My story (part of it)

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My story (part of it)

Unread postby Airborne386 » Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:09 am

This will probably be a long one and might sound like a rant or like I'm venting. Probably because I need to. I probably have needed to for a decade now.

I got a divorce back in 2014. The marriage ran for 10 years and was started at a very young age (20). We had children pretty quickly and had to learn about marriage and parenting in record time. Not that the parenting part was much of a learning curve. I think we both had some innate skill sets that worked well with raising children and having a family. As happens with many young couples, we had to struggle with the idea of having started so young and never having had the opportunity to grow individually and figure out who we were and what we wanted. We did that to ourselves and I understand that it didn't happen TO us. The end of the relationship was pretty traumatic, for me at least. Shed decided to start dating some guy who worked for the same company we worked for and then at some point told me that her mother was coming to visit and that I needed to leave because things between her and I weren't working out. I left for a few months and stayed with a friend out of state and then returned after the ex wife expressed a desire that I return. When I did, I found out that she was still seeing this other person and that I was basically there as a baby sitter to be with my children while she went out. I stuck this out as long as I could but finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I knew that I would have to leave soon anyway due to her mother coming out to visit. I was out of work at this time as all this happened during a time when I was wanting to change careers so, I didn't have money or options at this point. One night, I stood at the doorway of my children's bedroom and looked at my boys while they slept. I sat down beside both of them and gave them a kiss on the cheek and just sat there for a while. That was the last time I'd ever be a Dad. That's what it feels like today. That night was the last night that I was home and living with my children. I packed my stuff that night and put myself on a bus out to Colorado, the only place I knew someone that I could stay with. Although I had no other option that I could have worked out in the small amount of time I had to work with, this will rank as one of the if not THE biggest regrets I've ever had so far. I left. I didn't know that would be the last time. My boys woke up and Daddy wasn't there. My ex called me immature for leaving that way. I'm sure she was just annoyed that she'd have to find another baby sitter while she continued to date her new guy.

Since then I've seen my children 3 times over 4 years. It was hard for me to visit and then have to say goodbye each time. I already felt replaced. My ex had moved the guy she was seeing into the apartment I was JUST living in with my family and continued on with life like I didn't exist anymore. I could feel and sense the fact that I was being pushed out and erased. I hated the feeling so, I didn't go back often. I did keep in contact with the boys over skype and the phone but, it just is never the same. I've been looked at like a deadbeat that doesn't care of about his kids because I haven't been able to move back to where they are due to the lack of quality/life sustaining employment where they live. I'm not saying that every decision i've made since then has been logical but, I've never been through something like this before, had nobody to talk to about it and for the most part, gave up on myself and my ability to do anything to fix it.

The friend that I came to stay with was a female friend that I'd known for years as she was part of the same research group that I was in. She said she had extra room and that I could come to regroup. That turned into an attempt at a relationship which hasn't ever worked since day one, 4 years ago. She's never really been all that understanding about what the divorce did to me and how I miss being Dad and would constantly say that I didn't treat her right while not putting much of any effort in on her side. To be more specific, she has a condition called "agoraphobia" and doesn't ever leave her apartment. She gets up, goes to her desk, complains that she works too hard ( as an online legal secretary to one attorney where she does nothing 90% of the time) smokes, orders food in because she hates to cook or wash dishes, then goes to sleep and does it all over again the next day. She makes every excuse under the sun about why she can't work on her fears of the outdoors and how she just needs to "balance" herself and the fear will then flee from her but, this never happens. She consults psychics about everything in her life including relationships and doesn't realize how what they tell her influences her decisions and behaviors afterwards. She makes excuses for her abusive family members but tells me I don't do enough for her or that I embarrass her because I choose to set boundaries and not subject myself to people that are toxic, such as her family members. Today was my 9 year old's birthday so, I told her a week prior that I would spend today in the bedroom to myself, waiting to skype with my boys and that I didn't know when that would be taking place. It didn't take place for quite a while so, I stayed in here since I was feeling down anyway. As it happens, it was HER birthday yesterday and she chose to have a get together today with her nieces and nephews, her mother and brother so, I was chastised for not being there with her and "helping her out with her mother ( who has been sick and staying with us.... a decision that the girlfriend made on her own without consulting anyone else here ) Every time I come up against a family member of hers, I am compared and don't measure up. It doesn't matter how terrible they treated her and continue to. Now she wants to end things which, ordinarily should sound to most that read this as something that would be in my favor but, I guess I'm stuck in that low self esteem mentality. Plus the arrogance of, "This chick wants to end ME?" I have to admit that this is how I feel. Her family member treats her like < feces >, she's taken on bad habits from both her parents and behaved the same ways towards me, she hates the kitchen ( I'm a guy and I love food ), can't leave her home, always acts like someone else is treating her far better than I do even though I do everything for her that she literally can't do to her condition, she doesn't get dressed in flattering clothes..... EVER unless I bring it up gently once in a while and even then it seems like it's now a chore that she HAD to do because I complained, she won't put on makeup even though she's absolutely gorgeous with it.... I mean the list goes on and on and clearly I know what the best option would be but, I guess the low self esteem and fear of the unknown keeps me stranded. I'm trying very hard to refrain from trying to talk her out of it knowing that I'd be crazy to do so but, it's stupid human nature to sometimes even want to preserve bad situations.

