How to move on - Should I

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:47 am

Therapy...

Look into CBT. From you state of mind and projections, you really should be getting some help. It will help get you on the right track and put you in the right state of mind to be Super Dad for your children.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:18 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:Therapy...

Look into CBT. From you state of mind and projections, you really should be getting some help. It will help get you on the right track and put you in the right state of mind to be Super Dad for your children.

I'll talk with my therapist about that. Thanks.

.....crazy how this thread started with one topic and went kinda off base. But it's all part of the progress.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Minerva » Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:53 pm

CODA.org

You're codependent man. You can't see it but it screams to all of us. If you don't get this fixed you will end up with another crazy person in your life pronto.

You long for that feeling of being loved, wanted, needed. The people that fill that void are emotional vampires. They make very strong, quick connections to get their meathooks in you. Telling you how amazing you are and how you are soulmates blah blah blah. Then once you are addicted to that feeling they start to go crazy town.

You don't have the space yet to see this for what it is. You need to run to your nearest counselor and swear off even breathing around another woman for a year.

Put another way, just like you are attracted to the crazies, a normal woman with healthy boundaries could not stick in a relationship with you right now. Healthy people attract healthy people.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 1:31 pm

Minerva wrote:CODA.org

You're codependent man. You can't see it but it screams to all of us. If you don't get this fixed you will end up with another crazy person in your life pronto.

You long for that feeling of being loved, wanted, needed. The people that fill that void are emotional vampires. They make very strong, quick connections to get their meathooks in you. Telling you how amazing you are and how you are soulmates blah blah blah. Then once you are addicted to that feeling they start to go crazy town.

You don't have the space yet to see this for what it is. You need to run to your nearest counselor and swear off even breathing around another woman for a year.

Put another way, just like you are attracted to the crazies, a normal woman with healthy boundaries could not stick in a relationship with you right now. Healthy people attract healthy people.


Thank you for the answer. Best advice about this topic. I'll accept that. And even though I understand, at the same time I don't. I was going through screenshots and emails I kept, some are from what we went through in 2014. Before we had court that time, we actually got to talk and she was giving me a shot at reconciling. There are 4 screenshots she emailed to me back then of articles on codependency. She knows me personally, and there's a few things I'll even admit to 'wife knows best' but you guys don't even know me, and apparently it screams.

Then couples counseling in 2017 - I wanted to leave her but rather work it out. At some point (just after she made up her mind she isn't willing to try anymore) the therapist wanted to see us separately. He had us each take a personality test so he can compare the answers and explain how we conflict hoping it would help. Mine came out not like me at all, but I guess it described me at the moment. In fact, hers came out as my typical personality, and other way around. Counselor explained this can happen in couples, role reversal, and that's when one starts pushing away the other.
Codependency came up again.

That must be the key. I just don't know how it happened with me. But I'll read on that website you provided. You must be spot on to reply like you did without putting me down.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 8:23 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:....... You will get through this, but understand you are not going to get what you want from your STBX, family court, judge, etc.

Why do say this?
Today, I feel like just giving up. Just too much. I cannot take it anymore how things are. Read back through my threads, realized I was told this, and that temp orders can become final and certainly can't have that, so it's like why try?
When CS starts, I won't even be able to pay all of my bills due to the way it was calculated, after rent and car, I'll be lucky if I can eat.
Sorry so depressing, but I came here thinking there'd be hope, and haven't found much of anything here to help me
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Minerva » Fri Feb 09, 2018 9:14 am

A lot of the guys on this board suffer from it casper, so you're in good company. It's very easy to recognize for me because it's my default behavior. It's not even what you're saying that is a dead giveaway, it's the subject that you are talking about.

Sometimes I think it's easier to understand if you frame your situation as another person (not yourself).

Guy getting a divorce comes to you. In the middle of his sh*t storm, he discusses with his child about his future partner. He frames the story about his daughter wanting a motherly figure. He says he wants to wait a few months to date, and nothing serious.

Sounds weird right? Like the girl on reality TV that says she doesn't like drama? You're telling yourself in your head that you want to wait to date and nothing serious. Everything about your post screams that you'll meet your soulmate at the grocery store and be married in a month, and things just happened you didn't envision it that way....

There's two really good books I'd recommend, one is No More Mr. Nice Guy, which is a very practical example of how to live your life as a codependent. The other is Emotional Vampires by Bernstein which gives you an insight into the type of people that you're likely to have a relationship with as a codependent. Emotional Vampires was very eye opening for me as to the types of ways crazy people invaded my life and now I'm much better at spotting it and defending against it.

