30 yr old, in the thick of it

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby s4boost » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:53 am

I hate writing about this, but the last month of my life has been super rough.
I've been in a relationship with a beautiful woman for 4 years. I've liked this woman since we were 14, and she's trying her hardest to ruthlessly ruin my life.
In May 2016, we were engaged to be married in November and building a beautiful home together. I had the car of my dreams, a cushy job with a 6-figure salary, and was so excited to finally be starting a "life." My girl and I had always had issues with arguing. She’s the type of person that doesn’t really communicate well. Yelling screaming slamming doors seems to be her MO. She doesn’t want to sit down and work anything out... doesn’t say, "hey if this continues I’m going to leave the relationship" calls her parents, my parents or the police if she feels like she's lost control of a situation, runs away from issues physically and emotionally. So, one night in May, we had been arguing and she ended up going downtown with her friend and giving a dude she met that night fellatio in a car. During that evening I had even text her asking if she was wearing her ring that night since she was pretty angry, she responds with a picture of it on her hand and says you need to learn how to trust me, it’s not like I’m cheating on you. Unfortunately, I found this out just a week ago. The day after this happened back in May, she ended the relationship. 2 days later she was staying with a different man... not the BJ guy... a second man. During this time, all her belongings are still at my apartment, and the foundation of our home is being completed. She calls me and tells me she wants to cancel the house and we're over.

2.5 months later, she starts pursuing me again. We end up getting back together. 1.5 months later, I find out she’s pregnant. (DNA test confirms its mine) A week after I find out she's pregnant, and largely due to the emotional stress of the loss of the relationship, and the home, I get fired from my investment sales job. in November, I move in with her to save money, sell my car that I love, and basically lose everything I love besides her. In march, we're arguing. she says I play video games too much and I’m not looking for jobs... At this point I had spent about 20k in savings and had another 10 left. I looked for jobs every day. Career oriented jobs. Had a lot of promising opportunities that fell through. Now I’m getting discouraged and losing my identity as a man to be honest. In march, I come home one night and her dad and my parents are there. He cavalierly says “her brother is on his was with his truck, you’re moving out tonight.” Like wtf. She lived with me for 2 years and put me through a pretty good portion of what I think hell looks like. I let her keep her < feces > at my place for 3 weeks while she was out giving blow jobs and then started dating another man. But they’re going to kick me out at 8pm. I said nope. Not leaving. Don’t have anywhere to go, however I did agree to leave for the night. Long story short. The next morning, i go back and she calls the police, and they tell her the only ways to get me to move out are eviction or restraining order. She chooses the latter and 2 hours later a sheriff shows up and tells me i have 30 minutes to leave. She's like 7 months pregnant at this point. The restraining order gets dropped and we start dating again in May, she realized how much she needed me during this time. She had threatened to not let me in the room to see my daughter born, but ended up letting me in. Honestly, it was the best night of our life together. It was just us. 2am. Quick smooth delivery. And I felt like the room was filled with love and joy between us. Maybe the only time in the relationship I felt genuinely needed, wanted and appreciated in hindsight. We break up once more for about 3 weeks after the baby is born during which time I was not allowed to see my daughter. Then for like 2 months everything seems perfect. I started a new job at night and id come home kiss them goodnight and start playing video games and relax. Started figuring out how to be a dad although she generally took on the brunt of the care of the baby. Anyways, we get in an argument one night, she calls the police. Then her attorney the next morning… Now she’s taking me to court for child support, doesn’t want to speak to me at all except about the baby, won’t let her stay overnight with me, she’s requesting the court use previous income amounts for child support even though I make like 1500/mo right now. States that I threatened to leave the country if she takes me to court, and asks for a restraining order from harassment. She also states I’ve only paid a nominal amount of support but since we broke up I’ve given her 80$/wk. In August she was going to quit her job and we were going to move across the country for me to pursue a job in my field if I got the job. I’m in a situation where she’s in complete control of my time with my daughter, and she wants me to be a damn atm. I had flown out for the interview and began making moving arrangements with the company. I cannot for the life of me get a job making anywhere near what I’m used to making. I’ve lost my relationship and my family, and this woman doesn’t give a < feces >. I don’t do drugs. I rarely drink. I don’t party. So this doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s all about power, control and being vindictive. My attorney told me I should expect to pay 15k-20k in legal fees to get 50/50 custody and I still probably won’t get it. And I have a video of her yelling at the baby one night telling her to STFU. Not to mention pictures from where she hit me a year ago, and videos of her yelling and screaming at me and slamming doors. But the system incriminates me because I have the penis.

