Need Help Coping

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby hoosier_dad » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:20 am

Been there. Ex moved in Mr. W almost immediately and married within months of the divorce being final.

Best way you can help your children is continue to make them the center of your world. I still remember being out with my children within the first year of the divorce. My son blurted out that I wasn't allowed to date anyone. When I asked where that was coming from, he vented that they are never alone with their Mom anymore and her focus is solely on Mr. W. when they're at her house. When they're with me I'm completely focused on them. He pointed to how nice our dinner was as an example and how it differed from life at the Ex's household.

You've been around long enough to know how putting off dating is better for you and your recovery, but it's also important to help your children adjust to the new situation.
User avatar
hoosier_dad
Moderator
 
Posts: 4794
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2010 10:02 am

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby mgtowthatish » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:00 am

LovingDadof2 wrote:Please help me cope with this new dynamic:
How do I convince myself my kids will be resilient and make it through if relationship ends quickly?
How do I quickly educate my kids about what this stranger can and cannot do?
Was I wrong to decline speaking to Mr. W?

I was doing so well mentally, but this is a huge setback. I sure could use a good ole Forum pick me up right about now...


First piece of advice is get into therapy immediately. It does wonders for your psyche. I'm a 50/50 dad and my attorney told me I would grow to love my alone time. I didn't believe him at first, but this has come to be true. There are times when I feel alone, but at least there is no drama in my life anymore.

Second is be alone for a while, but be open to new possibilities. I've been on dating apps since separation and have met some really fun activity partners as well as dates and lovers. It was/is a huge boost for my morale.

Third and final is realize that you cannot control what your ex does. The flipside to this coin is that she can no longer control what you do and that freedom is honestly intoxicating. If the relationship is long term, hope that he is good to your kids. Also, don't introduce any love interest to your kids for a while.
"Begin fashioning a life she will covet and will never have"
mgtowthatish
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2017 9:20 am

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:07 am

I've been on dating apps since separation and have met some really fun activity partners as well as dates and lovers.
Son, you are new here. That is horrible advice that is not consistent with this community.

We do not advocate any such behavior until one year after the divorce is final. Bet you don’t understand why?
Volenti non fit injuria
User avatar
BartSimpson
20K Club
 
Posts: 27093
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:50 pm

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby mgtowthatish » Wed Dec 20, 2017 12:56 pm

BartSimpson wrote:
I've been on dating apps since separation and have met some really fun activity partners as well as dates and lovers.
Son, you are new here. That is horrible advice that is not consistent with this community.

We do not advocate any such behavior until one year after the divorce is final. Bet you don’t understand why?


Completely understand why. Just saying that being with someone can be a lot of fun, but not to rush into anything at all. Thank you for the feedback.
"Begin fashioning a life she will covet and will never have"
mgtowthatish
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2017 9:20 am

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby Campfire » Thu Dec 21, 2017 10:05 pm

LovingDadof2 wrote:Thanks for the replies and posts everyone - they really do help.




Letting go (of kids care when with her) is really the hardest part. As a father, I feel like it is my only responsibility in life to protect them. She has and will always continue to make self-centered decisions. She always has. It's just who she is. I blame no one but myself for choosing her as a mate.

If I was forced to find any positives, the losers conviction happened 8 years ago. Hopefully he's turned his life around... who am I kidding?


If you are confident she is endangering the kids, call for a wellness check. It worked well for me. Be sure about this, though.

As to the BF, I work in the cockpit with Ex-substance abusers occasionally. Yes, people can change. The folks I work with are on an intensive monitoring program but the proof is in the pudding. Whether the BF has changed is up for debate but I would say a track record of 8 years without another public record is fairly strong evidence that he's gotten his Schmitt together somewhat.
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
Campfire
2.5K+ Posts
 
Posts: 3084
Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:12 pm
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby Chicyn2001 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 4:53 pm

I'm watching this thread closely because I'm not sure how I would react. I have a suspicion that when I eventually move out of the house I'm going to have a similar issue. My STBX spends a large amount of extracurricular time with one of her professors from her graduate program. This guy has even shown up at my daughter's ice skating shows. Coincidentally, he only shows up when I've got one of the other kids at another activity. I never gave it much thought because he's (I'm guessing) 20-25 years older. Part of me really hopes she finds someone else to occupy her time and leave me alone but the other part of me doesn't want some clown I don't know around my kids this early. I don't know how these NJs do it. I know plenty of guys are guilty of this too but the last thing on my mind right now is finding a new love interest. Like I want to deal with that again.
Chicyn2001
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:15 pm

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby GIdoc68 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:17 pm

wow lots to digest here. I'm going to take a slightly different approach and might encourage you to take this situation and ask yourself- why was she having an affair in the first place? Was it something about you, or is she just a < edited >? If it's the latter, well thats that.....but if it's the former, and Im not saying it is, can you change this for future relationships?

I read your post and I picked up on lots of hurt...pain, jealousy. You'll stop feeling that way when you find the right girl for you.

Dont neccessarily agree with the dating app stuff....unless you have the total package(looks and money), you're not going to do that well there. Try to meet one in real life...maybe where you work, a bar/club, amongst your friend circle, etc
GIdoc68
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:02 am

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby Havalu7 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:21 pm

GIdoc68 wrote:wow lots to digest here. I'm going to take a slightly different approach and might encourage you to take this situation and ask yourself- why was she having an affair in the first place? Was it something about you, or is she just a < edited >? If it's the latter, well thats that.....but if it's the former, and Im not saying it is, can you change this for future relationships?

I read your post and I picked up on lots of hurt...pain, jealousy. You'll stop feeling that way when you find the right girl for you.

Dont neccessarily agree with the dating app stuff....unless you have the total package(looks and money), you're not going to do that well there. Try to meet one in real life...maybe where you work, a bar/club, amongst your friend circle, etc
"No." is a complete sentence.

Do not move out of your house.
User avatar
Havalu7
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1847
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:43 am

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby Trevor » Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:00 pm

Ignore the pisspoor advice to start looking to replace the woman already. Just don't.
"Personal density is directly proportional to temporal bandwidth."
Trevor
Moderator
 
Posts: 23657
Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 8:55 pm

Re: Need Help Coping

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 1:03 am

I posted his quote in case the db starts deleting.

Whatever that MD prescribes do the opposite!
"No." is a complete sentence.

Do not move out of your house.
User avatar
Havalu7
1K+ Posts
 
Posts: 1847
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:43 am

PreviousNext

Return to After The Divorce is Final – Moving On

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 10 guests