Having a hard time letting go

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Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:23 am

Hi

My wife and I've recently split up, long story short.

We've been together for 10 years, and always had some sort of "soulmate" relationship, my feelings for her have always been big, and she expressed the same, I proposed to her in February 2017, the marriage was supposed to be in summer 2018

We have a S7 and twin D2½.

This fall she told me that she felt empty inside, and wasnt sure what to do about it, I was in shock and cried alot, however she agreed to counselling, and so we went, first time there went with me expressing that I werent sure why we were there, she shaid she loved me with all her heart, but was afraid it was more as a friend than a hubby. However she began to feel better and we stopped the counselling after the 2nd time, she was "cured", however I did feel something was off, but we spent more time together whenever the kids were in bed.

After the holidays, we began buying rings and dress for the wedding, paid for the venue and so on, 4 days after we bought the dress (Sunday 28th Jan), she came home from the gym, and said she had to move out, she had been sleepless for some time during the night, and felt that she couldnt go through with the marriage the way we planned it, I suggested we replanned it then, but it wasnt enough, she werent sure if it was the marriage or our love. So the next day, Monday, we cancelled to our families and the venue, she wanted the message to be "we decided", but I refused to tell that story, she expressed great feelings for moving out, she had to, and couldnt or wouldnt give any sort of answer, wether to it was for good or not. After speaking with my brother the same day, he adviced me to tell her to go to a hotel for the week, so I could focus on the kids, and she could focus on whatever freedom she wanted.

We talked daily during the week, and she rota expressed the desire for other things, she was attracted to other things and freedom, she had dreams of laying on the floor in her own apartment, and other rather weird stuff in that caliber. My stance was that everyone can have doubts about their relationship, I was supportive of her making a decision and told her that I'd give her as much time as needed to figure it out.

The night between Wednesday and Thursday, she texted me at 3 am, saying she was looking forward to coming home.

Fast forward to Friday and she comes home again, the kids had missed her and were just told that mom had been gone for work, late Friday, I however found a text on her phone sent to a coworker, which was out of context, but could be interpreted as some kind of flirt, but was out of context. So I confronted her, with his first name without mentioning the text, and she said well she has 3 co workers with that name, I mentioned his middle name and said that I recall her speaking alot about him, and spoke about other stuff, she slowly admitted to fell attracted to others and not just other things anymore, slowly I learned that this guy apparently had been flirting with her at work, but she refused it but had gotten fascinated by him, thats what i learned that night.

Next morning when she left for the gym, I checked her work mobile, which contained several photos of said guy, in working related events and diner events with clients, one where the seat next to him is empty while she's taking a photo and his waving at her, one from a club etc. etc. I realise what's really going on here, and decided to confront her with the pictures when she came home.

She went a little further, and admitted that she'd been flirting aswell, and had been emotionally unfaithfull, which I felt sounded like bull, I do recall her driving with him to his client in his fancy sports car in the fall, where they, along with other coworkers, spent the night at a hotel, and he drove her back home again the next day. She argued that "well your day was easier if you had the car so thats why I did it", she never admitted to having had any physical contact with him, but was "fascinated"

This guy is in his late 40's and 11 years older than her, and the single for life kind of guy.

I then spoke with my brother, who adviced me to ask her if she saw anyway for us to fix our relationship, which I did and she said no, at which point I ended our relationship, the whole idea of her moving out, and me waiting for whatever decision she'd make down the road, was too much to bear. She got upset and told me that then she'd definately never come back :roll:

That was this Sunday, Monday was our boys birthday, and we agreed on her sleeping till monday, and making sure the morning and afternoon for him was good, during the day, she called me to ask if she could sleep to tuesday aswell, since she had issues finding an apartment and did not want to pay for a hotel, I agreed first, but had regrets later in the day. I asked her when she expected to move out, and she said 1st of March, and I kind of panicked, having her at home made me unable to get out of the feeling of shock and surreality I was in. She got angry but I talked her in to moving into a hotel Monday after the birthday.

So Yesterday, she texts me in the middle of the day, and asks if I feel better now she's gone, I refuse to answer and later on she calls and I refuse to pickup, I need some space to get my head straight, later on she writes a long < hindquarters > text, about how she's sorry but need to follow her feelings, and something was lost in our relationship etc. etc. etc. to which I replied "your choice was to cheat, don't make it sound as if this < feces > happened to you", she refused to admit to something which she had not done, and I told her that I'd prefere if she did not contact me.


The situation is that I'm left with our 3 kids, I'll have them 9 days, she'll get 5 days, when she has them, she'll move into what is now my place, and I move into her apartment "when she gets one", so the kids do not have to move at such a young age.



Here's my main issue, I think she might regret it, and I miss her dearly, I was ready for marriage and it really struck like lightning. While I hope she'll come begging or whatever, I also realise that I'm going to have a reaaaally, if not impossible time accepting what has happened with her coworker, she mainly seemed as if she wanted to keep me on a pause positio, while she figured out whatever she wanted. But as explained, I decided to take control of the events, but it hurts so much and I still want her back :( my feelings run in a mix of crying, disbelief and anger. I have no issues taking care of our kids, cus I love them so much, and I honestly have no idea how she, a loving mother, can leave them for "freedom"


Help :|

Also, I'm absolutely heartbroken that my S7 needs to be told this soon, he loves him mom like nothing else, and it really hurts knowing that he'll have to deal with this:(
Shaz
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Chaos » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:43 am

I'm sorry you're going through it. All you can do at this point is be there for your kids, and it sounds like you are.

However this:

The situation is that I'm left with our 3 kids, I'll have them 9 days, she'll get 5 days, when she has them, she'll move into what is now my place, and I move into her apartment "when she gets one", so the kids do not have to move at such a young age.


