How to move on - Should I

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:26 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:Casper, you are being defensive and shouldn't. We can only react to what you write.

In this post and another, you are drawing some significant conclusions from things your D7 has said. It's understandable (I catch myself from doing the same thing). But, you can't put any significant weight into what she's saying. She's not as mature as you think. She's most likely telling you things she thinks you want to hear. She probably does the same for Mom. She sees the reaction she gets from you and feeds off this. D7 wants Daddy's attention.

What I am saying is always listen to your D7. Let her (and it sound likes she does) know she can talk about you to anything. When she does, try not to overreact. Not saying you are, don't ever interrogate your D7. Absorb and process. Write these thoughts in your journal. Maybe a pattern will develop, maybe it won't.

I am concerned with your custody evaluation coming up you are going to try to bring your daughters thoughts known? Don't focus on the mothers negatives, focus on your positives.


I just got taken wrong is all. That reply of his hit me very wrong. I am on the forum while at work, only half way paying attention to what I write. Most of my posts have several edits as I'm also working on spreadsheets or something else while replying. I wasn't even going to come back except this once to see if there were replies, but decided to when reading yours, as you seem to be interested in genuinely helping me.

I still don't know how to word what I mean, but mainly that she isn't 5 or 6 anymore, 7 showed a jump in her mentality - she understands things more and it's crazy, and her answers to things would've been different at younger ages. I'm not saying she's more mature than she is, and that everything has to go her way, but as in most cases I do think that the children's wishes should be considered by the courts too if coming from a mature state of mind, rather than saying "I wanna live with mommy because daddy doesn't buy cheetos." And she is guilty of 'telling me what she thinks I want to hear' too, yes; she doesn't so much with mom.

So guess I am getting at, yes, I would add in my daughters wishes in to the evaluation. Not word it as "you should grant me more parenting time because that's what my daughter wants", obviously I have to have more of a basis, like make sure they know that we have a tight bond, that I am the only one she confides in as she doesn't tell her mother half as much as she tells me. She has serious trust issues with her mother. She knows she can talk to me about anything, and it's always been that way. I would like the evaluator to see the difference in how both kids are with me compared to being with mom, because even S1½ seems more calm and respectful when it comes to rules than at her house. It's not all about my daughter, but she's the only one who can voice her thoughts.

I know not to interrogate the kids, but sometimes it is so damn hard not to, especially out of nowhere when she says something like "I don't trust mama." So take that, and the fact I believe she wants a new woman in the house to see what a sane female looks like as a mom. She loves her mom I'm sure, but she wants to see life happy again as it's not so much right now. Thus the reason for this thread.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:43 am

You are mistaking your daughters state of mind.


And she is guilty of 'telling me what she thinks I want to hear' too, yes; she doesn't so much with mom.


She desires your approval.

the fact I believe she wants a new woman in the house to see what a sane female looks like as a mom.


Your daughter does not want to divide your attention with strange women.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:48 am

Stop it. You are ascribing to a child a depth of understanding of human interaction/needs that half of adults don't even get. She is relaying a fairy tale of family, not an "opinion" (which infers intellectual calculation that develops over many years). Unless there is actual abuse going on, the mother is going to get half the time with the child, if she doesn't even try.

We all get how Dads think their kids are special and more mature than the rest of the booger-eaters in the elementary school, but the courts know that "kids say the darnedest things" so there are few rational circumstances when the judge will consider what comes out of a minor child's mouth - in some states - but rarely before they are within a couple years of adulthood.

Your child needs you to be a parent and not a buddy. Sure, work on developing her critical thinking skills and coping with the divorce (by insulating her from it) are great things to be doing. But let her be a child when she is with you, free from the drama of your divorce (note - it's not her divorce).

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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:03 am

Casper, we do want to help you. Sometimes on this forum all it takes is a gentle post, sometimes it takes a bashing over the head with a 2x4. You are still falling into the same mentality trap and hence the responses are getting harsher. Take the time to think about what FoF and Trevor wrote to you. These are trusted vets that only have the best intentions.

Don't react. Read their replies 3-4x. Try not to be emotional in your response. You will get through this, but understand you are not going to get what you want from your STBX, family court, judge, etc.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:27 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:....... but understand you are not going to get what you want from your STBX, family court, judge, etc.

What I want above all is fairness. Of course this is something that can never happen.

Fatheroffour wrote:You are mistaking your daughters state of mind.

the fact I believe she wants a new woman in the house to see what a sane female looks like as a mom.


Your daughter does not want to divide your attention with strange women.


No, she doesn't. I failed to clarify that one. At mama's, she has a 'helper' which is ex's mother playing husband role. If I had one, then they could be doing the cooking and cleaning and I could spend more time with her. Not to mention I think daughter wants me happy, and she can read me now that I'm not.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Trevor » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:33 am

That's exactly what we mean by insulating your kid from an adult problem. You are doing her damage by moping around like a sad sack. Sack up instead, and start being the Dad you need to be, going forward.

Imagine: your daughter think's you're so broken that she, a little kid, needs to fix you. Can't you see the danger here? Can't you see the situation that you are causing for this innocent child? What are you going to do next?
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:39 am

Trevor wrote:That's exactly what we mean by insulating your kid from an adult problem. You are doing her damage by moping around like a sad sack. Sack up instead, and start being the Dad you need to be, going forward.

Imagine: your daughter think's you're so broken that she, a little kid, needs to fix you. Can't you see the danger here? Can't you see the situation that you are causing for this innocent child? What are you going to do next?


Yes, I'm working on it. I understand what you're saying. That's not exactly what is happening, but probably not far off because she's not stupid. I don't want that on her. I don't know how to undo that. She sees how my ex-wife treats me, and she is fed up with it. I do my best, but not perfect
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:43 am

Your projection is strong. You are putting your thoughts in your daughters head.

If I had one, then they could be doing the cooking and cleaning and I could spend more time with her.


BS. If you are saying cleaning takes you away from your daughter or that you and her can't Bond while she's helping you in the kitchen cook dinner, I don't believe you.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:52 am

It was just a guess if I had to think like a 7 yr old who can't wait until her little brother's nap so it's one on one time. Funny part is we were actually working on dinner together at some of that conversation.

Yes, unfortunately projection is strong. I don't know how to change that.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Havalu7 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:45 am

Small point Stewie but you do not need to quote every post as it makes reading on the phone tedious.

I am glad you hung in there and are wiling to engage and get some strategy.

One day soon you WILL be on the other side of this and can become a highly paid volunteer here. The pay is awesome and giving out the free passes to the gift shop is fun!

You will be ok just keep that skin on and limit the quotes. Maybe a sentence if its absolutely necessary.
Last edited by Havalu7 on Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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