances are she can read a LES just as well, if not better than you and knows all the ins and outs of the archaic benefits. regardless of man/woman/whatever, if the marriage can't be saved, and one of the parties doesn't want it saved, best to move forward.

You won't be the first service member taking to task because of the lifestyle you lead, the question is, are you going to be prepared for it?

No deployments until after divorce is final, if that is not an option, get out - what good is retirement if you just give over half of it to your STBX and only see the kids every other weekend?
I would make sure you have a handle on all things legal and finances. Nothing makes a command get in your ish like creditors calling your command about YOUR finances.
Don't tip your hand. You will need to be able to reflect in secret and make your next move, if you need to, computer hygiene needs to be stepped up
lastly, to protect oneself from false domestic charges, especially in the service in which we all know there is a prevelence, you will not be afforded the same due process.
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 11:41 am

not trying to teach my kids to stay in a loveless marriage, thats is actually one of my biggest concerns with staying married, but separated to co-parent in the same house. My wife actually has only looked at an LES a handful of times since we have been married, and does not know where to find it or how to log in. I personally do not feel that she would be vindictive, but how many guys felt that way just to get screwed over.
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby Campfire » Fri Nov 10, 2017 12:19 pm

Armydadof4 wrote: I personally do not feel that she would be vindictive, but how many guys felt that way just to get screwed over.



That is a question you don't want to find out the hard way. One thing you will find out about our membership is we do not advocate the "screw her" mentality. We advocate what's right for you and the kiddos. Some of that advice can sound pretty harsh but let's be realistic, you are talking about suing your wife. You don't honestly think she's going to be magnanimous about this whole thing, do you?

It's a two sided coin. Just as you need to protect yourself, she needs to protect herself. Then you add in attorneys and "well meaning" friends to the mix and you have a positively spicey casserole of vengeance and greed. Treat this as a business dissolution. It's not about getting even, it's about getting out.
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby Armydadof4 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 1:01 pm

I hope you did not misunderstand me. I am not saying I am goi g to sue her. I am trying to do what’s best for the kids and I and if that means her getting her education, credentials, and job the. That’s what I will be leaning towards. At the end of the day this will help with the quality of life of my kids and will lessen my financial impact. Not sure where you are getting I said or was talking about suing her?
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Re: Is it worth it

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Nov 10, 2017 1:37 pm

Divorce is a law suit. The verb to sue is derived from suit.
Volenti non fit injuria
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