You are not alone in this predicament, this is typical loser, abusive nj strategy.
You have to work 2x hard with both of them to reverse the hours (over years) of mind numbing poisonous rant.
You need to connect and reinforce positive ideas in her head, don't go all out day 1, first seed ideas, then add more to it and add more to it. Talk about future stuff, pleasant stuff, like which college, what she wants to major in, what car she wants to buy, plan on car shopping, she should look forward to things in life and not worry constantly about pleasing mother.
Elate yourself to samurai nj, get dirty, give her spending money, I have my child a heavy ninja colored credit card and told her I trust her and she can spend anything on it she wants, that gave her a big chest pounding reassurance and negated nj's daily mind control rhetoric.
Wedge and create doubt - buy her a very nice dress, one that nj always wanted
, just don't go out and buy it for her, talk about it, look it up online for weeks, keep talking about it and then bam surprise her with it. Take her out to do her nails and get her hair done,
Your job is to be a super dad and with your actions convince your child that mother is full of shite without saying a word about mother. And also convince them that you have their best interest in mind and so should they!
“A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”