Help reversing alienation

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:26 am

Let them pick the candle scents that they like. You probably can't smell the dogs because they live there. You may have tuned it out.
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Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:36 am

Cole224 wrote:I should have challenged them again to think about how would that even be possible.. It takes a novel to explain these twisted manipulations.

Perfect opportunity to calibrate their critical thinking. "Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear."
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Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby Cole224 » Wed Mar 22, 2017 9:08 am

We've tried candles et cetera. They're being discouraged to be at dads, my assumption is NJ worrying about CS.

Back to the topic of reversing alienation.

Without writing the entire story, my d18 did a 180 concerning her spending a few hours at my house after school till we pick her sister up at school. The next morning the daughter says it doesn't make sense to stay at my house. It's as if NJ was talking. It benefits my daughter, otherwise she sits at school from 10:30 till 2:30 with no classes. I'm 16 minutes from the school roundtrip. VS. it takes me an hour to pick her up at school and take her to her moms.

NJ threatened recently in email to have cs reviewed and stated I don't have them as much as I used to when I was 600 miles away and I got credit for having them so CS should go up. All BS. Overnites are less but I spend a ton more time with them everyday and actually feel like a dad. I did not reply. Go ahead ask for a review. I had to cut my pay in half to be able to be near my kids, I'll let her hang herself. D18 support ends after graduation. Of course NJ made sure it didn't end at 18, but at graduation.

So do I mention to my daughter that her mom might be discouraging her from staying at my house because she's worried she'll lose child support? Or just let it go. Unless a blatant lie about me, I always let it go because it paints the mom meanly and gets the kids in the middle but it sure is ticking me off seeing my daughters get manipulated. There seems to be no way to address this without putting the kid in the middle. I had the thought that she's 18 now should I speak to her about it frankly? My D18 is more under their moms spells than my D17.
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Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby grandetaco » Wed Mar 22, 2017 9:32 am

Cole,
You are not alone in this predicament, this is typical loser, abusive nj strategy.

You have to work 2x hard with both of them to reverse the hours (over years) of mind numbing poisonous rant.

You need to connect and reinforce positive ideas in her head, don't go all out day 1, first seed ideas, then add more to it and add more to it. Talk about future stuff, pleasant stuff, like which college, what she wants to major in, what car she wants to buy, plan on car shopping, she should look forward to things in life and not worry constantly about pleasing mother.

Elate yourself to samurai nj, get dirty, give her spending money, I have my child a heavy ninja colored credit card and told her I trust her and she can spend anything on it she wants, that gave her a big chest pounding reassurance and negated nj's daily mind control rhetoric.

Wedge and create doubt - buy her a very nice dress, one that nj always wanted ;-), just don't go out and buy it for her, talk about it, look it up online for weeks, keep talking about it and then bam surprise her with it. Take her out to do her nails and get her hair done,

Your job is to be a super dad and with your actions convince your child that mother is full of shite without saying a word about mother. And also convince them that you have their best interest in mind and so should they!
“A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
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Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby Cole224 » Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:42 am

grandetaco wrote:Cole,


Your job is to be a super dad and with your actions convince your child that mother is full of shite without saying a word about mother. And also convince them that you have their best interest in mind and so should they!


That's great advice. keeps me on track. Thank you.

It is a darn balancing act trying to be "super dad" without spoiling them and while teaching them they need to earn money and trying to counteract this entitled attitude they partly get from NJ telling them go ask dad he has money for everything and dad should buy you a car thing which creates a joint interest between NJ and daughters and makes me an jerk. Every negative manipulation NJ enacts, has a cleverly built in excuse, should NJ be questioned. Not that there's any point in questioning NJ. So frustrating. Helps if I gripe, then I'm all good.
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Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby Phoenix853 » Wed Mar 22, 2017 2:12 pm

Your kids are old enough to understand what they are seeing from you and their mother.

Say nothing about CS, their mother, or any of the criticisms coming from that house. If you kids want to discuss it, entertain it and get them to think critically.

Just keep on being superdad. Maybe entertain a Weekend brunch with your kids as a traditions, so when they are 18 and out of school that you keep that same tradition of seeing them on weekends.

Turn up your DGAF meter and brush off the insults by Mother.

If it stinks have them pick out a cent.
If it's cold tell them to turn up the heat.
If Dad's and angry ogar, show them your not.
They see the mud slinging. Just don't be part of it.
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Re: Help reversing alienation

Unread postby whatever_works » Wed Mar 22, 2017 5:06 pm

I am dealing with this myself. D16 bought what my wife was telling her. She has stopped coming for visitations except when she needs a direct favor. Then she shows up, gets her favor and stops again.

The younger d10 is much better. She tells me the things my ex says to her. Disparaging words, or even implied disparagement, she understands. She tells me that she ignores it. When she is with my wife's family, they always use put downs in front of her. She says she nods and moves on. She says she knows that I am not all that they say I am.

From what I have read in books on the subject, you have to bring it up with the children and you have to tell them to make their own decisions. You cannot just let it be. That is exactly the wrong advice that is commonly given - to be the bigger person and let things slide. However, don't get into a mud slinging contest and start a long discussion putting down your ex either. It is a carefully calibrated response.

However, as I mentioned above, it doesn't always work. My older daughter is a very independent thinker. Unfortunately she also knows how to play the situation for her own self.
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