serious question and help

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

serious question and help

Postby brooktrout » Tue May 22, 2012 10:50 am

So I am 32 and have two boys (5 and 2). My wife went off the radar. She was an awsome wholesome person and an awsome mom. We had a wonderful marraige (10 yrs) but things whent nuts late last fall. She started a job at a bar (not in her character) and changed her life. Soon she wanted a divorce. She dressed differently acted differenty listen to new music. She wnated alot of time alone. She had lots of expensive clothes etc. She lied HUGE lies constantly saying she was going to see a therapist for a week but alas I found that she was with a man (her boss) just up the road. I found out that she was in an affair and had used me as a babysitter for many many days to carry this on with unbeleivably elabrit lies. She has been very conflicted and on some level still wants my support. She has filed for divorce and we are doing it pro se. She continues to lie and says that her affait is over but the evidence is otherwise. She has a new apt. and asks me to watch the kids around her night work schedule (back at the bar) she even asks for money and favors from time to time. She has spent time with me but it seems that wither she is spinning me further into a web or conflicted as to what she wants. The divorce to this point has me looking a bakruptcy really quick. My kids are a mess-while she still sees them (and acts like a good mom) they miss her and her "new" life does not involve them ( a double life. The Man she is/was invovled with is very wealthy a known womanizer and cocaine user/dealer but it is said he is untouchable. My wifes life with me resembled NONE of this. I love her and would work this out even now-I think she has tried but keeps a foot in her other life. I wont keep the kids from her but I do not think she is stable enough to truly give them what they need right now. DO HER LIES HOLD ANY WATER IN A CUSTODY HEARING? I am not going to get a lawyer I cant afford it. I dont know what to do I am so trapped and powerless. Advice?
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Re: serious question and help

Postby jumbledone » Tue May 22, 2012 10:54 am

Advice? Cut the spigot off. Hold onto the kids if you think there is any danger, or that she is providing inadequate care (but ONLY with proof that will stand up in court).

Go incommunicado - don't talk with her about anything but the kids. Next time she asks for support (emotional, physical, monetary), cut her off midsentence with 'I am here to talk about the kids. If that is all you have regarding them, I'll chat with you later.' A couple of times of that and hopefully she starts getting the message.

Disengage.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby brooktrout » Tue May 22, 2012 10:56 am

oh yes I make significantly more money than her but am buried with our debt and she takes no financial repsonsibility for the mortgage etc. Also her night job/life is not healthy for me or the kids as we have to dance around constantly. See I want to be with my kids so I dont say no when she asks. But cant get a commitment or honest one that she has a semblance of understanding of what she is doing to our lives or that we share any sort of common values anymore. What types of proof would actually hold up in court that she is not safe (lieing?) I dont have much other than my suspecions and her elabrit lies.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby Fatheroffour » Tue May 22, 2012 10:57 am

You should closely review the links in my signature. You should also rethink getting an attorney if you are serious about parenting your children.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby brooktrout » Tue May 22, 2012 11:05 am

I have no interest in a battle with her-so I would rather find common ground. I also have no money for a lawyer-NONE
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Re: serious question and help

Postby jumbledone » Tue May 22, 2012 11:07 am

brooktrout wrote:oh yes I make significantly more money than her but am buried with our debt and she takes no financial repsonsibility for the mortgage etc. Also her night job/life is not healthy for me or the kids as we have to dance around constantly. See I want to be with my kids so I dont say no when she asks. But cant get a commitment or honest one that she has a semblance of understanding of what she is doing to our lives or that we share any sort of common values anymore. What types of proof would actually hold up in court that she is not safe (lieing?) I dont have much other than my suspecions and her elabrit lies.


Lieing does not equate to providing an unsafe living conditions. You're essentially screwed there. But the part that caught me more was "See I want to be with my kids so I dont say no when she asks."

You have just as much right to access with the kiddos as she does. Enforce that right. Don't let her play gatekeeper of your kids. In fact, while she is busy with Mr Wonderful, time to strike while the iron is hot, and counterfile, requesting kids be returned to marital home, and that she be given the EOW + 1 dinner a week with the kids.

It will be much better when you hold the cards than when she does. Use it to your advantage.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby brooktrout » Tue May 22, 2012 11:10 am

Divorce has been filed ( she filed)-and I have a case manager conferance on Thursday. She really does not keep the kids from me, simply uses my child care to further destroy the families life and it happens mere miles from me which is emotional torment.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby jumbledone » Tue May 22, 2012 11:12 am

brooktrout wrote:Divorce has been filed ( she filed)-and I have a case manager conferance on Thursday. She really does not keep the kids from me, simply uses my child care to further destroy the families life and it happens mere miles from me which is emotional torment.


This is gonna sound harsh - but that is your issue, not yours or the kids.

Reframe it: Don't be upset that she's boinking someone other than you, be thankful you get the extra time with the kiddos. Focus on them, not on her, throughout this.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby Fatheroffour » Tue May 22, 2012 11:14 am

Once she does the math and figures out how many 8balls a month ytour child support will buy you will be sunk. You don't have that winning attitude you and your children need.
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Re: serious question and help

Postby brooktrout » Tue May 22, 2012 11:15 am

i have been trying to do that. Simply the circumstancial reality is she is not safe herself so how is she safe with the kids? the total change in values personality and lifestyle is terrifying to the point I find hope in it-she is so far off the deep end at some point she has to wake up-but at what cost to me and my boys. Shoot I am going to be homeless (my parents house) soon. I went from a really good life to total chaos in months.
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