Moved back to where my kids live

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Aries13 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:43 pm

Reading your response I realize now it's not going to be as simple as, I'm a good guy / loving father and living within 10 minutes, so I get my kids more. Honestly, thank you for pointing that out.


Q: How long has it been since you moved closer to your kids?? Has your parenting time increased since making that move??

I moved into my new place first week in NOV. Yes I have picked up a night during the week for dinner.

Supposed to have a night in the second week, but I have picked up a second job (sound familiar??? lol - I have always had multiple jobs and worked 10-14 hour days / have summers off though) and for that second week the kids have educational obligations on Mon. and Wed., and I work on Tuesdays and Fridays. SO the only day I have is Thursday of that week, and I ask her for that night for dinner, but she responded with "can't, we have a special dinner that night".

As a family we lived in my hometown (within 5 minutes of my fam) for 3ish years and then moved to within 5 min of her family for the last 3 years. Separation in April 2014, I moved back to my hometown (family support / financial) about hour and 15 away from kids and ex. Stayed there 2 years 7 months. Most of that time I was driving both ways of an 1hr15 min drive to see the kids. Took advantage of her needing date nights ( do you want the kids, I have a "work dinner") I took advantages of any nights she offered or I could get. This ended when she got remarried. Point to this second long paragraph is, even though I have only been within 10 minutes since Nov. I have done what it took to see them constantly and as much as possible no matter the distance. Took a leadership role in my son's boy scout troop for 3 months (3 nights a week, 1hr15 min drive each way for me at the time, to which he "missed" roughly 50% of the meetings and events once ex found out I had volunteered.

[
b]Q: Other than modification of parenting plan, you should be asking for a number of other concessions. What are they??[/b]

***Only Biological parents can corporal punish----- (Her new husband, popped my 6 G several times and "slapped my 9 B in the back of the head - out of anger) I have been working with others children for nearly 20 years and I can't grasp what is going through another grown man's mind ( has a 9 B of his own) to strike another man's child.
***Geographic Location
***Only Bio parents called Mom and Dad (if you read my full story you will see why)
***File one of the kids on taxes

(stayed on top of my oldest early about disrespect and what it meant to be respectful of others - Only ever administered the attention getter pop to the butt and I can't tell you the last time he needed an attention getter. Now the stern look works well, even though he slips up, he has an understanding of what it means to respect others (all people) Just wanted to add this to clarify.

*If anyone see's something in my story, ANYTHING, feel free to point it out! Would rather get my feelings hurt a bit but see a different perspective that is useful.

To TOM,
Perfect Example, Tom's response sucked but very much appreciated. Even though it made me see I have made mistakes that may ultimately cost me, it also let me see that I must use bits and pieces of everything I have been recording from the beginning.

What I feel is my best approach (in short - please dm for more detail) !. I'm a good father 2.My children's lives will be more complete with constant time with their father 3. There is physical stress being experienced by older child 4. Evidence of parent alienation. 5. Her new marriage 6. My relocation 7. And us in court. I know anyone that hangs around this forum long, feels passionately about their situations. I have evidence supporting all 6 points above (who knows how strong). I feel if my lawyer presents the evidence that I have, supporting above points, and I am able to get on the stand to tell my story, people will see I'm a father that will have a positive effect on the children.
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Aries13 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:58 pm

I realize I am compromising a bit here, directed lawyer today to send letter offering 10 nights a month. WHEN they turn it down, court is the next, period. Far enough along at this point, present my story and live with what the judge decides (for now). Truly don't feel it is a kamikaze mission, maybe Rocky 1 movie, but not a suicide mission. My advantage may come from the fact that over the last 3 years she has concentrated on her social life. And I have been keeping detailed notes of the constant hoops I have had to jump through to stay apart of my children's lives.
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Aries13 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 8:02 pm

One last thought, at the mediation she did offer Sunday night on my weekends. Today I thought about shooting her a text to politely ask, "was sitting here thinking about Sunday nights and I take them to school, I know there are things up in the air but I do miss the kids, can they spend the night on that Sunday?" Thoughts????
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 8:27 pm

You have to look at it from the judges point of view. If the kids are doing good and they are thriving and it has been this way for awhile then he isn't going to want to upset that in any way.

This is why you have to build more and more parenting time and on top of that be 100% involved in every aspect of their lives. I mean EVERYTHING, miss NOTHING.

Once you hit that magical 50% of overnights and have been 100% involved in everything you then hire a litigator and file a motion to make it official. It's an easy choice to make for a judge or an evaluator or a GAL at that point. It is also extremely hard for the mother to fight against it, I mean what can she possibly say? She is basically screwed.

Problem is you skipped all that and went straight to court with a lawyer/mediator. Your ex now knows what you are after and she probably is going to be super defensive towards you for a long time and not give up any extra time, if ever again.

I think you can overcome this but it is going to take a long time.
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Aries13 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:08 pm

P[b]
roblem is you skipped all that and went straight to court with a lawyer/mediator. Your ex now knows what you are after and she probably is going to be super defensive towards you for a long time and not give up any extra time, if ever again.
[/b]

Completely understand and agree with your final paragraph. This is why I feel, at this time, I should roll the dice.

