How to cope?

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: How to cope?

Unread postby JimRockford » Wed Apr 19, 2017 6:28 pm

OrigamiDragon wrote:
He was with me until 5PM due to a weird shuffle fusion of Easter weekend, a doctors appointment and his Birthday celebration.


Do you mean that he was originally supposed to be with you until 5PM?

OrigamiDragon wrote:
I told mother I wanted to makeup time at 3PM. She asks when he would be back. I tell her next morning at preschool. At 9PM she emails me she never authorized me to have him overnight. She did not ask for him me to return him to her care earlier. Cue kidnapping charge.


What did she say when you told her at 3PM that you wanted the makeup time? If she answered, was it verbally, email, text etc?
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby OrigamiDragon » Wed Apr 19, 2017 6:46 pm

Yes, he was with me until 5PM without the makeup time. I would have informed her sooner, but I was hoping to get reconfirmation from my lawyer on the exact wording and plan. I can PM the exact words if it would help. She answered asking what time he would be back. I responded with preschool tomorrow. She sent a furious email at 9 not asking for his return then or earlier, acknowledging that she believed he would be at school the next day, and how she "spared me" the cops for fear of harm coming to our son.

There is great disagreement over whether our midweek overnights are covered by our verbal agreement. I thought it was risky, but lawyer said that the delay on the write-up cut both ways, and executing it as I understood it until it is resolved is acceptable good faith. I told him explicitly of the intention to ask to makeup the missed time so I could ensure son started preschool since mother refused to talk start dates. We met last Thursday and discussed what to do. I sent him an email Monday. I sent him an email Tuesday. I called Tuesday before sending email to mother. I sent him an email Wednesday. I got thrown under the bus when OC confronted him and then chewed out for acting out of turn and torpedoing my relationship with my son.
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby JimRockford » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:08 pm

1. When she did not acknowledge, you should have realized that your time was over at 5:00 and had him back.

2. Why do you have a "Verbal Agreement" vs. an ironclad written one?


At the end of the day, you need to take some responsibility and realize that emailing your attorney is not a "get out of jail free card." You are in a situation with a HCP, you need to realize that this means this person cannot be trusted and that's when you have an agreement in writing. In your case you did not and that only makes things worse.

With all that being said, I think you are over worried about things, and I think this attorney of yours is a wimp that you are better off without. Kidnapping really? Google that one, it is bad enough that OC actually brings up something so stupid, but far worse that your attorney actually agrees with it.

At the end of the day, I don't see this going anywhere in court, her hands are far from clean and you basically had a misunderstanding. What I am more worried about is your attorney caving to the OC and attempting to sell you on an unjust one-sided agreement that will further serve to get you in trouble when it is inevitably violated. However, once you agree to those terms, you are fecked.
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby spritom » Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:33 pm

***does +1 on the practical side of things***

-----

Yeah, hang in there!
It does suck during this time.
That "It's a marathon, not a sprint thing"...you're at that 20-mile "wall" of the marathon...and it's real.

There is a thing of picking your battles.
There's a thing that even some small battles now prevent large "status quo" things later

Now for The Six:
* eat well
* sleep well
* have some focus dad-time
* get in some awesome exercise
* have someone to talk to (close-trusted or pay-counselor)
* have a "thing" on the calendar that you look forward to (something for you...hobby...some trip, etc.)

You got this.
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby OrigamiDragon » Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:03 pm

JimRockford wrote:1. When she did not acknowledge, you should have realized that your time was over at 5:00 and had him back.

2. Why do you have a "Verbal Agreement" vs. an ironclad written one?


At the end of the day, you need to take some responsibility and realize that emailing your attorney is not a "get out of jail free card." You are in a situation with a HCP, you need to realize that this means this person cannot be trusted and that's when you have an agreement in writing. In your case you did not and that only makes things worse.

With all that being said, I think you are over worried about things, and I think this attorney of yours is a wimp that you are better off without. Kidnapping really? Google that one, it is bad enough that OC actually brings up something so stupid, but far worse that your attorney actually agrees with it.

At the end of the day, I don't see this going anywhere in court, her hands are far from clean and you basically had a misunderstanding. What I am more worried about is your attorney caving to the OC and attempting to sell you on an unjust one-sided agreement that will further serve to get you in trouble when it is inevitably violated. However, once you agree to those terms, you are fecked.


I will never make either of those mistakes again.

Furthermore, I am genuinely unsure how to prevent this language fault but I keep doing it unintentionally. I try to be thorough about explaining my thought process so people can point out where I went wrong, I am fully responsible for messing up.

Somewhere at the root of this mess is I seemingly process information differently.

I am the one who ordered the transcript to resolve the verbal I already sold everything of value, I have no savings, borrowed from everyone I could. I'm tapped out resources wise and constantly fighting a narrative that I am "unstable". I don't see how I could even entertain switching attorneys again. I was so happy, but he is seeming like a paper tiger.

spritom wrote:There's a thing that even some small battles now prevent large "status quo" things later

Can you elaborate on this please?

