Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby lieu910 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:26 pm

I have two children, a daughter turning 18 and soon off to college, and a son 14 entering high school next year. I have been divorced for 6 years, and live a mile away from them. Sadly however, I rarely see my daughter, and my son I only see every other weekend. I also remarried a year and a half ago.

My new wife is born and raised in San Diego, and moved to Chicago to be with me several years ago. Her family, including two elderly and ailing parents, and adult son are in San Diego.

She wants to return to San Diego to be near her ailing parents.

Are any of you parenting out of state with teenage children, and if so what do I need to mindful of?

My biggest concern is my 14 y/o son. If we do move, I think I am committed to flying to him once a month for a long weekend during the school year, splitting school vacation time 50/50 seems realistic according to my attorney.

Thoughts?
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:47 pm

so she is asking you to chose her family over yours?

I know how I would respond to that.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby notsorewhat2do » Wed Jan 10, 2018 9:12 pm

This is a bad idea for a lot of reasons, but let me ask you this. Why do you only see your son every other weekend? Do you try and have a midweek meal with him or go to his activities?

Speaking of activities, does he have any. Because in high school, the expectation is that students are around in the summer for practices, tryouts, etc. So it may be hard for him to give you half of anything. (for example, if he plays basketball there will likely be games over winter break, debate team may have tournaments over long weekends, etc)

I do have a buddy who had a huge midlife crisis/breakdown (morally at least) and took off across the country. Eventually, he got his head back on and rented an apartment locally and lives here about 10 days a month and works remotely. Kid(s) stay with him when he is here.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 9:15 pm

agreed we certainly don't know the background, but the bigger issue is that the new wifey is asking dad to abandon his child, WTF? Can her parents not move closer so you can see them? Did her parents suddenly age faster than they used to? Was that a surprise that time wasn't going to stand still?

For her to even suggest or worse, pressure you to do so, I would give her the pink slip now.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:06 pm

Nobody who lives in SD and is of sound mind would move to Chicago to live, unless it was a life and death situation.

I've been to both places and they are both great, but come on.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:29 am

Who here has a good ending story about following a woman across the state or country so that she can be closer to her family? Can we have a show of hands?
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby lieu910 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:01 am

All -

My wife's parents are in their mid 80's in an assisted living , and my wife is not handing out an ultimatum to me. Yes, she hates Chicago, as do I, and sees little value in staying as my daughter is about to go out of state for college, and my < parenting time > with my son is so minimal. I question the value of me being a mile down the road as well. If I had shared custody it would be a much different decision.

Moving out of state is not abandoning my children, and that's actually offensive. With a daughter about to go off to college, and a son who in a very short time will be driving, and working and consequently having less time and interest in hanging out with dad every other weekend, it seems the timing may not be that bad.

I know of a few colleagues that have been forced to relocate out of state, and are still very engaged with their children. Do they miss some things, sure, but they also have their children for extended time in the summer, etc, and these dads are on a plane regularly to go see their children. Hardly seems like the behavior of a father that has "abandoned" his children.

My thoughts were to fly back once a month during the school year for an extended weekend - and split school vacation until my son is 18 (3.5 years) and off to college himself.

If the kids were not on the cusp of adulthood and college bound, etc, this would not even be a consideration.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:43 am

You're in the position to know best on how moving away will affect your relationships.

Do you think your ex will agree with your proposed schedule?
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:25 am

So you live a mile away and only see him every other weekend and that's been the case for some time? Interesting.

I'm not sure how moving away during some of the most critical times in a young man life is putting their interest first. This is the time to form adult traditions with your son, and yet your response is to move across the country.

It seems like you have already made up your mind and want somebody to cosign your actions, but nothing you described to me is putting your son's interests first. Did you ask him what he thought? If your wife didn't have parents in SD, would you be thinking of this move?

Imagine from his perspective and the message it sends - sister is the one dad cared more about, as soon as she graduated, dad moved cross country. If you can't see the benefits and opportunities that living 1 mile away poses, you certainly don't seem to want to consider any other options.

Maybe you're using the wife as an excuse, but my experience with this forum is it puts kids best interests first, can you explain how dad moving away is in his best interest?
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby madalex » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:35 am

There’s got to be more to this story. Since you only live a mile away, why is it that you “rarely” see your daughter and you see your son only every other weekend? Something must have happened in the six years since your divorce for that state of affairs to exist.
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