DGAF or speak up??

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby californiadad18 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:28 pm

Hey there, so I recently found out D3 calls Mr. W "dad". Haven't said a word about it to the ex but considering D3 calls everyone in her life by name I can't imagine she calls him "dad" because she learned it on her own. Should I speak up and ask ex to stop letting/encouraging her to call him that? Or is my ego the only thing that's in any real danger and just tune up my DGAF meter?
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:04 pm

By virtue of the Custody order which declares you the one and only Dad, it should be a term reserved for your paternity.

However, at three years old, there are some language learning milestones that the child may not have made the connections with - networking the word “dad” into that which means just you. It comes with age, and a discussion with your child is appropriate.

Do you think the mother encourages it?
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:13 pm

Are there other kids in the family that call Mr W dad??

When she wants to get my attention, my 3 yr old neighbor calls me dad.

Tom
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby californiadad18 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:30 pm

BartSimpson wrote:By virtue of the Custody order which declares you the one and only Dad, it should be a term reserved for your paternity.

However, at three years old, there are some language learning milestones that the child may not have made the connections with - networking the word “dad” into that which means just you. It comes with age, and a discussion with your child is appropriate.

Do you think the mother encourages it?

I have no doubt she either encouraged it or at the very least did not correct her. My daughter is pretty smart for her age(ya i'm sure everett says that). She calls everyone else in her life by name, autine so and so, uncle so and so, pets names etc. I am upset but I don't feel like there's alot of recourse legally speaking or even practically speaking. My daughter literally said ai have two dads. She did not learn that phrase on her own. By this point I feel like I may have to wait it out until she's old enough to have a sit down with.
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby californiadad18 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:32 pm

Tom Kirkpatrick wrote:Are there other kids in the family that call Mr W dad??

When she wants to get my attention, my 3 yr old neighbor calls me dad.

Tom

I am not 100% but I think Mr. W may have his own child. I don't know too much about him.
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:37 pm

Well, I’ve written a couple of hundred threads on this topic, and I often recommend something we call the R3 process.

As a means to search them, the term “daughter of Satan” seems to help. Check out a couple of those threads, some go back 5 years or so, but therein are explainations of the R3. Report back when you have done a little research and I’ll help you personally write an R3 to the mother.

Cool?
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby californiadad18 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:47 pm

BartSimpson wrote:Well, I’ve written a couple of hundred threads on this topic, and I often recommend something we call the R3 process.

As a means to search them, the term “daughter of Satan” seems to help. Check out a couple of those threads, some go back 5 years or so, but therein are explainations of the R3. Report back when you have done a little research and I’ll help you personally write an R3 to the mother.

Cool?

Cool. Judging by your response I am guessing you don't feel I am overreacting to this? Will post back once I have read up on these threads.
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:51 pm

It’s completely understandable.

However, the approach will be to invite the mother into a dialog about it - not confrontational. Understanding how humans learn language is important - your child recognized you before she knew the term “Dad”. There is a lot of networking of words and meaning that occurs in the third and fourth year, that’s why there is something called infantile amnesia - before the network is built, the language isn’t there for the thoughts, yet there is understanding of me and you, here and there, now and then.
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby californiadad18 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 5:35 pm

Ok Bart,

So I read a few threads about use of R3 with one thread specifically in the same case as mine. First off I must have glossed over it initially but missed that you said custody order. I do not have one in place, only a support order. Mediation date isn't until April 12th. I am hopeful but not confident we can avoid court. The mother already volunteered for less support then she is due which was strange to me but I will take the win. Anyways since I do not have an order is the R3 useless? Or would it still be smart to send one?
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Re: DGAF or speak up??

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:12 pm

You have been determined the father - with that come certain responsibilities and rights. The mother wants to create the Office of Dad, sort of like being elected the mayor, which can be filled by her qualified candidates because she knows what’s best. Let’s not parse the wording too much - you be the Daddio.

Your initial R3 is to invite her to a dialog “hey, our daughter dearest is confused as to what to call Douchebag at my house, so I’d like to be on the same page with you and show the proper respect - will it be Mr. Douchebag or just plain Douchebag?”

If you venture beyond our forum, to FreeAdvice or others just to lurk, watch for the postings of OhioGAL - she is a treasure to the divorce forum community. She has a number of posts here, and one specifically is about what the GAL looks for. While the “daddy” issue might get little traction with the Court, it is the sort of fatal blunder that mothers never expect from the GAL.

It goes both ways, over-stepping mothers from Dads’ second marriage can really get a catfight going.

So write your version of the letter - invite her to a dialog and set the stage for Daddy not being an option for Douchebag.
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