Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby 133pm » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:54 am

If flying to visit once in a while is good enough and not abandoning them, why don’t you do that with your wife instead?
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby steelmark » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:52 am

lieu910 wrote:Moving out of state is not abandoning my children, and that's actually offensive. With a daughter about to go off to college, and a son who in a very short time will be driving, and working and consequently having less time and interest in hanging out with dad every other weekend, it seems the timing may not be that bad.


My own father didn’t abandon me by moving out of state when I was 16 either. That’s what I thought back then.

As I navigated my own divorce and fought my < edited > off for 50/50 some 25 years later, I wondered how in the eff could my dad have done that to me? I’ll admit we weren’t all that close since I was driving, into sports & girls and he was checked out.

It hurt me a hell of a lot more than I realized. During my own D, my dad stated that “he wished he had done things differently”, so, yeah.

You know your situation best.
Prepare and execute to win by a thousand miles, just to be in position to win by an inch.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:42 pm

that sucks Steel. This is why staying in a shell of a marriage is no good. Why would you get close to someone who abandoned you? Yet you probably owned 100% of that lack of relationship?

Kids normalize what you see. In your case, you normalized your dad's behavior. The great thing is, you chose another path and your kids will forever be better for it, yet will probably never know or understand until they have kids of their own.

Great job Steel, that's putting the kids best interests first.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby lieu910 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:26 pm

The information I was seeking was relative to structuring parenting time, etc. It was not a solicitation on what type of father people think I am for considering this.

I most certainly am not asking for anyone's affirmation here, but rather some useful/practical suggestions ideas on the subject if this becomes a reality.

I don't appreciate a sermon on the "benefits that living a mile away pose" In the six years that I have been divorced, I have watched my ex-wife systematically wage a somewhat effective campaign of alienation against me, interfering with < parenting time >, undermining decisions made under my roof. She has blocked all of my efforts to share custody and/or increase my < parenting time > time by selfishly manipulating the children into being terrified of any type of legal actions by me to get more time with them. Fearing they would have to talk to a judge about how they feel about increased or shared < parenting time >. She also reinforces that fear by telling them she may have to work a part-time job (funny because she only works part-time), or they may have to sell the house they grew up in if dad get's more or equal < parenting time > time. Restraining orders against me simply because I grabbed my son by the shirt collar when he was being disrespectful to a teacher and to me.

Parental alienation is real, it happens all too often, and the non-residential parent can be at a tremendous disadvantage in trying to manage the problem. Shame on me for not taking legal action against her, but I know she would have used it against me to covet empathy from the kids and drive the wedge even further.

I know my situation better than anyone here is qualified to judge me on. This is something I have openly discussed in "what if" terms with both kids. Both of whom have expressed no ill feelings toward the concept, and on the contrary have expressed some excitement about having some extended stays in California during winter/spring breaks.

I have personally known parents that have relocated for various reasons, resulting in modifications to < parenting time > etc. In each case I have been familiar with on a first-hand basis, there has not been any loss of relationships, or harbored resentment by the children. Not to say this does not happen, or that this can work for everyone. However, it is not a subject that merits a knee jerk response to climb aboard a faux moral high horse.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby Chaos » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:33 pm

Check the Indiana parenting guidelines. It's a pretty detailed plan and you can use it for a template.
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby notsorewhat2do » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:43 pm

what is your plan if your kid can't come for half the summer because of work, activities, etc. Can you find flexibility to come to him? Or do you intend to restrict his participation in activities or jobs so he can spend half the summer with you?

Not trying to be an < Hole > (in fact, I shared what a friend did, renting an apartment locally and spending a week or so each month here with his son) But the reality of teens is that they often are pretty busy.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby afc » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:45 pm

Sounds like for whatever reason, you don't see your son that often or do much day to day parenting so I cannot see how you moving would adversely affect your relationship as it stands now. Youd be seeing him pretty much the same amount of time and in a fun, vacation-y type way.

Do you have the means to fly out at a moments notice should trouble occur? If he's taken to the hospital, arrested, in trouble, etc?

How much do you attend and participate in school and extracurriculars now and how do you plan to when you live far away? Attend games, performances, etc. Your ex doesnt seem like the type to record events and send them to you and you cannot rely on her to be your secretary anyway. But this is less of a concern if you dont participate now or he doesnt do much you can participate in.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby lieu910 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:51 pm

notsorewhat2do wrote:what is your plan if your kid can't come for half the summer because of work, activities, etc. Can you find flexibility to come to him? Or do you intend to restrict his participation in activities or jobs so he can spend half the summer with you?

Not trying to be an < Hole > (in fact, I shared what a friend did, renting an apartment locally and spending a week or so each month here with his son) But the reality of teens is that they often are pretty busy.


Thanks for the reply. I could find flexibility to come to him once he starts working a part-time or summer job. I certainly would not hold him back from activities or working.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby lieu910 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:57 pm

lieu910 wrote:
notsorewhat2do wrote:what is your plan if your kid can't come for half the summer because of work, activities, etc. Can you find flexibility to come to him? Or do you intend to restrict his participation in activities or jobs so he can spend half the summer with you?

Not trying to be an < Hole > (in fact, I shared what a friend did, renting an apartment locally and spending a week or so each month here with his son) But the reality of teens is that they often are pretty busy.


Thanks for the reply. I could find flexibility to come to him once he starts working a part-time or summer job. I certainly would not hold him back from activities or working.


Good points, thanks.

As far as school activities, I have gone to just about every game he has had. What changed in the decades since I was a kid? Hardly any parents went to games when I was a kid, or if they did it was a rare occasion.

Anyway, he is kind of sour on doing basketball in high school, so we will have to see what happens there. If he does stay in sports, I'll make it to games as often as I can should we in fact move.

To your first point - no I do ZERO day to day parenting. My ex wife only brings me into decisions when it is absolutely her last option or she is required to. Most of the time, I have no idea what is going on with the kids unless they share something with me.
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Re: Out of State Parenting/< parenting time >

Unread postby afc » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:59 pm

Do you have the means and the support from your current wife?

So if you need to drop everything and fly to your child's side, do you have the money to do so and will your wife support you?

Does she have the maturity and ability to be okay with the fact that she needs to be a second place priority when your kid visits?
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