Stoned Mom

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Stoned Mom

Unread postby atothec » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:02 pm

Hi, my ex and I divorced a couple years ago and have been separated for 5 years. We have joint custody and I pay child support. We also have about a 60/40 split, 40 for me, for physical custody. I’m wondering if going for majority physical custody is even an option and should I try to get it if it is.

My ex smokes a lot of pot and her apartment always smells like pot. I have been letting it go but its getting worse and last night my ex had some "friend" over and they were both stoned in a smoky apartment when I dropped off my daughter. I voiced my opinion on it and did not get a good response. My ex’s mom also smokes a bunch of pot and picks up my daughter from school. I then pick up my daughter on my days from her apartment that wreaks of pot, which by itself wouldn't be a huge deal, just annoying.

Basically, I want a better life for my daughter and feel I can provide that. I live with my girlfriend of 3 years in a house in a great neighborhood. I can provide a much better life for my daughter with better schools, stable living situation and no pot. We both have good jobs and we will probably get married sometime in the near future.

Do I have a case? Is it worth all the emotional and financial turmoil? I am getting tired of paying child support for her to live with her stoned mom in a crappy apartment. She deserves better and I don't know if I fight for what I think is right or just let it go and hope for the best. Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:11 pm

You can make a case. Two questions.

Is it legal in your state?
Does your child test positive for the drug?
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby atothec » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:15 pm

I’m in CA and that was a part of her defense last night that it’s legal in a couple weeks. Have not tested my daughter.
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:27 pm

You may want to consider testing so you have a concrete, measurable effect on the child you can point to as a reason for a change.
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby RC611V » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:45 pm

Kinda similar feelings for me sometimes. Kids came home one time and had watched a video in school about a boy doing drugs because his parents got divorced and his dad moved out of the house and he was left without a dad (what a BS stereotype huh?) and it made him cave to peer pressure and the kid started smoking and turned into a drug monster. That's what the cartoon is called and it is on youtube and my boy was very distressed about his mom turning into a drug monster because of her 'medicine' which he sees her use.

Weed is great in some times/forms/places. I happen to love caffeine. Drugs are just the same chemicals in our brains that are already there, most of the time, but in higher doses and under our control. We're all on drugs of some sort. But when does it cross a line? Difficult question.

It is one of those things like abuse/neglect, nothing will happen probably unless the kids get impacted in a measurable way, which is usually some significant hurt or damage. Sucks but that is how it is. Reports to DCFS/CPS usually are nothing unless the kids are suffering trauma of some kind.

So maybe you could motion for a modification in time share, but using smoking as the major motivation is probably not going to be a good reason.

Do you have joint physical? Your 40/60 split, is that in the orders? What is your schedule like?
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:44 pm

did you ask them to smoke outside? vape?

How long before separation did the new chick show up?

does the kid have any worrisome medical conditions?
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby atothec » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:14 pm

Yeah, I'm not necessarily against pot. I used to smoke until we had my daughter then I had no desire to anymore. Its one factor, among many, why we split up - she had no problem being a stoned parent and I felt it was irresponsible and it was time to grow up. And her mom was saying its ok.

I dont mind that she smokes. I just dont like that the apartment is a mess, my daughter watches tv all day, and she is stoned or she and her mom are both stoned or she has somebody come over to smoke out. She has no desire to take my daughter to practices or lessons or just about anything I want to sign her up for. No activities, no trips, rarely hanging out with other kids. Christmas is going to be my daughter with her stoned mom and grandmother in a smoky apartment while I go to my girlfriends parents house with a big family, kids, games, amusement parks, all kinds of fun. I feel so bad for her. I dont make her feel bad, I make it seem just fine, but I feel bad.

So with all that said, there isn't any overt neglet or abuse, or anything measurable in the short term. I worry about the long term effects of growing up in that environment. There is no doubt I can provide a better life for her but instead, I have to hand over a chunk of money every month to someone who works part time and smokes pot so my daughter can have a worse life. And its getting worse.

My schedule is Tuesday/Thursday and every other Friday-Sunday with my daughter. Its a little more complicated than that but thats the simple version. Not sure what is in the orders actually. We have just figured out a schedule we agree on.
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby atothec » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:20 pm

No medical conditions.

I don't think asking them to go outside would do anything. They don't see it as a problem.

No sure about the chick question. Are you talking about my girlfriend?
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby RC611V » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:29 pm

Yeah I have a similar schedule, half the week and every other weekend.

I used to think I had to make up for whatever slack I perceived there to be left by the kids mom. I just don't think that anymore. Different reasons why... but my experience is that my job is to do the best I can while the kids are with me. When they're not with me... I'm backup, in case something happens to mom, I'd be the first person to call and first person to respond.

That's pretty much what court orders mean too, you know. When mom has custodial time, she's the custodian of the kids. Dad isn't. Same in reverse.

So I've quit trying to make the kids' lives be as close as possible to my vision even when they're not with me. Nah. I just make my home and life the best I can, and let them see and decide how they want to roll with it.

I have a friend, she smokes a lot in her little apartment and her kid has asthma. I was visiting and they were all smoking and the kid was coughing up a lung and she was yelling for the inhaler and I was like thinking... hm... this ain't right... poor kid. If it was mine, I'd just pick my kid up and take them with me, screw mom. If she called the police I'd let them know what happened. Other than that all she can do is file a motion in court and wait 2 months to tell the judge you took the kid out of the apartment for some fresh air.
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Re: Stoned Mom

Unread postby atothec » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:49 pm

Part of me wants to do exactly what you did and just do what I can when she’s with me. That’s all I have control over. The other part feels like I owe it to her to do what’s best for her no matter how hard it may be. Do the long term benifits outweigh the short term stress that will inevitably be put on my daughter? I don’t know.
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