How to move on - Should I

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:35 am

D7 asked me a strange question, asking if anyone was coming or moving in. I didn't know what to think. I thought perhaps since I had my friend's GF go with me to sit at the hospital for S1½'s surgery so I wouldn't have to sit there alone with my ex and her mom, that one of them was having my daughter spy on me to see if that is now my GF, or maybe (paranoid thinking) that when ex-mil talk a 'talk' with D7 that she was sugar coating supervised visits - I had no idea why she asked this. I couldn't drill her why she'd think that, but as we talked, she did indicate she would like that. I think she wants what I want: regular family as we had it, but with a sane and competent woman, so things would be like they were. Also for the reasons that at ex's apartment she sees that my ex gets help with my ex-mil playing the husband role, maybe she thinks that's how a home is supposed to operate. I basically said ideally yes the two parents should take care of the house and kids, but if living apart that one parent should be able to handle it all. (I didn't want her to think I couldn't handle both kids, and I want her to grow up strong not having to rely on help)

I wanted to know more but choosing words carefully as not to drill, and she did indicate if someone were to move in, she'd like that and they would have to be female. I asked like who (if she said a kid's name, I'd know she just wants a playmate or new sister) and she said "Mimi" (ex's mother) then changed it to "not mimi but someone like her." So I was right that she wants to see a female there to take care of things, and see it to be a 2 adult household. I also jokingly asked "what if it was a guy who moved in?" and she said "you can't have a boyfriend daddy." ....so it's a new wife she wants me to find.

I explained that I do not foresee this happening, and ensured her I can handle it all and that when she is grown and if she's faced with the same situation that she should be strong enough to go it alone too.

However, I'm certainly not ready or able. Despite the horrific things my ex has done to me, everything except cheat, I'd probably take her back in a heartbeat if she said the word. Pathetic, I know. Maybe more out of what's comfortable as we were together 16½ years, I cannot picture myself with someone else.

But that will probably never happen. And how I miss someone sleeping next to me. So first, should I try to get out of my comfort zone just because D7 would like to see a female living with me?

And next, how? I haven't had to look for a chick since I was rather young, and even then, how me and my ex met was completely incidental, we weren't looking for a relationship. I don't go anywhere but work and home, and if I do go out, it's with my friend and his GF so I'm not looking at the same boring walls of my house or work. After my daughter said that, I even signed up for some dating site (idk which, but said it was free) and saw 1 chick I know (yuk!!) and didn't want them to see me, and all the other chicks in this area yuk too. So I deactivated that account immediately. I got no game because I never needed it. Not to mention who'd want me if I've got 2 kids, and all my money will be going to child support?
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:35 am

Casper, you have deleted your posts in your other threads. Why? Now you are posting a new thread? We want to help you, but our time is valuable and can be spent helping others in need. Please tell us why you deleted your previous posts? This will help you heal and help us help you.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby madalex » Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:38 am

Under no circumstances should you start dating just because you think it would make your 7 year old daughter happy.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:44 am

Don't date until you're ready.

You're definitely not ready.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:53 am

madalex wrote:Under no circumstances should you start dating just because you think it would make your 7 year old daughter happy.


Good enough answer for me. I honestly am just not ready. I suppose if I was ready, I wouldn't have to write a post about it being conflicted. That would've been my reason mostly.

At least that stands by what I said to her, which was that if parents are living separately, that they should be able to take care of the house & kids on their own.

LovingDadof2 wrote:Casper, you have deleted your posts in your other threads. Why? Now you are posting a new thread? We want to help you, but our time is valuable and can be spent helping others in need. Please tell us why you deleted your previous posts? This will help you heal and help us help you.


Thank you LovingDadof2, but that other one really wasn't relevant, judging from the comments, nobody wanted to read it anyway. It was my entire story from the beginning of us splitting til now. Nothing that required any help exactly. So reasonably, post by post, as things come to mind; rather than everything all in one post.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby Trevor » Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:18 pm

1. Earbuds and a book at the hospital visit when not with the kids. Dragging someone else there was a mistake. Don't do that again.

2. Your child doesn't have the depth to be asking you to find a new wife. Don't make the mistake of interpreting such childish statements as if they came from a rational adult.

3. The fact that you're one blow job away from ignoring all the history you've endured proves you're not only not ready for dating, but that you've done little work to move forward yourself. I suggest volunteer work, and posting here on other dads' threads, to get yourself out of your own head. It can be refreshing; trust that.