Do you think I should at least ask her about the Sunday night? Not afraid of being told no. Ask politely and then be polite in respond politely when she says no. She might say yes...
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Sat Mar 11, 2017 2:24 pm

Aries13 wrote:What I feel is my best approach.....
1. I'm a good father
2. My children's lives will be more complete with constant time with their father
3. There is physical stress being experienced by older child
4. Evidence of parent alienation.
5. Her new marriage
6. My relocation
7. And us in court.
IMHO, Within the purview of family court, none of the above constitutes a significant change in circumstance. Did your attorney advise you differently??

Aries13 wrote:I feel if my lawyer presents the evidence that I have.....and I am able to get on the stand to tell my story, people will see I'm a father that will have a positive effect on the children.
1) There's no guarantee your attorney will perform as expected. In fact, I would say, "Probably not."

2) Moreover, there's a 90% chance this will never get to court. Instead, you can expect your attorney to capitulate and pressure you to settle at the 11th hour. This is what you should expect and thus, prepare for. And yes, you also hafta prepare for court.

Q: Have you got surprises?? Well-placed surprises have potential to level the playing field and/or otherwise knock the other side off balance.

Aries13 wrote:One last thought, at the mediation she did offer Sunday night on my weekends.
She's toying with you. Make no mistake, it's all about the tax-free child support. She's using your kids as pawns.

Aries13 wrote:I moved into my new place first week in NOV.
In family court, that's not nearly enough time to establish significant change in circumstance. To get it locked in, that change must've been ongoing for a period of 6 mos (minimum). Once established, then you file. In this case, NJ must be granting you 50/50 voluntarily, of her own free will. It's obvious your attorney didn't tell you this.

And BTW, do your own research and maintain radio silence. This is where the importance of managing your case personally comes into play.

Aries13 wrote:Yes I have picked up a night during the week for dinner.
In this game, it's overnights that count. NJ knows this. You need to know it too. Those dinners need to become overnights.

Aries13 wrote:I took advantages of any nights she offered or I could get.
In order to build your case incrementally, you need to be asking for more and more time, preferably overnights. Do not tip your hand.

Aries13 wrote:***Only Biological parents can corporal punish.....My 9 B came to me about 6 months ago and told me the step dad had been spanking my 6 G and had slapped him (9B) in the back of the head (because step dad was "pissed".
You pressed charges, right?? If Mr W lays a hand on your son, you've gotta be willing to act immediately. At the very least, you should've filed a police report, even if it's 6 mos late.

If you're looking for custody modification, gloves come off. You've gotta be a helluva lot more wiling to become proactive and be building your case accordingly.

Realistically: If this clause were to be violated, it would be months before you'd see a judge. And once you got to court, what makes you think this clause would be enforced??

Aries13 wrote:She is gainfully employed and makes more money than me.
Then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have ROFR, especially since you get a butt-load of school vacation time in addition to the myriad of school holidays that aren't available to her.

You also want geographic restriction locked in to your school district. Always plan for the future. If NJ moves, your kids remain with you in their district. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean their lives hafta be upset as well. Geographic restriction is in their best interest.

To get tax benefits, she needs to sign IRS Form 8332. Why should she get all the breaks??

Aries13 wrote:…..she only gives me Tuesdays (I work on at my part-time job) I asked for Thursday but they cant because "we have a special dinner" on Thursday nights.
There’s no reason why she can’t change her “special dinner” to some other night. This shows her unwillingness to be flexible.

Tom Kirkpatrick wrote:…..the rigors of custody modification namely, de facto custody by increments and how that strategy might work for you…..
^^^ Do you understand what this means?? If you expect to get anything close to 50/50, this is how you build your case over the course of time. And equally important, when building your case, you must never tip your hand prematurely.

Tom
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Aries13 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 6:30 pm

Q: Have you got surprises?? Well-placed surprises have potential to level the playing field and/or otherwise knock the other side off balance.


Examples?? Can you give me a little more explanation. Thanks, good info in your response!
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Re: Moved back to where my kids live

Unread postby Tom Kirkpatrick » Sun Mar 12, 2017 8:51 pm

Surprises are the direct opposite of tipping your hand. Surprises are supposed to top secret. Your attorney should know that and she should've advised you accordingly.

Actually, I think you should be the one to give an example of tipping your hand. In fact, your error is so egregious, there's not a snowflake's chance in hell your ex will voluntarily give you more parenting time - at least nothing that will lead to custody modification. Can you guess what that is??

HINT: You filed for custody modification before building status quo.

FYI - When building status quo, you hafta keep quiet about it. Nothing spoils a surprise like telling NJ about it - cart before horse theorem. As you have found out, nothing gets NJ's attention quicker than filing for custody modification.

Had you built 6 months worth of status quo (in other words, gradually building up to 50/50; aka, de facto custody by increments), you lock that in by filing an Injunction in ex parte. That way, NJ can't invoke woman's prerogative and summarily revert back to terms and conditions of the decree.

Moving closer is step #1. Building status quo is step #2.

Tom
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