Giving Child Support Back to my Ex??? Frown upon?

Parental Alienation, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Giving Child Support Back to my Ex??? Frown upon?

Postby CBH'sDaddy » Mon Jun 13, 2005 9:39 am

I've been thinking about this for along time and Just wanted to get some ideas from you guys on this site.

Note: My divorce is finalize and I got Sole custody of my kids and the Ex pays 32% Net of pay to me via a Garnishment.
We both see eye to eye on parenting and She tries to be around the kids as much as she can. I know she is going thru a VERY Hard Financial Crunch and is staying with a friend who isn't even charging her rent since she cannot afford it.

I know child support is for my kids not for me. I do car for my Ex's Well being and Sometimes i think the $$ that she is paying me can benefit her more as she hardly have enouh money to pay for her Debt and car payments.

Me on the other hand has taken the Childsuport money and Deposit in a Savings for my kidies. She has ask me on several occassions to help her out financially and I have done what I can. If you were in my situation would you continue to help your ex? I figure she is at rock bottom and helping her out is also helping my kids see that I do care about their mom.

any suggestions? Actual Hit me on the head? Realistic views? Setting PRecedent for future court.?

Thanks in advance.
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Postby TooNice » Mon Jun 13, 2005 10:05 am

I would assume that it is stated in your CS decree that any $$ given to the other parent (outside of CS) is deemed a "gift" according to the legal definition of a gift. I doubt it would set any precedent, although it may create a dependency situation.
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Postby raf in OR » Mon Jun 13, 2005 10:39 am

If you want to help the ex and you truly believe that she is in financial trouble, then why not do something like buy her groceries? I personally wouldn't give her cash directly in any form, since contrary to the other poster, I believe that could come back to bite you in the b---.

How do you know for sure that she is in trouble? I always hear from my son that "Mom has no money". Actually it only turns out that Mom has no money when it comes to our son. She has money for a new car every 2 years, a new boat, a camper and a big screen TV all bought recently ( I'm sure not actually paid for, just all on monthly payments since that has always been her thing). But son's $50/year high school book fee couldn't be paid, so he didn't get his diploma at graduation!

Also, is Mom in financial trouble due to poor choices that Mom has made or is she in trouble due to no fault of her own? In my opinion, if it is due to her choices, then you throwing money at her will make absolutely no difference. It would just enable her to continue to make poor choices. What is the debt that she is paying? What kind of car is she making payments on?

I am rather tired of hearing about the poor Moms when nobody gives a damn about the poor Dads!
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Postby CBH'sDaddy » Mon Jun 13, 2005 11:29 am

Well our Debt were Split 50/50 and I've been paying it all until 1 month ago when the divorce was finalize. I manage our Finances throuout our marriage and I know what she takes home and What her debt is. There is no way i can live if i was in her shoes. Buying the Grocery is a good ideal. I'll start from there especially for the weekend that she is taking the kids. Good Advice Keep them coming.

My decree has nothing about gifts,
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Postby raf in OR » Mon Jun 13, 2005 12:13 pm

You say that you were paying all the debt until just one month ago? So she hasn't actually had to deal with any of this until right now. Give her a little time to set up her own budget before you jump in and bail her out. Give her the chance to be the adult. Just out of curiousity, who wanted the divorce here, her or you? Did she expect to get a better deal than she did from the courts?

So what debts is she paying? What sort of debts had the 2 of you accumulated? Is she paying a car note on a new, expensive car or just an older, cheaper car?

Basically she has 2 choices if she doesn't have enough money to live on: cut expenses or bring in more money. What has SHE done to improve her situation or is she just relying on YOU to bail her out?

I assume the courts decided that she was able to pay the CS amount they assigned to her otherwise they could have deviated from the guidelines or given you more of the debt. And if she is so strapped, she could always file for a modification.

Personally I think she is preying on your feelings.
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Postby CBH'sDaddy » Mon Jun 13, 2005 12:59 pm

Thanks for the view Raf.....

I filed for Divorce because She left the house and i had suspect her of cheating. She never showed up for Court and the Judge award Me my Decree By means Of DEFAULT. We have 2 2004 Automobile and I keep one and She has the other one so she has to pay the Loan on it. Its roughly $400 and only has 12K left.

Debts that she is paying is CC debts, School loans, thats it. She doesn't make much $. I think i will advise her to get a budget plan. SHe doesnt even know how to balance her checking account. She pretty much is relying on me alot to bail her out. SHe has cut out eating out and sack lunches only.
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Postby raf in OR » Mon Jun 13, 2005 1:11 pm

Ok, she has student loans, so does she have a job that utilizes whatever degree she borrowed for?

First off, she needs to dump the car and get a cheaper one. Obviously she doesn't have the money for a $400 car payment. That is insane. She needs to get a car that she can afford. Where does everyone get the idea that they are entitled to a new spiffy new car even if they can't feed themselves? Give me a break. How stupid is that???? I kept my last car for 13 years. I've had my current one for 7. I have no intentions of buying a new one until that one dies. And, by the way, I could afford to, I just choose not to. Your ex needs to get a grip and you need to quit feeling sorry for her and responsible for her. Take care of you and your children. She already made her choices.

Gee, how big of her to quit going out to eat!

Why do you feel the need to take care of her?

It all boils down to choices: she has choices and so do you. Make the right ones for your children. I would bet my bottom dollar, that even if you don't give her a dime, she will figure out a way to live her life the way she wants.
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Postby Trevor » Wed Jun 15, 2005 12:20 pm

I agreee with raf on all these posts. What about her parents? Her other friends? Her job? The best way to get on your feet is to get off your < hindquarters >.

It seems that you are a softy and she's playing you, big time. Stop enabling her to use you as a crutch. It will benefit her more, long-term, to be accountable for herself. Use the CS money to pre-pay for the kids' college educations, if your state has such a program. Stop bailing her out.

Let her family and friends be her financial advisors. You have kids to raise and a new life ahead. Stop looking backward, man!
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Postby kahuna » Wed Jun 15, 2005 6:46 pm

I have little sympathy for able bodied adults who are willing to take money from their own children to compensate themselves for failure and lack of motivation. Don't give her the money. It ain't yours and it especially ain't hers!!!! Can't balance a checkbook???? Don't let her keep sponging!!!!
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Postby CBH'sDaddy » Thu Jun 16, 2005 10:01 am

Trevor wrote:
Let her family and friends be her financial advisors. You have kids to raise and a new life ahead. Stop looking backward, man!


Her Family has cut her off as they are all on myside and supported me. She choose her New friends over her kids & me. Now that all her friends are not around anymore it sucks for her.

I agree with everyone. I think the only thing i will do is hand her a few grocery bags when she comes to get the kids EOW.

Thanks for everyone's insight. I like the PREPAID college as we do have a program here in my state.
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