I know I went off on a relationship rant but, it all factors into what I went through after my divorce. I told my ex wife that I would be planning on getting a house hopefully this year so that I could have my boys for the summer and different weeks throughout the year as laid out in our shared parenting plan but, she keeps trying to keep me at arms length. Telling me that it would be too shocking for the children or that she'd need to come out here and inspect where they'd be staying first, as though I'm some crack head pedophile. I've never done anything to harm my boys, I was always very close with them and my ex would even call me over protective with them in the past. It's insulting and hurtful to be treated this way.

I'll just end here and will elaborate if anyone has any questions about things I might have forgotten to cover. I was recently offered a job with the State and will be making more money that I ever have in the past. It's probably nothing compared to people that make six figures but, it's an amount that would enable me to finally be able to fend for myself without having to depend on anyone else financially which is very hard these days. It will also open doors for me to possibly get to a Federal position some day. Part of me sees all of this as my being given the tools to start a new life and get away from toxicity and maybe even have my boys all to myself out here without the influence of their controlling mother but, part of me is very scared to do any of this. I know it's sounds wussy because I'm a guy but, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to end a relationship that I'm obviously not happy in. I'm afraid to live alone (it would be my first time and I'm 34). I'm afraid of so much of the unknown. What If I don't find a woman that I can have a functional and happy relationship with? What if I bring my boys out here to stay with me and I can't seem to rekindle our relationship back to what it used to be.....

Has anyone been through this before? Does it get better as time goes on? Do I need to just take the plunge and trust the process? Again I apologize for the rant like nature of this post but, I've held so much in since birth really... and that is just the tip of the tip of the iceberg and needed to get some of it out. Any insight, thoughts, opinions would be very helpful. Thank you so much
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby whatever_works » Sun Jan 28, 2018 10:21 am

Airborne386 wrote:What If I don't find a woman that I can have a functional and happy relationship with?


Sir, I read all of it even though I should have stopped sooner. It is clear from reading your story that you are the cause of your own problems. I would stop blaming the ex and the current relationship and start looking into my own issues. Maybe talk to a therapist and figure stuff out before you seek another relationship.

Sorry if that stings.
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby Airborne386 » Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:54 pm

whatever_works wrote:
Airborne386 wrote:What If I don't find a woman that I can have a functional and happy relationship with?


Sir, I read all of it even though I should have stopped sooner. It is clear from reading your story that you are the cause of your own problems. I would stop blaming the ex and the current relationship and start looking into my own issues. Maybe talk to a therapist and figure stuff out before you seek another relationship.

Sorry if that stings.


Care to elaborate a bit more...?
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby whatever_works » Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:22 pm

Sure, based upon my reading, your current relationship has signs of co-dependence. You should have checked out from this one long ago. But you may have a personality disorder. Which is probably why your previous relationship went the way it did. But don't take this from some dude on the internet, please talk to a therapist with a psych degree.

As for your children, I think they deserve more time with their father. I would focus on getting help, living by myself for a while and taking care of the children and job/career, and then, maybe, thinking about finding a woman to have a happy functional relationship - in that order.
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby afc » Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:29 pm

Apply for jobs where your kids live. Move back and be a fulltime dedicated father. You will feel better
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby whatever_works » Sun Jan 28, 2018 4:00 pm

Yes but not if he is going to be focused on the drama. OP had his chance to focus on the kids. Now he has only 1/3rd the time - if that. And if he does not turn up his DGAF meter to 11 and learns to tune out all the stuff that does not matter, he will have the same issues as before.

OP, there are a lot of things in your post that don't really matter. But those are playing in your head like a movie and you seem to be focused on those. You need to seriously re-calibrate your priorities. Maybe that will come from living alone. Maybe that will come from talking to a therapist or just hanging out and reading on this forum. Maybe all of the above. Only you can tell.
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby steelmark » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:00 am

That wall of text was about everyone BUT you.

Are you trying to see your kids more or what?
Prepare and execute to win by a thousand miles, just to be in position to win by an inch.
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Re: My story (part of it)

Unread postby Db0055 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 10:11 pm

I understand the venting and you just needed to get it out. You left a bad situation and went straight into a worse one. Steel marks reply was blunt but right on point. You need to set a goal of what relationship you wants with your kids. Do what you have to do to get back on your feet but make sure it is only temporary and you keep your goal in mind. 4 years is way too long to be with someone who doesn't care about you being a father and never mind that she doesn't leave her apartment. That's code level 20 crazy and a huge red flag. Let the past go, get yourself together. You can definitely do it if you are doubting yourself. Best of luck
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