It doesn't work. It's commonly referred to as nesting, and it's important to think through the consequences before you commit to it. How long is it going to go on for? What's the cleaning schedule? How are you going to feel about her going through all your < feces > all the time? How are you going to feel when she brings her boyfriend over?

Children aren't that fragile. Her parenting time should take place in her home.
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:47 am

We've set some ground rules for nesting as you call it, my bedroom will be more of a hotelroom, when she has them, I'll make sure to clean it and make the bed, she'll do the same in her apartment, everything else in the house stays the same, so the kids will have as few changes as possible.

Also I'm not bringing anyone to her apartment, and she's not bringing anyone to my house, we agreed that we need theese rules for it to work and have also set rules for cleaning their clothes, shopping, etc etc.


She's usually very logical thinking and as I know her, rationalise instead of let her emotions run away with her, except for this time I guess.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:54 am

OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's hard when we love someone and they turn their backs on us.

Do not share the home, her apartment and financial entanglements. You each should get and maintain your own place. We here understand why you think it's in the kids best interest to keep them in the same home, but it's really not. Yeah, she'll tell you anything you want to hear right now. She couldn't be trusted before, and certainly not once you are out of home. You do not really know her.

I know you are very emotional right now, but trust me when I say you are lucky you didn't get married to this woman. She is not the type of person you deserve. Even if she came crawling back, do not take her back. She will only stray again. She has shown her true colors. Deep down, you have to know this. It's going to be tough but you will make it through to the other side. Hang in there.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Chaos » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:58 am

If you think you can sleep in the same bed as the guy who broke up your family, that's cool. It's going to happen, probably at your place but definitely at hers.

Don't put it in the paperwork though. It's not a lasting solution.

Have you considered what happens when one or both of you are living with other people?
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Lazarus » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:06 am

I went through a similar situation as you very recently. I know how awful a place it is to be. I am still not on the other side of things either...maybe 6 months farther down the road than you are. I will offer some things I have picked up along the way that have helped me move on.

1. You can't make her want you back. No amount of pleading, begging, etc., will make that happen. She has to want to come back to you on her own and for all of the right reasons. If she comes back to you for the wrong reasons then you are doomed from the start. The best advice I can give is for you to move on with your life. You can't control her and you will only drive yourself crazy if you try. I am not saying you shouldn't fight for your relationship if that is what you want, but you need some space right now to reflect on yourself and work on yourself. Based on what you have said, it sounds like she has been emotionally detached from you for some time. You can't convince her with logic to come back to you overnight. She has to want to return to you on an emotional level. My point is that you need to let go of her, work on yourself, and see how things work out.

2. You also have to decide what you want. Do you want her back? Can you ever be happy with her? Can you reestablish trust again? You need to make sure you want her back for all of the right reasons as well. A large burden of rebuilding trust will be on her and she's going to have to show you she can be trusted. Do you think she is capable of that? Even if you decide you would take her back, you need to move on with your life under the assumption that she is gone for good. You will continue to talk to her about the kids, be polite when you see her, but do not become her doormat. I personally have resolved that I will not avoid any difficult conversations, which she would probably call a fight, out of the fear that it would push her further away. She is already gone. But keep the discussions civil, use your recorder, and try not to over-analyze things.

3. I went through a range of emotions early on. First, it was panic, then it was sadness and loneliness. However, the worse of all was a period of anger that consumed me. How could she betray me like this...how could she do this to our family, etc. I stayed angry for a while and it was by far the worst phase mentally. I have no answers for how to process these things, but it is said frequently that time is the best cure. It is true, in time I got out of a place of anger and I am really indifferent to the whole relationship that once was. I am now truly looking forward to a new life without the STBX and I am really focusing on taking care of myself and being the best dad I can be for my kids. I am no longer dwelling in anger nor am I holding on to some hope that the STBX will change her mind and come begging for forgiveness (because it just isn't going to happen). I feel so much better, happier, and free.

I hope this helps.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:06 am

No financial and emotional entanglements is paramount. My XW tried to entangle me with a nesting arrangement. I was so adamantly opposed to it that I told her I'd see her in court if she pressed the issue. Like marriage, nesting is all risk with little reward for the man.

Kids are resilient and will be fine going between your place and the mother's. What's important is that you are an involved father, because your kids are counting on you to be there for them.
The only way out is through.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby madalex » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:10 am

One more voice strongly urging against doing the nesting thing. It won't work and will only serve to make this whole situation more difficult. Your kids will be fine.

Also, as you were never married, you need to get yourself to an attorney right away to lock down the custody schedule you have agreed to.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Lazarus » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:12 am

Shaz wrote:She's usually very logical thinking and as I know her, rationalise instead of let her emotions run away with her, except for this time I guess.


Be careful not to assume you are dealing with the same woman you have known for the past 10 years. Nobody here knows better than you, but proceed with caution.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby dad2grls » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:39 am

As far as the whole nesting thing goes, from what I've read and understand, is that when it works reasonably well, it's good for the children and provides more stability.

It's NEVER good for the parents, it complicates finances, child support, and makes it difficult if not impossible for the parents to completely detach from each other and get on with their lives.

That much being said, no one here can tell you whether or not it will work for your particular situation. Not with any degree of accuracy, that's for sure.

One thing's for sure, your kids are not necessarily going to be "fine" as has been suggested by at least one poster. Divorce rips the family apart and causes trauma to the children that can last for generations to come. Numerous studies have clearly demonstrated that children from divorced parents generally don't fare as well as children from intact homes, although of course there are exceptions. So if you're looking to minimize the impact on your kids, at your own peril, then you can certainly consider implementing your nesting plan and see how it goes.

You've got nothing to lose by trying.
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