This girl deflects all responsibility for anything bad that has ever happened in our relationship. She uses her beauty to get what she wants. She Refuses to sit down and have a normal conversation. She cannot compromise. And her stress and anxiety completely control her. I've tried counseling and we've gone in the past but she doesn't think it helps. I think it's because she doesn't like hearing someone tell her she's got problems. Our counselor told me he thinks she has borderline PD. In hindsight, I obviously have codependency issues, I should have run away a long time ago.

So, I guess my question is, where do I go from here? Do I fight this? Do I fight for 50/50 and go into legal debt for 10-20 years? I’m feeling pretty low about all this. All I wanted was a family, and I feel pretty confident I’m going to get screwed out of my daughter’s life in some way or another. Here lately, I’ve been watching her m/w/f from 8am-4pm and then 6 hours on Sundays. This is based on a temporary parenting plan established a couple months ago. I feel like such an idiot staying with this woman for so long, and now I feel so deep into this, that I just want our family to be together. Sad state of affairs that women want to do this to the father of their children.

TLDR: cheating gf of 4 years gets pregnant and uses court system to her advantage to screw me, should i fight for 50/50
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 6:23 am

s4boost wrote:TLDR: cheating gf of 4 years gets pregnant and uses court system to her advantage to screw me, should i fight for 50/50

Yes.

But you knew the answer but you wrote that question, didn't you? Your daughter is too young to articulate how she needs her father to be in her life. It's incumbent upon you to look out for her best interests. That means you need to do everything you can to secure 50/50. Otherwise, you'll certainly look back an regret and she'll never forgive you for not trying.

If financials are what drives you, you are going to be paying one way or another. Why not limit the amount of CS money you will be required to send to your ex-gf and instead spend it on your daughter when she is with you 50%? Make sense?

OP, what state?
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Nov 02, 2017 6:26 am

Do you want to be a dad?
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:23 am

OP - when you say temp plan, who establish that and were the courts involved? Your time to vet out this woman to decide if she was worthy to make a baby with are over. You now have a child that is counting on you.

It looks like you are being setup to be an every other weekend dad, is that the type of parent that child deserves? Or how about spending half the time with both parents.

Bottom line, if there is no court order, the mother has ZERO legal rights to prevent you from seeing the child. If that is the case, you should seek legal representation to protect those rights as a father..

Lastly, what are you doing about improving your mental state? Do you have friends/family you can talk to? What about a mental professional?
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby jumanji » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:04 am

Also - how was paternity established? Few docs will do a DNA test in utero absent problems.
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby Trevor » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:28 am

I saw that, too, juju.
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:41 am

Child is already born.

You need to find your balls, this all comes down to you having no boundaries and a very unhealthy need to be in a relationship.

Yes, you should fight for 50/50. But only if you want to be a real daddy.
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 9:30 am

OP - are you tracking that you might be getting duped into funding a kid that isn't yours? It hurts nothing to verify and nobody has to know.

Also, what are you goals?
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby s4boost » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:08 pm

LovingDadof2 wrote:
s4boost wrote:TLDR: cheating gf of 4 years gets pregnant and uses court system to her advantage to screw me, should i fight for 50/50

Yes.

But you knew the answer but you wrote that question, didn't you? Your daughter is too young to articulate how she needs her father to be in her life. It's incumbent upon you to look out for her best interests. That means you need to do everything you can to secure 50/50. Otherwise, you'll certainly look back an regret and she'll never forgive you for not trying.

If financials are what drives you, you are going to be paying one way or another. Why not limit the amount of CS money you will be required to send to your ex-gf and instead spend it on your daughter when she is with you 50%? Make sense?

OP, what state?


Tennessee. Yes. I pretty much knew the answer, but wanted input from others who have been through his. How do states systematically destroy families esp. dad’s this way? It’s disgusting.

Fatheroffour wrote:Do you want to be a dad?


