Having a hard time letting go

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:17 pm

Well, your answers helped all of them.

I have to try the nesting thing, I know I'll cut it off the second it goes south, but the set rules and the split economy, will hopefully help, I don't plan on doing it for long, just long enough for the 2 twins to stop crying for their mom when she's gone for 2 days straight.

And I'm more aware of how I have to forget her now, in some ways I feel guilt, I must have neglected her somehow, even tho our relationship have been pretty much as it's always been, she's always been abit clingy which I'm not, part of me wishes I would have been more into staring into her eyes for hours on end, to satisfy that need, but then again, I'd be < edited > miserable if I'd have to do so.

I guess it is what it is, and I just need to forgot about her, the most likely cheated physically part helps, especially coupled with the deceit of "hey lets marry" < bovine scat >, I wish we had been arguing for months ahead of this instead.

Atleast my daughters and son arent shy of giving out hugs, I've only cried once in front of one of the twins, and excused it with "I bit my tounge"


Oh another question, when she was gone mon-fri last week, my mood improved rapidly from mon-fri, when I hit thursday I was honestly thinking "shouldnt I be crying all the time? am I giving her and the relationship more credit than it deserves?", anyone else ever had that feeling during a time like this?
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:27 pm

Hard truths:

1. Mr. Wonderful is in the picture. You've been nexted.

2. She goes to the gym for him, not for you. As Bart mentioned, it's to improve her sexual market value.

3. She wants to keep in touch in case things don't work out with Mr. Wonderful. You are her Plan B paycheck. Even if you 'take her back' it won't be long before this cycle repeats.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:31 pm

1. You are making a big mistake with the nesting. Just fecking stop it. Once you start it'll be harder than never trying that stupidity.

2. No "neglect" on your part justifies her taking off her clothes with Raul the Pool Boy, dude. Stop the self-immolation. She is a hoor, and you fecked up picking her as the mother of your kids.

3. Your kids need you to be a rock, and the nesting nonsense will be like the wound that doesn't heal; a slow bleed. Better to tear off the bandage now and let the healing begin.

4. You acknowledging your emotions shows a bit of emotional intelligence - that is a good thing. Learn about EI and make sure that you always pause - breathe - between a stimulus and your response.

5. Enjoy the good emotions - aspiration for the future, deep love of a Dad with his kids, settling your fears with rational thought. [With the notable exception of the absence of rational thought around your plan for nesting - think about arriving to her place to find crusty spunk in the bedsheets. Pretty sick, no? Enjoy your sleep.] If you think I am being unkind, think again - these are ideas that can help quell your emotional responses to things in your life.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby dad2grls » Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:45 pm

Shaz wrote:I have to try the nesting thing, I know I'll cut it off the second it goes south, but the set rules and the split economy, will hopefully help, I don't plan on doing it for long, just long enough for the 2 twins to stop crying for their mom when she's gone for 2 days straight.


There's a lot of info on nesting, do some research, read the pros and cons, be prepared. One other advantage is that the apartment can be small since it's just the one adult staying there. Gives you an opportunity to rebuild your drained finances over time and prepare for your own place eventually.

Shaz wrote:I must have neglected her somehow, even tho our relationship have been pretty much as it's always been, she's always been abit clingy which I'm not, part of me wishes I would have been more into staring into her eyes for hours on end, to satisfy that need, but then again, I'd be < edited > miserable if I'd have to do so.


Could you have done things differently? Sure I think we all take our respective others for granted, and if you've got a clingy vs an avoidant personality clash, there's going to be problems. She didn't get what she needed from you so she went elsewhere. And surely that's what she's telling anyone who lends an ear. It doesn't excuse her actions, but learn from it and maybe be more attentive to your next partner.

Shaz wrote:Atleast my daughters and son arent shy of giving out hugs, I've only cried once in front of one of the twins, and excused it with "I bit my tounge"


Good job. Grieving at a funeral is one thing, but as far as the divorce goes, you don't want to be crying in front of your kids- it puts them in a position where they are "parentified" and asked to shoulder too much responsibility- it can really mess them up.

