Dealing with school paperwork

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby ScaredNConfused » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:16 pm

We have enrolled our S3 into a pre-school, and by enrolled I mean my ex placed our S3 on several wait lists without telling me. It took mediation on several topics to get the names of the pre-schools, after my ex informed our pediatrician that "she" was looking at pre-schools for him. After I researched the two, I was very happy with one and good with the other. He got into the "good" pre-school. I did the orientation and the school let me know that they hadn't gotten the paperwork yet that they had emailed. Well it turns out my ex didn't give them the email address we are required to use which we both have access to. The school got a copy of the permanent orders and very quickly updated their system and resent the paperwork to the joint email.

I reached out to my ex via the communication website we have to use. I sent what I feel is a BIFF style message basically saying to let me know what help she needed to complete the paperwork and to send it to me for review before submitting to the school. I'd rather keep exact wording off of the public side, but if someone wants a PM with my message and her response send me a PM and I'll do it. I included that if I didn't hear back from her by Monday morning, that I would fill out the paperwork and send to her for review.

I got an extremely nasty response, which included that she would just do the paperwork as she does everything else for the kids.

These days dealing with her leaves me at a complete loss for how she even thinks.

I have no doubt that she will just fill out the paperwork and submit it to the school without letting me see it. I see several options that range from bad to not good and am curious how people deal with this stuff both in the short term and long term.

I can do nothing (not happening, we have joint decision making and school even pre-school is very important, and I can't let a status quo be created of her do everything for school even if it is against my wishes)
I can remove my agreement with the pre-school and delay my son from starting (not happening, this is punishing him for the conflict between my ex and I)
I can wait until Monday morning, assuming I'm right and haven't gotten the paperwork to review, I'll complete it and send to my ex to review. I'll include a deadline that says if I don't hear back by X time, I'll submit to the school.

I really have no idea how to even direct my lawyer on long term strategies, I listen to her to but I really like to have ideas before I talk to her since ultimately I'm in charge of the legal side. I'm meeting with my lawyer on other non-kids stuff later today, so this will get added to the list :x
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Re: Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby Broken Machine » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:36 pm

Sounds like my STBX, just wants control. It was also explained to me by a friend who went through a divorce (his ex was a SAHM as well) that the wife has some sort of "identity" with being the caregiver to the kids. I really wish I could remember the exact phrase he used. But the point is that your ex sees herself as taking care of the kids. And this perception of hers is pushing you out of the picture. If you start to take part of the caregiver duties, she will get defensive. Of course, that is just one point of view from my friend's experience in his divorce.

As for advice, I would ask your lawyer since you are already meeting with him. I wouldn't spend much time on it. I'm not sure if you can even do anything. But good on you deciding not to interfere with your son's enrollment/attendance in Pre-K. That is putting the kid's interest first.

I would follow through with what you told your ex about filling out the paperwork and turning it in on Monday. Hell, if she gave you a nasty response, I would fill out the paperwork now and turn it in before Monday. But again, I don't know what response she had.
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Re: Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby ScaredNConfused » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:00 pm

Broken Machine wrote:Sounds like my STBX, just wants control. It was also explained to me by a friend who went through a divorce (his ex was a SAHM as well) that the wife has some sort of "identity" with being the caregiver to the kids. I really wish I could remember the exact phrase he used. But the point is that your ex sees herself as taking care of the kids. And this perception of hers is pushing you out of the picture. If you start to take part of the caregiver duties, she will get defensive. Of course, that is just one point of view from my friend's experience in his divorce.
Yep, it is all about control. The PRE report repeatedly states that she has control issues and to be fair stated that I let her do things that way with the intention of reducing conflict in the marriage. Part of the "justification" for a ramp-up parenting plan to 50/50 is so that the "mother can adjust to the father making decisions".

