Having a hard time letting go

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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby C3156 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:44 am

My only addition to this thread is that you need to think more long term.

I realize that you are probably only looking a day or two into the future at this point. You need to take a step back and look at this from a distance. Your solution (nesting) is not sustainable in the long term. At some point one of you (or both) is going to meet someone and want to settle down. There is no way a new significant other is going to want to jump into this crazy house/financial rotation.

Believe it or not, kids are very resilient and can adapt to new situations. Separate your households now and spare the kids the confusion of parents swapping out. Make separate households the new normal and your kids will accept it. You are going to have to rip the Band-Aid off at some point, I recommend sooner rather than later.

As also mentioned, you need to move and establish the legal custody of the children. That is definitely something you don't want to leave ambiguous.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 11:51 am

Regarding "winning" her back, I'm quite confident that I'm doing the right thing, even tho it < edited > sucks atm since it's 2 weeks ago she bought her wedding dress :-/

Regarding the nesting thing, we'll have seperate economies, I'm paying for the current house, which is cheaper than the lavish apartment she's buying, so I'll stay at her place free of charge, and buy my own food, and so will she. She'll be paying me alimony (she earns far more money than I do), and she's in the process of getting her own bank.

We plan to do it something like this:

I've got them from Monday, Thursday 10 days later she's picking them up at school/daycare, and going to my place, where I'll be going to hers after work, she stays at my place over the weekend, I at hers, Monday after the weekend she drops them off at school/daycare, and I pick them up in the afternoon.

My bedroom will be sorted like a hotel room ish, as will hers, which means no pictures of whoever, or leftovers, we clean the bedroom at both places when we're done using it.

This would be the arrangement for 2-3 years (well the plan is), or till the twins are big enough to understand.

I'd honestly rather take the emotional beating, than let the kids take it, but I really do understand why you're advising against it, and I ofcourse have no idea if I'll be going nuts 3 months from now.


Thanks for the advice regarding her Lazarus, I hope I'm strong enough to not give her a "come hoooome" call, I think I am, I know she's already missing the kids alot, and it's barely been 2 days, but I told her not to contact me, I'll ofcourse contact her if she needs to be contacted.

I guess I prefere the "You wanted to leave, so leave and leave me alone" approach, rather than letting her linger and dragging me down while she's in doubt or acts as if she is
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:00 pm

Ugh. If only I could create some phrase that captures how you are approaching your wife. Let’s try this:

I hate you, don’t leave me.

Does that sound about right - is that what you are thinking?
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:07 pm

Hmm, I don't hate her, if only I did :lol: I havent asked her to not leave tho.

I'm unsure on wether I want her back, short term, definately yes. But I also know that I'd never be able to live in a relationship where she at some point had fallen for another man, so I guess it would be a no, I'm pretty confused atm :(

I guess I wish I'd just be able to forget her asap, cus I resent what she's done, the whole "let's act as if we're getting married" part, doesnt make it better at all a few days before she says she needs "freedom"


God I can't wait till the pain and confusion from all of this < feces > settles, the papers regarding the kids are also beeing taken care of, besides her job leaves her no room for beeing a single mom, mine's a 9-5 kinda thing, so it does.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:17 pm

I also forgot to mention, she wants to stay in contact, last week she wanted to talk and text several times every day, she spend the weekend here, and after I told her to leave Monday, saying I need time away from her to get my head straight, she began texting me yesterday, going "does it help when I'm not there??", I refused to answer, and she began calling me, and I didnt pick up, then she began texting < feces > like "I need to know if the kids are ok!", I answered "we're fine", she called some more, and ended up at my doorstep at 10 pm, crying "why arent you answering??", I told her why, ofcourse the kids are ok.

I told her to get out, in a nice way, later she texted me a long text about how she might have fallen out of love, etc. etc. which is where I answered that she choose infidelity, and she needed to stop talking as if it had been forced upon her, I told her to leave me alone again.

Luckily today, I havent heard a thing so far, I miss her but I'm fairly confident, that I need to take control of this, as much as I can, for my own sake, instead of sitting around hoping for her to call.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:26 pm

Are there cultural matters that influence this relationship from another country?

‘Cause it looks like a pretty standard American relationship to me - she determined her sexual market value and is out shopping for a bigger, better deal. You’re Plan B. Monkey Physics is taught in the Freshman year of High School here, maybe sooner.

You have never been dumped before?
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:30 pm

We're both from Denmark and live in Denmark.

The biggest difference on us, is our jobs, she's quite successfull at a larger American computer manufactorer, working with large international clients, taking business trips and eating with them etc. I however work as an IT consultant. We agreed a long time ago, that if she wanted to pursue a career, she should, I have no desire to work that much.

Not quite sure what the monkey physics part means, but I'm also pretty sure she's keeping a door open "just in case" whatever plan she has doesnt work out.


I've been dumped before, but it's some 20 years ago, and under complete different circumstances.
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:53 pm

We're based in the US, so what works her may not work there.

But I agree with the obvious, that she is < edited > another guy, and unless you're cool with that, you need to switch off your emotions regarding her. She's not coming back, and you shouldn't want her back.

And FFS stop it with the nesting - contrary to what someone else wrote earlier, it never works for the kids because it never works for adults.

Have you gone to your doctor to get the full slate of STD testing, including HIV/AIDS?
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby Shaz » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:55 pm

Trevor wrote:We're based in the US, so what works her may not work there.

But I agree with the obvious, that she is < edited > another guy, and unless you're cool with that, you need to switch off your emotions regarding her. She's not coming back, and you shouldn't want her back.

And FFS stop it with the nesting - contrary to what someone else wrote earlier, it never works for the kids because it never works for adults.

Have you gone to your doctor to get the full slate of STD testing, including HIV/AIDS?


Never considered the last part... but I'll make sure to make an appointment now
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Re: Having a hard time letting go

Unread postby californiadad18 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:57 pm

I have been in your shoes my friend. Together for 8 years had a daughter and then were engaged to be married, she decides to split before our daughters 1st bday. So believe me when I say I understand where you are at in all of this and the feelings you probably have right now.

1. Regardless of what she has told you she 99.9% likely cheated on you.

2. Like others have said this is no longer the woman you fell in love with. (just a shell of what you remember)

3. Once a man realizes/discovers the woman he loves no longer loves him she is WAY further along in that process. Think months or possibly years.

4. Right now focus on your kids and yourself.(stay busy, gym, mediation, new/old hobby etc) Nothing will 100% get you to stop thinking about her. The only thing that will do that is time unfortunately, so be patient.

5. Stick around and listen to the advice on here. Many a men have been in your shoes and sometimes it's therapeutic knowing you aren't alone in what you are going through. You can also get some great advice on how to proceed in your pending legal case.

6. Right now it seems she has been cordial. Obviously it will be great if that continues but please be prepared for the chance that the switch can flip at any moment. Particularly once things like child custody/support start coming to the forefront.

7. Please do not take her back. As others have said you deserve better, and she has already shown her true colors.
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