Of course I highly recommend CODA and/or therapy because it's a very serious mental condition that if you don't get healing from will cause a lot of turmoil in your life. Therapy will help you discover why you are wired this way and how to rewire your brain to stop the negative patterns (mostly in your thought process).

The craziest thing about "codies" that I've noticed is that they appear to come from all walks of life and backgrounds. None of my parents were "bad", we had a decent family, no drugs or alcohol abuse. I have a friend whos parents were alcoholics. I have another friend who came from a military background. We all have the same tendencies despite the unique backgrounds.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:43 am

Emotional Vampires was recommended to me when we separated the first time in 2014. But I had already borrowed a book, had it about a year and barely got in to it, so never thought about reading. Thanks for bringing it back up.

I am just soooo down I feel like I can't get back up. My friend's gf been taking care of me in ways, suggests I get a woman for womanly needs she can't provide. The sad thing (and probably screams codependent) is I already met my 'soul-mate' and now she's this insane person I've never met. After nearly 17 years, she is no longer the person she used to be. It's not even just me she cut out of her life, a couple friends of hers too. She's different and I wonder how many times besides me that she's heard "I miss the old (*ex's name*)"

This will be my first Valentines with nobody. It never meant a whole lot anyway, but even before her, when I was a teenager, I still had someone. And throughout my entire life, so many mom's of chicks that would've loved for me to be their son-in-law, I ended up with the one who's mother hates me and has been doing her best to ruin my life since the beginning.

Now I wonder, since she's said it before and now being said here, that me being codependent is normal for me, or just the two times we've split. Even personality test shows I'm not the same, leaning towards codependent.

-----

Since I'm writing, I did something I probably shouldn't have. This is way off topic, but just writing as it's therapeutic. I was down one night this week (what's new) thinking if I could just redo the year 2017 what I'd do differently. Yes I wanted to leave her, in the end she wanted to feel like the one who left me; but I know exactly what I could've changed for things to be smoother and not in this situation. Knowing I'm in a codependent state, being clingy / needy will push her away, and last she needs or wants from me is a love note; but I did write her a letter. Things she's said in the past like thinking I am saying I'm perfect and it's all her fault when it's not true, so she'll say name your flaws then. This letter was about 'regrets' and from what her friend told me, she read and re-read, and was in a good mood since I didn't push for anything, and didn't try to negotiate court stuff. It was only stuff I know she would want to hear, regardless of if it changes anything.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Trevor » Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:11 am

Dude, you need to get out of your own head. I barely got through that last post for wanting to reach across the interwebs and slap the <urine> out of you. That woman who is sucking your metaphorical < male genitalia > is doing you no favors - stay away from her, or at least stop listening her her stupid advice.

Go volunteer and see how tough some people have it. Go find a hobby (one that doesn't require females) and pursue it. What do you do in your spare time? What hobbies have you wished to pursue but never did? Ever tried to learn "Smoke on the Water" on guitar? Ever taken a device-free 5 mile hike in the wilderness? I dare you to do that this weekend. I double-dog dare you.

The kind of people attracted to the hot mess that you are right now are going to make your life worse, though they will seduce you in a second with a honey tongue. BTW, you seem to be unaware that you can access (online) hours and hours of video (though you may only need 5-minute chunks) of beautiful, fit women doing all sorts of wonderful things without any clothing on. You should do that too, anytime you feel so inclined.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:18 am

Trevor wrote:....
The kind of people attracted to the hot mess that you are right now are going to make your life worse, though they will seduce you in a second with a honey tongue...

Yes true so that's why I am not gonna do a thing.
I'm glad I was truthful here, keeping me from bigger mistakes.

Trevor wrote:.........you can access (online) hours and hours of video (though you may only need 5-minute chunks) of beautiful, fit women doing all sorts of wonderful things without any clothing on. You should do that too, anytime you feel so inclined.

LOL :lol:
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby grandet2 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:26 am

bro, we are human, you can do it, just focus on other stuff, diverse stuff.

One thing I did to battle harden my chunky azz was to spend a lot of time with other mega njs, non-committal stuff, it was my road to earning my samurai nj title which came with a bedazzled cz belt.

When I need a break, I take my fly rod, put on my thigh waders (no jokes pls) and walk the bank for hours trying to entice some hoes (short for coho salmon).
“A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
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