Shaz wrote:Oh another question, when she was gone mon-fri last week, my mood improved rapidly from mon-fri, when I hit thursday I was honestly thinking "shouldnt I be crying all the time? am I giving her and the relationship more credit than it deserves?", anyone else ever had that feeling during a time like this?


The emotions come in waves. It's the body's way of protecting itself, it only process a bit at a time. You'll feel great one day or one minute and the next you'll feel like crap. There can be triggers, or it can just happen with no rhyme or reason. Eventually it all levels out and the emotions dissipate. One day you'll get to the point where you won't wake up and within 30 seconds it hits you that your life has permanently changed.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Chaos » Wed Feb 07, 2018 2:22 pm

There's a lot of info on nesting, do some research, read the pros and cons, be prepared. One other advantage is that the apartment can be small since it's just the one adult staying there. Gives you an opportunity to rebuild your drained finances over time and prepare for your own place eventually.


He's keeping the house. She's getting an apartment.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Broken Machine » Wed Feb 07, 2018 2:46 pm

Do NOT do the nesting thing. Kids will adapt and function just fine. In my divorce, my kids shuttle between the STBX and I on a weekly basis. My kids are just fine and have adapted really well considering. Also, you cannot trust your ex-fiancé for anything. I would seriously just let her go and only deal with her for issues with the kids. She is not wife material and believe it or not you are lucky to find this out before the marriage.

I am not sure how things work out in Denmark but here in the US custody favors status quo. If Denmark is similar then you want to stay in the house. Hell she already moved out on her own accord. Let her stay out (and change the locks if you can legally do so).

Your ex-fiancé is also giving you the trickle truth treatment. She went all the way with the other dude and is just keeping you on the line as a Plan B in case things don't work out with mr. wonderful. She does not respect you in any way...she is fickle. And she has forever destroyed her trustworthiness (at a minimum with you).
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:45 am

Right, so I've slept on it, and I think I'm seeing it abit more clear now.

I just need to know if what I'm contemplating is morally ok :|

so far I'll play along with the 9-5 arrangement, and nesting idea, I'm well aware of your warnings and I can see it going south, however, financially I could benefit very well from it, she'd end up paying almost half her salery in alimony, I'm not going for it for a payback, but I'm also having a hard time accepting, that her career was built on my taking the kids most of the time, and now she wants to move out and life the free and rich life, while I'll have to struggle to support the kids.

However for me to be able to get an alimony that's this big, I'll need to make sure that the 9-5 split is set in stone, which it'll be after we've done it a few times, the state wont support her asking for a 7-7 f.ex, after she finds out how expensive it'll be in a few months time (takes state a few months to settle the amount), I havent told her how much it is yet.

Here, alimony is doubled up, depending on income, her income means I'd be getting it 3 kids x 3 times the amount. Now since i took care of our economy, I know she'll be spending anywhere between 2/3 to 3/4 of her montly salery on her new flashy apartment and the alimony, in the beginning I felt sorry for her, but I guess it's not my problem in the end, there's cheaper apartments to be had.


But, should I come clean and tell her she'll be broke as an unemployeed and will be sitting in her apartment eating oatmeal every day? Or just go with the flow? I also realise that mr. perfect might show up in her life, and she'd be financially supported ( guess), and that would leave me sorta < edited > if I let her pay less, which I can.


I feel like such a < female dog >, exploring this "HALF EDDIE!" attitude
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby dad2grls » Thu Feb 08, 2018 8:08 am

I'm not understanding why the alimony you expect to receive is based on the nesting or time spent with the kids. Sounds to me like you're confusing child support with alimony which is nowadays called spousal support which is only given or received between 2 parties that were married.

As far as telling her she'll be sitting in her apartment, broke and eating oatmeal all day? None of your business or concern.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Broken Machine » Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:41 am

Don't tell her that she will be living poor or anything along those lines. For one, you don't know the future. But more importantly, you want to focused and naïve about post divorce life. You don't want her to rethink her strategy and then take more from you in this divorce. Radio silence is golden.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Me_and_my_boys » Thu Feb 08, 2018 8:25 pm

My ex tried to sell me on the nesting concept. I imagined myself on the bedroom floor with a magnifying glass, searching for foreign pubes. That pretty much put an end to it.
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