Help with phone access to kids

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 11:18 am

Lets assume this isn't about me and my kids are really having trouble dealing with this issue. What exactly do I need to post in the future for you to believe the kids are having trouble dealing with all the conflict going on over there?

It's easy to point the finger and say I am having trouble with my EX and her new boyfriend. But that's not it and you seemed to be anchored on this bias. Yes, if a teacher, coach, etc. was constantly fighting with my EX around my children (enough that my kids bring it up every opportunity that we speak), then of course I would be raising the issues here and asking for ideas. Why even think otherwise? I don't feed my kids any reaction. They know I will be open, reception, listen to their troubles but they know I am no fan of unnecessary drama.

Not every question posted here requires someone to lay on the couch and answer multiple questions. Sometimes a clean b&w answer are all that is needed to help. I just want some ideas to kids to help them cope, nothing more. Is that really so hard to believe?
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Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby massdad1234 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 11:45 am

are you under the impression that the suggestions I have provided aren't on how to deal with it? You keep changing to what could happen if. What if they are under stress, what if they _____, what if?

Teach your kids to deal with change
Teach your kids to be prepared to deal with adversity on their own
Teach your kids that you are there to listen and not project your life into theirs
Teach your kids how to control what they can control

Because your writing betrays your actions. I guess we disagree that you aren't making this about the ex and her current flavor of the week, which is fine, we certainly can. But this isn't about laying on a couch, this isn't touchy feely, its about controlling what you can control.

Lets be frank, (actually you can be frank), you have posted a couple of posts where the spirit of the post is, i don't like who my ex brings around the kids, how can i change/control that. You haven't gotten the responses you would like. Nobody is saying don't be a concerned dad, what most are saying in this and pretty much most of your post divorce threads are, this isn't a reason to be concerned.

Here is black and white: Stop obcessing over your ex and her romantic choices. Only make a serious deal if you believe real abuse is falling upon your children (which is why i make that point, if you think there is real abuse, A-C-T!), teach your kids to deal with change (its inevitable), stop feeling like others are pushing an agenda when you are clearly in an emotional state and letting those emotions drive your decisions.

Bottom line: If you want to develop a trusting relationship with your Ex, you have to let go. You have to trust that she will do right by your kids. Because for all you know, she might be thinking the very same thing, that every woman you bring into their lives will insert ______. Most importanly, kids will pick up on how you ACT, not what you say. So if you are constantly supspecious of mom, they will learn to report back everything she does.
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Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby a dad » Tue Jan 09, 2018 12:27 pm

When with mom, the kids are under your ex's supervision. You'll need to get used to that.

A few weeks after finalization, I wouldn't necessarily add any devices such as an old deactivated "emergency call" cell phone, android Hangouts device, nor active cell phone, until you're at a point where it may be used without repercussions.

A few years after my divorce my ex asked me if I was comfortable with her leaving my D8's, going on 9, home alone for a short bit. Knowing that the standard age I've heard of is 12, I had to think about it but I know my kids, I've taught them well, and my ex might do it with or without my approval.

Like you, I also have a voip wired phone for them, an ooma telo. I've taught them how to call their mom and friends and when to call 911 (when the adult is unresponsive). Since my ex didn't have a landline, I advised her to get something like any of the devices we've been talking about here - ideally something that can call a parent before escalating to 911. She ended up placing an old iPhone on a charger just for the kids. It does FaceTime and emergency calls. It took two minutes and now everyone's safer. She wouldn't have asked nor followed my advice right after the divorce.

So start by teaching your kids what to do in an emergency at your house and how to use any cell phone, anywhere, to make an emergency call.

Then move on to evacuation emergencies like a house fire or structural damage from a storm or earthquake and teach your kids to go to a neighbor's house, starting with neighbor's they know and can trust. Then teach them that this can be true anywhere - mom's, dad's, or wherever.

Between getting the kids to memorize your cell phone number, knowing they can make an emergency call with any cell phone if the adult is unresponsive, and knowing they can run to a neighbor's house in an emergency, these may be your best bets at this time.
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Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 12:56 pm

Thanks for the concrete ideas!
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Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby dad2grls » Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:06 pm

LovingDadof2 wrote:She's different because she didn't wait a single day before injecting a new dynamic (boyfriend) into their lives - she moved in her boyfriend on Day 1. A boyfriend that has a felony record for selling drugs

Try to find a positive in all of this, that's what I did during my divorce when things were really grim with no end in sight.

At least the guy has a job.
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Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby 133pm » Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:59 pm

LovingDadof2 wrote:I am asking for help from fellow dad's that have been through this on how to educate my children to deal with this issue? What exactly did you tell your kids? What coping mechanisms are available to them? Can we steer this thread back to b&w ideas on how to help my children please?

I’m reading this as you’re worried about their emotional coping skills. That being the case, I’d recommend using books as a resource for teaching emotional intelligence, how to cope with bad feelings, etc. It doesn’t have to be about your ex, these are good things to teach kids regardless of circumstance. They can use these skills in various contexts, including at mom’s but you don’t have to mention that.

I like the Todd Parr books in general for little ones. Also:
-Taking a bath with my dog and other things that make me happy (Scott Menchin)
-On Monday when it rained (Cheryl somethingorother)
-The Invisible String (Patrice karst)

For older kids (4th grade+):
What to do when you’re scared and worried (James Crist)

You don’t need specific books designed to teach this really. Most kids’ books with plot have conflicts in them. You can talk about the situation and what the characters could do to problem-solve. Richard Scarry books are great for having conversations (I don’t read them but I point out stuff in the illustrations and we talk about how the characters might be feeling and what they can do).

Mindfulness is really trendy right now so if you go into any good children’s bookstore / toy store, you’ll probably find a bunch on that.
On that note, I like “I am yoga” (Susan verde) as an interactive type of book for managing stress. Gorgeous pictures but also really good content.

I also like “Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness exercises for kids”. It’s not a story to read to kids but it has practical activities you can teach kids to do.

You could brainstorm with your kids about calm things they can do if they feel various bad emotions, things that makes them feel happy. Maybe they like to listen to music or do a puzzle.

The hot chocolate breathing technique: if you’re feeling overwhelmed, grab a (pretend) hot chocolate. (Take a slow deep breath) Smell it. Mm smells good. But it’s too hot. So slowly blow on it, don’t blow too hard as it will spill. Repeat until it’s cool enough. Kids tend to really like this one if you do it with them. Model correct breathing and it works great.
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Re: Help with phone access to kids

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:24 am

133 - Appreciate all the book suggestions - will definitely take look!

Also, way to jump in and start helping. As you will start to see, it also will help you.
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