Any advice for me?

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Any advice for me?

Unread postby Dad2015 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 2:28 pm

My story.....

I was with someone for many years. Not married. I cheated with another woman. The affair woman told me she was pregnant. I told my long time girlfriend. Two days later she finds out she too is pregnant.

Affair woman had abortions before but refused with mine. (was only a couple times and never a relationship just sex). Couldn't convince her it was a bad idea as we were far from compatible on any level to have a child together. (we have different views on almost everything). She told me she was having the baby anyway. As a guy, nothing I can do.

Flash forward to birth of long time girlfriend and my baby and still haven't heard from other woman. She went radio silent and I assumed she slept around and found out I wasn't the dad (that's her rep). I was wrong.

Two years later I got paperwork at my new house that I was defaulted on for affair woman's child support case.
I didn't even know (and yes I was dumb for not following up with her but I was on wishful thinking at the time)

I got it partially reset so we could do a DNA test and do actual financials and custody timeshare.

Test was positive. I'm a dad of two now.

Ive been paying cs at the defaulted rate for about 8 months now while we slowly get to court. Last month we were ordered medication and discovery/fin aff.

(I see and pay for other child too. Very involved dad and we coparent very well together. We have a CS order that I pay)

The point:

I was dumb and didn't follow up but now the kid is 3 and I "just found out for sure." I want to be involved now and her defense will be that I chose not to be there. So, will a judge take into account I just found out for sure and not hearsay or take the defense of I was dumb but want to be here now?

She wants me to pay CS and never see the kid. He has regular allergies to things like soy and she claims "I wasn't there when he was sick" so I can't be there now.

If we can't agree at medication will the judge take into consideration I didn't know for sure, I'm a wonderful dad to my other son, I pay as ordered to both kids, etc...

What I'm really asking is will I get to be involved there too more than a few hours or will I just be a piggy bank for that kids mom?

Any advice on strategy or am I screwed?
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby dad2grls » Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:22 pm

I don't understand how a court action for child support can be filed against you and you were never served.

As to your main question, the courts understand the importance of a father in the lives of their child, as long as you aren't deemed unfit to be a parent and provide a reasonable explanation for your absence from your child's life, I would expect the court will ultimately grant you parenting time.
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:25 pm

I think you relate that once you realized that the child was yours, you are taking legal steps to be involved in the kids life. I think your previous history with another child in which you are involved is a good place to start.

In essence, you have legal documenation that shows you are the child's father. You have a history of being involved equally and supporting your child, and are looking to enter into a similar arrangement (formally) with baby momma.

How far do you live from this child?
What is your relationship like with said baby momma?
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby Dad2015 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:42 pm

I live a little over he away and we don't agree on anything and argue about every aspect of the parenting plan so far.

Years ago we were friends who slept together a few times. Nothing serious.
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 7:09 pm

the distance could pose an issue. How many schools separate the two households? Meaning are you one school over? two?

Its good you are going into this with eyes wide open.

What issues does she have specifically with the parenting plan? Do you communicate via email?

It looks like you have an uphill battle. It doesn't sound like she will just willingly accept 50/50. I would not file anything until you have a sound strategy in mind.

Are you able to fund a legal defense?
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby dad2grls » Tue Jan 09, 2018 7:09 pm

Dad2015 wrote:I live a little over he away and we don't agree on anything and argue about every aspect of the parenting plan so far.


Of course you're not going to agree on a parenting plan, she's made it clear that she doesn't want you to parent, period.

You aren't going to solve this problem with her cooperation.
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby Dad2015 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 9:53 pm

Trevor wrote:
Dad2015 wrote:I live a little over he away

By what unit of measure? How far?



Sorry, I live a little over an hour away.
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby Dad2015 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:02 pm

massdad1234 wrote:the distance could pose an issue. How many schools separate the two households? Meaning are you one school over? two?

He's only 3 so for now there are a ton of preschools in between. For elementary yes I'd say there are many in between as well.

Its good you are going into this with eyes wide open.

What issues does she have specifically with the parenting plan? Do you communicate via email?
She doesn't want me there at all, then she said it would be nice to go out a Saturday or Friday, she wants just hours at a time and no overnights. she said I don't know how to be a dad to him and the other child doesn't count. Basically she knows overnights equal money.

It looks like you have an uphill battle. It doesn't sound like she will just willingly accept 50/50. I would not file anything until you have a sound strategy in mind.
I'm thinking 70/30 might be best for our distance

Are you able to fund a legal defense?

I had a lawyer I paid 4k for and he didn't do anything except get it reset so I could do a DNA. Very expensive DNA test!
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:52 pm

so I think the way you build your case, is slowly. What I think I understand you say, is baby momma would be interested in some free weekends. She probably wants to go out and sow some more wild oats etc, that can be your in.

Don't talk about parenting plan, don't talk about anything, just make it a casual - let me meet the child.

Then you progress to taking the child on weekends for her. Then you offer to do other things during the week.

All with the intent of building up slowly over time, more and more time (overnights) with your child. The goal would be to get close to 50/50 overnights by the time the child is ready for compulsory school.

I wouldn't bring up custody again as she will lock you out. You have to play dumb, build it up brick by brick, crumb by crumb and crawl/grind/scratch your way to 50/50.

There are some members here who have done exactly that. Built their foundation for shared parenting time taking the long view, which is what I suggest you do in your case.

Yes you might get maxed out child support, but that was going to happen regardless. This way, you shut your yap about all of that.

Do you know how you boil a frog?
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Re: Any advice for me?

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:58 am

That's what I did, took 16 months.

You not being there and not being involved is not a defense she could use because up until you were legally determined to be the legal father you weren't the legal father. At least that is how it works in my state.

But that won't matter if you work your way up to 50% parenting time and then file to make it official.
the funniest thing about this particular signature is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's to late to stop reading it
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