Broken Machine wrote:As for advice, I would ask your lawyer since you are already meeting with him. I wouldn't spend much time on it. I'm not sure if you can even do anything. But good on you deciding not to interfere with your son's enrollment/attendance in Pre-K. That is putting the kid's interest first.
Thanks it is always nice to hear confirmation that I am putting the kids first. I really suspect that this is going to be a $200 letter between lawyers saying that my ex is not practicing good co-parenting with nothing happening, but it will be documented to add to the patterns.

Broken Machine wrote:I would follow through with what you told your ex about filling out the paperwork and turning it in on Monday. Hell, if she gave you a nasty response, I would fill out the paperwork now and turn it in before Monday. But again, I don't know what response she had.

This did cross my mind to just go ahead and do the paperwork, but I'm going to keep my word and wait until Monday. She has this narrative that she tells everyone that I'm angry, violet and dangerous to her and the kids. So she'll just spin me submitting the paperwork early as getting angry at her.

I did send the two messages via PM.
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Re: Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:26 pm

S&C just a suggestion but communication of importance should be sent via Email.

Not saying you couldn't do PM message as a duplicate as well, but for documentation purposes, and getting her accustomed to using email as the main venue for your documenting purposes, I would suggest using email.

In a low conflict amicable situation maybe pm or text; but will it always be amicable.

Maybe my post was more for the new guy than for you Scared and Confused.

Hope you don't mind me asking but have you thought about changing your user name to reflect your current mindset? You don't appear to be "Scared. .." anymore?

Frame of mind matters. Words matter. User names. ..?
"No." is a complete sentence.

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Re: Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby Broken Machine » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:42 pm

OP stated that he had to communicate through a website that he has to use. I gathered that this was similar to an email in that it is a record. As I responded to your PM, even if your ex files the paperwork without your review you should be able to go back to the school to look over it and make any changes that need to be made. Also make sure the school has a copy of your decree or any other paperwork that pertains to the divorce, parenting time, etc that the school will need to know.
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Re: Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby ScaredNConfused » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:01 pm

Havalu7 wrote:S&C just a suggestion but communication of importance should be sent via Email.

Not saying you couldn't do PM message as a duplicate as well, but for documentation purposes, and getting her accustomed to using email as the main venue for your documenting purposes, I would suggest using email.



Sorry about the confusion, 99% of our communication is done through OurFamilyWizard, the remaining 1% is the absolute minimum conversation in person when exchange our kids and setting up the Skype calls. I've dealt with too many lies, false accusations and such to not want as much as possible documented.
Havalu7 wrote:
Hope you don't mind me asking but have you thought about changing your user name to reflect your current mindset? You don't appear to be "Scared. .." anymore?

Frame of mind matters. Words matter. User names. ..?


That is a very interesting thought. I'll think about it, my first thought is more along the frame of mind has changed even though the words haven't. I'm still scared, but it is more defined and originally it was all about the unknown. And anyone who isn't confused by the legal system, has never dealt with the legal system :lol:



Broken Machine wrote:OP stated that he had to communicate through a website that he has to use. I gathered that this was similar to an email in that it is a record. As I responded to your PM, even if your ex files the paperwork without your review you should be able to go back to the school to look over it and make any changes that need to be made. Also make sure the school has a copy of your decree or any other paperwork that pertains to the divorce, parenting time, etc that the school will need to know.


Thanks, I'll take a look at it in a moment. As soon as I found out that S3 had been accepted and was going to start, I faxed them a copy of the orders. They immediately made some changes to the contact information that my ex hadn't followed the orders about. I just got a nastygram from her about that, which I'm ignoring. OFW will show I read it, but no reason to respond to her demands.
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Re: Dealing with school paperwork

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 6:03 pm

Sorry OP i was confused (again :roll: ). I thought you were communicating thru her with via PM.

I think one of the best things about this forum and band of men is that we (soeaking for myself and my experience) will give you a positive push, or a word of encouragement that you may be needing, or too deep inside your own misery or her constant devaluing of you to recognize your self worth.

You have a lot if value and you help guys here. Dont always agree with you but you shovel the gravel.

How about Finetuned & Laserfocused? Kidding but mindset is one biproduct of being here.

You got this bro.
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