More than anything in the world.

massdad1234 wrote:OP - when you say temp plan, who establish that and were the courts involved? Your time to vet out this woman to decide if she was worthy to make a baby with are over. You now have a child that is counting on you.

It looks like you are being setup to be an every other weekend dad, is that the type of parent that child deserves? Or how about spending half the time with both parents.

Bottom line, if there is no court order, the mother has ZERO legal rights to prevent you from seeing the child. If that is the case, you should seek legal representation to protect those rights as a father..

Lastly, what are you doing about improving your mental state? Do you have friends/family you can talk to? What about a mental professional?

Mentally. I’m in pretty rough shape. Between losing the relationship, and the rights as a father and being unable to find income that I once had, this has been very difficult. I do have a number of supportive friends. My parents are angry at the whole situation including angry at me. My mom makes some pretty harsh comments like stop being weak. Maybe she’s right. But this is pretty painful and that certainly doesn’t feel like support from a mother.

An every other weekend Dad is not an option for me period. In my opinion she is no better a mom than me a Dad. And I want to spend as much of my life with her during her

The temp plan was agreed to by us and our attornies as we were getting back together in June. We had a mediation setup that I canceled due to finances and the fact that her and I were trying to make things work.... or at least I was.


jumanji wrote:Also - how was paternity established? Few docs will do a DNA test in utero absent problems.


DNA test after birth. Mother agreed to It.
lovingfatherof2 wrote:Child is already born.

You need to find your balls, this all comes down to you having no boundaries and a very unhealthy need to be in a relationship.

Yes, you should fight for 50/50. But only if you want to be a real daddy.


I have realized that I have a codependency issue and an irrational fear of loss and being alone. It haunts me. Which is why I’m here. My number one goal is to be a good father for my daughter. Emotional financially spiritually supportive. To guide her. Teach her. And protect her from harm.
massdad1234 wrote:OP - are you tracking that you might be getting duped into funding a kid that isn't yours? It hurts nothing to verify and nobody has to know.

Also, what are you goals?


See above. Paternity test. And to be an all star father.


Edit: what is the likelihood of me being granted 50/50? To reiterate, I don’t have any notable anger issues, alcohol abuse, don’t use drugs, not promiscuous. I don’t have a legal record or history of violence towards anyone. If there’s something negative about me I have seeked reconciliation with mother and have reacted out of emotion on occasion over the last month. At one point I told her I couldn’t handle this stress anymore and That it almost seems easier
To not have to deal with it anymore and that dad’s actually do commit suicide from this kind of stuff. That conversation was on the phone and it wasn’t used as a threat In terms of “I’m going to kill myself if you leave me,” it was more of “Ive lost everything for this relationship, now you’re controlling my time with my kid and using me as an ATM. I can’t get a job.” Was more of a cry for empathy, at the moment I really was at my wits end. Not to mention my best friend growing up recently passed away tragically. My mother was just diagnosed with skin cancer for the third time 2 weeks ago, my job is terrible and I get an email turning me down for a job I’m excited about probably 3 times a week. It’s tough to see the bright side of things some days. Then of course I see her posting jovial photos on Instagram about how great life is as a single mother, doesn’t help that she’s lost all the baby weight, and really worked hard to get back to pre baby shape so she looks beautiful. So now I’m just trying to use this as a motivator for success. I have a nice apartment that my parents are currently helping me pay for, and I’m searching for permanent employment basically daily. In fact I sent about 1000-1300 emails to my attorney proving that I’m looking and applying and interviewing.

Last question. I have heard a number of times that since I am on the birth certificate and have signed the voluntary acknowledgment of paternity, that essentially I have the same rights that mother does at this point. The only agreement we have come to is between our attornies via email. I haven’t signed anything. And it was a temporary parenting plan that we setup until we went to mediation back in June. We never went because we started dating again and the finances weren’t in place for that. Could I take my daughter Sunday and just not give her back for the night? Could I be charged with kidnapping etc? We do not currently have a parenting plan setup. What should I expect if I did this? She’s obviously going to call the police if do it so I would have to talk to them. Is this going to <urine> off a judge? I probably won’t do it either way because I genuinely want to avoid the confrontation and not look brash, just curious what could be the outcome.
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Re: 30 yr old, in the thick of it

Unread postby s4boost » Sun Nov 05, 2017 12:48 am

Anyone?
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