New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

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New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby RockyCali » Tue Apr 04, 2017 6:35 pm

Yesterday morning I sent a very polite email to ex, letting her know that I hadn't received April's calendar of the kids' appointments and extracurriculars. Asked if there is an easier way to transmit so I still receive this by the 1st (this is written into our parenting plan).

Updated orders in Oregon have been finalized for less than a month and she's already looking for loopholes. I get a diatribe in response. She says that:

- she will notify me of emergencies or "substantial changes" in their health (court language)
- she will provide me with a schedule to facilitate the scheduling of your parenting time with the kids. Likewise, she'll notify me of changes to activities that would impact my parenting time.
- she quoted court doc that said each parent is responsible for keeping apprised of activities and events
- quoted my full access to school teachers for complete school info
- says that if there are activities that fall during a potential weekend of mine, she'll let me know as she is able
- says she'll copy me on daily care info given by a medical professional
- says she WON'T let me know about "small" changes that do not affect my parenting time, non-emergencies, non "substantial change" medical appointments and visits
- offers me to always ask if I want to know how a particular child is doing, and she'll be happy to let me know

The language regarding the schedule in our parenting plan begins with this:
By the 1st of each month, mother shall provide father a schedule that includes all children's scheduled appointments and extracurricular activities to facilitate father scheduling his parenting time ...

She's focusing on the tail end of that sentence as a condition or qualification that has to be met before she provides it.

Here's what I have in my email draft (I always take the recipient's name out of a draft so it doesn't accidentally get sent:
This does not mean that you get to choose if or when you provide the schedule. It says you shall provide a schedule. Shall indicates an instruction or a command (common English definition). If you are going to interpret the word shall differently than it is intended, please review our parenting plan and observe how many entries include the word shall. Please consider how much leeway this would give me and ask yourself if you are comfortable striking all those entries and/or making them conditional on how I feel.

It's another in a series of slimy attempts to continue to shove me out of their lives. I had a LOT more in my initial draft to her, but trimmed it down quite a bit ... to this. Appreciate any thoughts.
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Tue Apr 04, 2017 7:40 pm

Take a step back, take a deep breath.

She is trying to figure out where you tie up your goat. By sending that email you will be telling her. Don't do it. Find the path of least resistance, and always say something​ like "sure, no problem". Look for the path of least resistance and be the path of least resistance. I'm not saying​ walk on eggshells​ or let her push you around. It's a balancing act.

Eventually the game playing and her trying to get your goat will get old for her when all she ever gets is short and nice replies.
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby a dad » Tue Apr 04, 2017 10:37 pm

Considering you live in a different state than your kids, all that info seems overboard. Hell, I wouldn't agree to that type of ongoing conflict living anywhere. That's why I advocate getting a set schedule.

What's your proposed/ideal parenting schedule and how might these items affect your parenting time?

How do you determine how many parenting days you get every two weeks? Or is it by month?
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby RockyCali » Wed Apr 05, 2017 12:21 pm

lovingfatherof2 wrote:Take a step back, take a deep breath.

Yes. Thank you. Part of my catharsis for this was posting here.

a dad wrote:What's your proposed/ideal parenting schedule and how might these items affect your parenting time?

I have to notify at least 3 weeks in advance. Usually, though, I notify months if not the whole school year at a time. To avoid this sort of thing.

An important thing to remember (I'm telling myself) is that it's way more beneficial to reduce conflict than to be right.

I read the recent post on HCPs (high conflict personalities), and that is definitely what I'm dealing with. The only way I am going to simplify my life is to also simplify hers. Even if it means that she gets to think she's right about a bunch of stuff that she isn't.
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby Havalu7 » Wed Apr 05, 2017 12:45 pm

Rocky you are hoping to simplify her life?

Brother that's outside of your hula hoop. And by trying to do so you are in essence showing her where your livestock are tied up. Not good plan Kimosabi; as others have stated.

Good plan trying to simplify your life; trying to simplify hers. .. um Bueller, Bueller.

Hang in there buddy but control what IS under your control.
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby RockyCali » Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:09 pm

No, I don't put any effort into simplifying her life. I do appreciate that reminder, though.

What I meant was that by responding with anything other than "Okey doke" or "Noted" or something benign and curt, I elicit novel responses from her. It's not worth my time trying to get her goat. By taking time to go through the parenting plan to count the number of iterations of the word "shall", I am buying into her style of communication.

Basically, the end result of finding ways to point out her mistakes wastes my time and energy, and results in a diatribe over email. I will read this email, get frustrated at all the places where she is wrong, and end up with another lost hour and tachycardia.

A simple, bland response is best. It's good training for me ... and for her.
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby iamthedad » Wed Apr 05, 2017 3:21 pm

RockyCali wrote:No, I don't put any effort into simplifying her life. I do appreciate that reminder, though.

What I meant was that by responding with anything other than "Okey doke" or "Noted" or something benign and curt, I elicit novel responses from her. It's not worth my time trying to get her goat. By taking time to go through the parenting plan to count the number of iterations of the word "shall", I am buying into her style of communication.

Basically, the end result of finding ways to point out her mistakes wastes my time and energy, and results in a diatribe over email. I will read this email, get frustrated at all the places where she is wrong, and end up with another lost hour and tachycardia.

A simple, bland response is best. It's good training for me ... and for her.


Or just don't respond at all. I don't know what other's here will suggest, and I could be wrong, but I just do not respond. My ex sends me emails full of 'we must' this and 'you should' that and 'see, you're the problem here', records our kids and emails the audio (which only shows how little she cares about the kids ironically). Unless there's a specific question or something that otherwise requires my response (somethings buried in a 3 paragraph diatribe) I just don't respond.
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby a dad » Wed Apr 05, 2017 4:48 pm

It sounds like he doesn't have a parenting schedule if he doesn't engage.

OP,

What's your proposed/ideal parenting schedule and how might these items affect your parenting time?

How do you determine how many parenting days you get every two weeks? Or is it by month?
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Re: New state, new order, ex already looking for loopholes

Unread postby RockyCali » Wed Apr 05, 2017 7:08 pm

It's most of summer, half of other vacations, then 15 weekends out of 9 school months. Was set based on 500-mile distance. I'm moving to about half that distance this summer.
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