4. The fact that you miss someone sleeping next to you tells me #3 is spot on, but it may also indicate that your bed sucks. Can you buy a better one? I love my bed and could give a rat's < hindquarters > if anyone else shares it with me overnight more than occasionally.

5. Forget how to find another belly-warmer. You need to redesign yourself first for post-divorce life. Do that, and you'll *only then* be interesting to someone who is worth sharing your bed.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:31 pm

Trevor wrote:1. Earbuds and a book at the hospital visit when not with the kids. Dragging someone else there was a mistake. Don't do that again.

2. Your child doesn't have the depth to be asking you to find a new wife. Don't make the mistake of interpreting such childish statements as if they came from a rational adult.

3. The fact that you're one blow job away from ignoring all the history you've endured proves you're not only not ready for dating, but that you've done little work to move forward yourself. I suggest volunteer work, and posting here on other dads' threads, to get yourself out of your own head. It can be refreshing; trust that.

4. The fact that you miss someone sleeping next to you tells me #3 is spot on, but it may also indicate that your bed sucks. Can you buy a better one? I love my bed and could give a rat's < hindquarters > if anyone else shares it with me overnight more than occasionally.

5. Forget how to find another belly-warmer. You need to redesign yourself first for post-divorce life. Do that, and you'll *only then* be interesting to someone who is worth sharing your bed.


1. In hind sight, yes. But she offered, and she did make it easier being there with me as I probably would've ended up following them around the hospital though I also felt like I couldn't be near them after what they did. I don't regret it, but I'll take the advice. This is still kinda new to me.

2. I know that too. But the happiness of my kids mean more to me than anything. That's the only reason I even pondered pushing myself to get out there. Besides, she probably wants that more out of selfish reasons so that someone else is cleaning house leaving more time for me to play. However, though she's still a child, I value her opinion.

3. No way man. Truthfully I can't even allow anyone close to me even for that unless it was with my wife now ex. Maybe I didn't understand. If you meant one bj away FROM HER, then yea, you're totally right.
I will try to get more involved, though I don't have much advice unless I see something I've been through. As for getting out, does a 2nd job count? I'll need to get one once the child support starts.

4. The bed is great. I shouldn't feel that way as she's never slept in it. It's just been 16 years that I've always had someone. What if I stop breathing? Who would know? I even miss how she used to try to move me over when I'm snoring or starting to stop breathing though it was annoying at the time.

5. That's the answer I needed. Thanks for that. Yea, not ready for that. Too kid-focused at the moment to try. How? Well.... that's to be determined as I become ready. Thanks!
Last edited by casper646 on Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby madalex » Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:45 pm

casper646 wrote:However, though she's still a child, I value her opinion, and she's highly intelligent. The things she says these days, especially recently is coming from a more grown, mature state of mind.


Dude, she is 7! Her brain isn't even fully developed yet (no matter how intelligent you think she is). She doesn't have a grown or mature state of mind. Quite frankly, the fact that you are treating a 7 year old's opinion as grown or mature is a little creepy.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby casper646 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 3:34 pm

madalex wrote:Dude, she is 7! Her brain isn't even fully developed yet (no matter how intelligent you think she is). She doesn't have a grown or mature state of mind. Quite frankly, the fact that you are treating a 7 year old's opinion as grown or mature is a little creepy.


Dude, that's not what I meant! I was actually in the process of re-wording that so it doesn't look like I'm letting her call the shots or something. There's nothing creepy about what I was actually trying to say. If you think so, then there's something wrong with you.
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Re: How to move on - Should I

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 7:48 am

Casper, you are being defensive and shouldn't. We can only react to what you write.

In this post and another, you are drawing some significant conclusions from things your D7 has said. It's understandable (I catch myself from doing the same thing). But, you can't put any significant weight into what she's saying. She's not as mature as you think. She's most likely telling you things she thinks you want to hear. She probably does the same for Mom. She sees the reaction she gets from you and feeds off this. D7 wants Daddy's attention.

What I am saying is always listen to your D7. Let her (and it sound likes she does) know she can talk about you to anything. When she does, try not to overreact. Not saying you are, don't ever interrogate your D7. Absorb and process. Write these thoughts in your journal. Maybe a pattern will develop, maybe it won't.

I am concerned with your custody evaluation coming up you are going to try to bring your daughters thoughts known? Don't focus on the mothers negatives, focus on your positives.
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