9 months later

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

9 months later

Unread postby Optimist630 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 10:01 pm

My divorce was nine months ago. I came here, like many, scared to death and a pathetic version of my former self. I gained a ton of knowledge here. I also stopped feeling alone. It helped me through it all.

I have straight 50/50 custody of my amazing D6 but end up having her more like 70% of the time with ROFR and my disability which gives me the opportunity to be home with her all summer etc.

Things are going great! I have not even thought about interacting with the opposite sex. I see a counselor to figure out how I let such a person into my life and to ensure it never happens again. A quick summary of what I have done:
Dropped the anger. It only harms the vessel in which it is stored.
Learned to let it go. I chose to do this by mourning the loss I suffered. Not the person but the ideals. Skipping this step I fear would lead to more mistakes.
I forgave myself for setting me and my innocent daughter up for this life. She is my silver lining so that was easy.
I learned to accept things I cannot change. My ex is an overgrown 13 year old (not being mean - its reality) so before talking I remind myself of this and word things properly to accomplish the task at hand.
I found an outlet. Mine is the guitar. Growth is good.
I decided that the best way to show a stick is crooked is to simply lay a straight one beside it. She can do her thing and I will simply act in my daughter’s best interest. I will do most of the heavy liftinv but I got myself into this and that is reality. If I do 70% of everything and ex does 30 - well it adds up to 100 for my daughter so all is good.

I would have been thrilled nine months ago to find out I would be where I am. I got here by doing the right things for the right reasons. And by reminding myself the word parent is a verb.

Many of you here helped me. I believed it would get better because I read posts like this. Believe it. Everything ahead of you involves choices. You get to decide how your new life will go.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 10:31 pm

great news to hear. sounds like you are well on your way to a year of peace and beyond. I'm looking forward to being in your seat and being post divorce and agreement, but my time will come shortly.

I do think posts like yours are valuable. It shows that if you have a game plan and avoid mistakes you can ensure your rights to the child's best interests are maintained.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Optimist630 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 10:56 pm

Don’t try to skip any steps. They are all important both before and after. Typically whoever wants it to just be over with gives up more. You get one crack st it.

I wanted to be able to look in the mirror when it was all over. I saw a beat up dude. But I respected him.

With the utmost respect to those who serve our country, I felt like a post-combat soldier after the whole thing was over. Took me too long to get out of that adversarial mindset. Now she’s just somebody I used to know.

I cut all social media ties. I had to fake it til I made it. If I didn’t know anything it couldn’t affect me.

Worry about your karma. If someone did crappy things to you it is a reflection on them.

I got maybe TOO into sayings during it all but if I had to pick 2 that I think carry a lot of weight they are:
Those who say they can and those who say they can’t are both usually right.

If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Optimist630 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:21 pm

I will conclude my long-winded evening with a brief story.

I was with daughter at a Friday night Halloween party at her school. I was on a bench while she played. Next to me were two dads who clearly see their kids every other weekend. All they did was sit there and bash their exes and then women in general. They were just victims of crazy women. I was so glad I wasn’t them. Bitter as can be and seemingly going through the motions.

It feels good to just write it all off as the other person’s fault. Its also really easy to do. But you chose that person and 99% of the time there were warning signs ignored. It’s ok as we are humans afterall. But learn from if all.

I could write her a lengthy, detailed letter thanking her for her lying, cheating ways at this point. It would be more detailed than any love letter I could have written while married. That is on me. But I can justify my bad judgement by lessons I have learned.

Those guys on the bench are a huge part of those stats showing how often women get custody. Those “crazy” women likely put forth more of an effort than their helpless victims.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Broken Machine » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:45 am

Great story. I'm waiting until trial for mine. 50/50 is my hill to die on. I have that under temporary orders so far. As for what goes on inside my head. I'm getting there. I still have resentment. My STBX is exactly like how you described your ex...an overgrown teenager. She actually told me that I was responsible for her happiness. I busted out laughing. I'm good with my STBX being gone. I am doing so much better with her out of the house. The thing that still gets to me though is how I missed the signs. I have looked at my own issues as well (none of which deserve a divorce) and am working on them as well. Other upsides are that I am a better dad now.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Optimist630 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 12:06 pm

The missed red flags are what haunt me most. I am getting a good handle on that lately. I know that with the right person nothing I ever did was worthy of divorce so that is just a sign it was all wrong. Quite frankly some people are just living according to their script. Hers was that she is always a victim. She uses partners to make her feel everything. Happiness is a choice and not up to anyone else.

The resentment will fade. In my case I think I was deep down angry at myself for getting myself into the whole situation. When I really look at it, she truly never did anything out of her character, and that is what scares me.

But unless we grew up with a perfect marriage example right in front of us, it’s very hard to know. I had an amazing single mother who took care of me properly, but it didn’t help me know how to handle relationships. I also grew up so “normal“ that I didn’t realize the depths of crap that were out there.

Only own your own baggage. And be willing to address it and things can only improve. Its ok for her to be a bad person AND find areas you can do better. Because I just checked the weather and the sun appears to be coming up for at least the next 14 days! Have a windshield mentality. You don’t control what’s behind you.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Broken Machine » Thu Nov 30, 2017 2:53 pm

I have inwardly kicked myself for having my marriage/divorce happen to me as well. Either my STBX changed for the worse or she put up a really good façade. But I got over that as I realized that I did get three kids out of this and if given the choice even knowing what I know now, I would do it all again just to have them exist.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Rock Jaw » Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:48 am

Great to hear your progress and growth. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby Minerva » Tue Dec 05, 2017 3:16 pm

Biologically most men have an instinct to protect women. Playing the victim is a very easy trick to play (especially when they are making you feel good about how amazing and wonderful and caring you are). Getting suckered into hot sex and crazy women is the easy part.

Reprogramming your brain and changing your behaviors is the hard part. Congratulations for working on yourself and trying to be a better dude.
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Re: 9 months later

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 4:11 pm

aka putting in the work. quoted for truth!
Minerva wrote:Reprogramming your brain and changing your behaviors is the hard part. .
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