PAS?

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

PAS?

Postby dadof226 » Thu May 17, 2012 1:23 pm

The divorce has been final for a year and I've been noticing little things here and there that might be considered PAS.

The most recent situation: I bought both kids cell phones so we can talk/text anytime. I send a text in the morning and before they go to bed. My youngest said that, "Mom keeps my phone in her room so I can't reply back or talk to you". I sent an email regarding it and NJ basically told me that I'm interrupting her time and that I see them every other day. (I have them 2 days a week - one of them is overnight and EOW). NJ also said, "That is totally unnecessary."

I feel like I am on my way to Parental Alienation... What can I do to keep the kids out of this disagreement, but let them know that I will NEVER stop sending good morning/night messages?

BTW - the kids phones are on lockdown. Only certain numbers can text/call. I pay for the phones, but NJ's cell and work are added to the list to "keep peace".
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Re: PAS?

Postby RC411V » Thu May 17, 2012 1:46 pm

Seems a little bicchy but she is a parent, and I don't know if I'd let my kids have a cell phone in their room at night unsupervised or whatever. Don't know how old your kids are, but maybe make an agreement that at a certain time they will turn their phones off or something, and just make sure you text before then? Texting every night and every morning seems kinda in the middle of it to me too, I don't know... why not go to their school and give them a hug and kiss before they go to class in the morning?

Basically seems like a parenting and logisitics issue, not really a PAS or enforcable 'custody' issue to me...
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Re: PAS?

Postby KeepingMyKids » Thu May 17, 2012 1:55 pm

Taken on its own, this one won't get you anywhere. But I agree that it's a strong indicator that things will progress from here. Document and bide your time. Good luck.
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Re: PAS?

Postby dadof226 » Thu May 17, 2012 2:02 pm

NJ is always trying to control my time with them and it gets old. NJ denies most requests beyond the CO. The kids do have a certain time that they cannot use their phones and that's fine with me. I do NOT want them to have their phones at midnight and be able to talk to their friends.

I WISH I could be able to go to their school and give them a hug/kiss before they go to class. It's not possible when I start work at 630am and they don't start school until almost 9am. Once a month, I'm able to bring them to school with an adjustment of my work schedule... the 3 times a month, my FDW takes them.

I miss tucking them into bed at night and waking them up in the morning. I want to make sure they know I'm thinking of them every night/morning. They are 9 & 12.
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Re: PAS?

Postby dadof226 » Thu May 17, 2012 2:06 pm

KeepingMyKids wrote:Taken on its own, this one won't get you anywhere. But I agree that it's a strong indicator that things will progress from here. Document and bide your time. Good luck.


That's where I see it going. Yesterday evening, S9 was honored for his artistic work at the local museum. FDW & I went up to my kids and said hi, great, job, etc. Not even a minute later, NJ told them that they had to go upstairs to see the rest of the artwork. Kids looked really disappointed and I hate seeing them like that.

I know this is all minor stuff, but I can see it adding up. I'm definitely documenting everything. Including where she "forgets" to pick the kids up from school or give S9 his medication.
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Re: PAS?

Postby coparentchamp » Thu May 17, 2012 4:14 pm

FDW & I went up to my kids and said hi, great, job, etc. Not even a minute later, NJ told them that they had to go upstairs to see the rest of the artwork. Kids looked really disappointed and I hate seeing them like that.

*****

"Oh I can't wait to see all the other stuff...lets go!" There is NOTHING she can do in a public place from keeping you from hanging with your little ones...be pushy. Don't ever forget that they are your kids too...she has no more rights over thier love and affection than you do.
Raised by a wonderful single dad.
Current Mom of 2.
Happily co-parenting since 2002.
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Re: PAS?

Postby startingagain » Thu May 17, 2012 9:22 pm

I am finding that just giving the best love, structure, support and encouragement is the best. I have been told (and I am seeing it with my D10) that if you are a better parent, the children will see through that.

I am very concerned about the parent alienation, and am working hard to be positive, upbeat, and I never say anything negative about the mother.
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Re: PAS?

Postby dadof226 » Fri May 18, 2012 8:34 am

coparentchamp wrote:"Oh I can't wait to see all the other stuff...lets go!" There is NOTHING she can do in a public place from keeping you from hanging with your little ones...be pushy. Don't ever forget that they are your kids too...she has no more rights over thier love and affection than you do.


Great advice. I will try that next time! She does think she has more rights than I do since she is CP. It's been a struggle to co-parent with her.

startingagain wrote:I am finding that just giving the best love, structure, support and encouragement is the best. I have been told (and I am seeing it with my D10) that if you are a better parent, the children will see through that.

I am very concerned about the parent alienation, and am working hard to be positive, upbeat, and I never say anything negative about the mother.


I do this 100% when they are with me. I will NEVER say anything bad about NJ in front of them - even when they tell me things. I will not sugarcoat anything by saying, "oh, it's normal to forget to pick you up"... but I don't go beyond that. I just continue to document everything.
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Re: PAS?

Postby RC411V » Fri May 18, 2012 10:32 am

I think we just have to do the best we can. My kids are happy to see their mom, but they love coming to my place. I'm more disciplined with them and they complain sometimes about it in the moments when they can't play video games or watch tv on a weekday, or when they have to finish homework or do a chore, but they overall are happier and to me more secure with me, so they like it. Like in the previous post, I also think kids know who cares for them, so keep doing your best.

There are lots of books about PAS and related issues. I'm pretty sure Divorce Poison is one of the most recognized ones. You could read about strategies for defending against it.
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