If you can understand what your NJ's primary motivation is you can use it to improve things a bit. My NJ is irrational and illogical. I CAN'T fix that, not even worth trying. But I do realize now that she has a highly developed "victim complex" and that she is really selfish and loves to make everything "all about me". So I use that when I talk to her. It's really stupid but you might as well learn how to avoid conflict as much as possible since you are probably an expert at knowing how to have conflict or you wouldn't be divorced
Also, sometimes it's best to say nothing at all if you having nothing good to say. Taking the high road is a bit painful at times but eventually your NJ will be the only one yelling, the only one losing her temper, etc., etc. and by keeping your cool and acting rationally she will have a harder time blaming you as the bad guy (of course this won't stop her from blaming you but you knew that).
But don't be a pushover, stand up for your rights and the terms of your parenting plan. She may not respect you EVER, but she needs to know that you aren't going to accept certain kinds of behavior if it harms your ability to be a good parent. It's a lot like being a parent to the most unruly teenager in the neighborhood.