I'd like to add, if anyone has read my post history and thinks I am actually unstable, I am open to hearing I have been approaching this whole situation wrong.
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby JimRockford » Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:32 pm

OrigamiDragon wrote: I am the one who ordered the transcript to resolve the verbal I already sold everything of value, I have no savings, borrowed from everyone I could. I'm tapped out resources wise and constantly fighting a narrative that I am "unstable". I don't see how I could even entertain switching attorneys again. I was so happy, but he is seeming like a paper tiger.


You need to be careful, I get the feeling that you currently lack understanding and more importantly confidence, and that makes you vulnerable to being easily swayed by your attorney. I'm guessing that your financial situation also contributes to this as well.

Your attorney to me from what you are saying seems like someone who seeks the path of least resistance, since your ex's attorney seems to be aggressive, that makes you the path of least resistance. See where I am going? Do not forget that you are the one paying for him and do not allow him to sell you something that the OC has cooked up. Do not sign anything that you are not comfortable with, and be prepared to walk. Run any deal by this forum and take the tough love offered here by the highly paid volunteers as people who don't want you to make the same mistakes that they or other members have made.
Deciding to go forward with a divorce is kind of like joining a brotherhood. However, it is a brotherhood that you really don't want to join.
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby Me_and_my_boys » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:21 pm

OrigamiDragon wrote:Meanwhile my life is crumbling


OrigamiDragon wrote: I'm barely holding on emotionally


Are you seeing a therapist?

OrigamiDragon wrote:I see my father is very happy and successful once he gave up the fight with my mother. It left me with a huge hole that I desperately wanted to spare my son from. I don't know if I have it in me to last the 10 years my dad did, and he still got forced away in the end; trying to reconnect with him after was too late.


This is about you and your son. Not your father. Save the philosophizing for later. It's contributing to your current mindset.
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby grandet2 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:35 pm

Rule1: If your atty tells you to take the deal and rushes you, you tell him I gots to think about it, it is making me very nervous.
Rule2: If your atty tells you to take the deal, he is probably getting his manhood polished by OC or vice versa.
Rule3: If your atty tells you to take the deal as this is the best deal you will get, he is probably scared that you will get more and he wants you to settle so OC will polish her manhood.
Rule4: Be very polite but firm with your atty, send him written instructions and ask for written response. Unethical professionals like your atty has his weak points too.

NEVER tell your atty what is on your mind or show your cards, let him see only the cards you deal him. It will not give him time to consult OC to sell you out. Lead him, agree with him till you show up for Court and make sure tell him how to proceed.
I always have a 30 mins meeting scheduled before court and hand my atty numbered bullet points I need him to say plead for me.
Some of them did not go over that well with my atty, I was "I am just trying to get you the best deal".
I posted here and you guys spotted my attys bluff, and bluff it was. I did call the bluff but quoted the court saying, in the best interest of the children I cannot take this deal.
They offered me every other midweek overnight, and said the Judge might not give me ANY.
This is an age old tactic, beat you down with the fear that you won't get shites just take peanuts and run.

You have to think like a LA County Gangsta bro, they are trying their best to rattle you and make you cave, you have to rattle theirs a bit.

Some stuff you can do:
1. Go to court records clerk and ask them to look up cases by your attys name, skim through cases and find some that matches yours and go through the file
2. Same for OC, do the same for OC.
3. Send your atty an email, if your atty had a case with OC on the other side, if yes, you want the case number/name. Ask your atty how your atty did in that case.

Most of us here are willing to burn every tree in the world for our children, you Sir need to burn your first by reading up on previous cases that OC and your atty worked on. You will see a clear trend after a few.
“A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby grandet2 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:40 pm

Me_and_my_boys wrote:
OrigamiDragon wrote:Meanwhile my life is crumbling


OrigamiDragon wrote: I'm barely holding on emotionally


Are you seeing a therapist?

OrigamiDragon wrote:I see my father is very happy and successful once he gave up the fight with my mother. It left me with a huge hole that I desperately wanted to spare my son from. I don't know if I have it in me to last the 10 years my dad did, and he still got forced away in the end; trying to reconnect with him after was too late.


This is about you and your son. Not your father. Save the philosophizing for later. It's contributing to your current mindset.


OrigamiD, you have it in you, even the strongest of us have our kryptonite, which for most of us in our children.

Find a father friendly therapist in town who does reunification theraphy etc for the court. See him for "Stress of divorece/court", your insurance will cover it might have to get a preauth.
“A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
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Re: How to cope?

Unread postby OrigamiDragon » Thu Apr 20, 2017 9:54 am

I get 4 sessions with one of the therapist on a list I requested last night from my insurance. I know CBT is effective for me, anything else I should look for?

Thank you for some clarity and critical advice.

Clearer head after sleep. Mom didn't take son to preschool today and I'm just writing it down for my lawyer.
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