NJ Is No Longer Represented

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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby iamthedad » Wed Apr 05, 2017 9:21 pm

massdad1234 wrote:you are part of the drama, the problem is your ex loves the drama too, so you two feed off each other. Grow up and put your children first. If she is late, document, be organized/prepared and then go home.

Instead you call the cops on her for being late. You realize we have to deal with that from the other side, you realize you're acting like our STBX's right?


I'm not defending my actions as anything other than following advice from others. I certainly do see how this feeds her need to have drama, however no action that I can take, for which I am aware anyway, will prevent this. I've just been trying to focus on doing my own thing and not sweating her 'personality'. Frankly, this is the first place I've seen or read not to call the police that I can think of. The police themselves have encouraged me to call rather than deal with her on my own.

I trust this place - people are hard core here, and I understand why. I'm doing all I know to do to separate from the drama. She regularly does all she can to entice it, and the more I push back and do not engage her, the more of this stuff she does, so I don't mind saying it often feels like ya can't win for losing.

We've been divorced going on 3 years. I knew this would never stop. The custody evaluator herself warned me that "this isn't over for you, I'm sorry to say." It's business as usual.

To be very clear, I do not enjoy calling the police, waiting for them to arrive, explaining to the kids again that ex is nowhere to be found, you get the idea. It's not fun for me, it is drama I do not want. Next time I'll get receipts - well, I always get one anyway when I arrive - and then I'll sit back and watch that grenade explode, but as long as I'm out of range of the fragmentation it makes no matter to me.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Apr 05, 2017 9:53 pm

so you are powerless to stop yourself from calling the cops and telling on the kids mother, telling the kids what you are doing (masquerading as their savior, sad!) and then expecting a co-sign? You seem like a gatekeeper. The kids were in no real threat as they were there with their dad and their mom was late! You're a zero on a scale of 1-10 on real life threats, grow up.

This is a simple problem with a simple solution. If she doesn't show in reasonable time, go home and let her know the details of when she can pick them up again.

Ask yourself this, has calling the cops made this better or worse?
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby iamthedad » Wed Apr 05, 2017 10:42 pm

massdad1234 wrote:so you are powerless to stop yourself from calling the cops and telling on the kids mother, telling the kids what you are doing (masquerading as their savior, sad!) and then expecting a co-sign? You seem like a gatekeeper. The kids were in no real threat as they were there with their dad and their mom was late! You're a zero on a scale of 1-10 on real life threats, grow up.

This is a simple problem with a simple solution. If she doesn't show in reasonable time, go home and let her know the details of when she can pick them up again.

Ask yourself this, has calling the cops made this better or worse?


No, I'm not powerless. I've been following what I believed to be good advice from people I respect, including the police themselves as I've already stated. They also recommended I 'wear' a recorder at all times, which I do. I never said the kids were subject to any threat, at least not by the ex being late. I call the police to protect myself. I'll tell you the whole sad story if you'd like, and then if you still want to call me a zero, at least you did so with full disclosure.

Better or worse? How do I answer that? Calling the cops hasn't changed her behavior, that's for sure, but I never expected that it would - neither has reaching out to her a day ahead of time via email to remind her of the exchange.

Anyway I've already said I'll just go home from now on, with receipts in pocket. When it happens again I'll share.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby RockyCali » Thu Apr 06, 2017 2:03 am

Guys I think he gets it.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby MonkeySee » Thu Apr 06, 2017 6:51 am

Ok, so, let's say that Mom's goal is to cause you discomfort. Mom doesn't care if the children get wrapped up in this discomfort, she just cared that you feel it.

So, to pursue this goal Mom is going to create all this drama over child exchanges. She is just going to spew this drama everywhere. She's getting it on you, on the kids, on the people you both know, and even on the police. Everybody gets drama!!

Whew! That's a lot, and now your kids think this is normal.

You have played your part very well. You've added to Mom's drama. You've let your children be right in the center. You've let her run the entire show.

Mom sits back and thinks "Good boy!" Then maybe she throws you a mental pat on the head and scratch behind the ear.

This needs to stop. You need to get control. You have to say "This is what is happening now" and then DO IT! Get some boundaries up to protect your children!! Stop the drama!

You know what she won't like? When you take the kids home, or to the park, or to the ice cream joint to make a FUN memory with them instead of sitting there, waiting for her, and playing your part in the drama show.

Drive through McDonalds and get a receipt. While you wait get a picture showing you are parked in an obvious place where she can't miss you. After 30 minutes you drive through again and get a second receipt then you go home. Then you play with the kids till she contacts you. Then you very politely say "I waited 30 minutes then I brought the kids home to play with bubbles until you were available to get them. Now that you are available I will bring them back in xx minutes."

Make this the new normal for your children.
Mom, stepmom, and grandma in OH.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Apr 06, 2017 7:07 am

I agree that OP 'gets it'. He's just struggling with how to change the dynamic he's fallen into with the ex. Its a difficult task when the stakes are so high.

Paralysis by Analysis is real.

Some good suggestions here, some even going overboard, IMO.

One receipt showing you were there is sufficient. A receipt when you get there and when you leave is overkill brought on by the paranoia of dealing with her over time. Same with calling the police every time. You could stop that today and with the history, all you have to do if asked is explain you felt terrible wasting public safety resources for such stupidity.

Going home and getting settled, only to leave again when mom decides to show? Not a great solution, IMO. She can pick up at the curb or not at all.

OP has the right mindset, he just needs to get more comfortable in the drivers seat.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby steelmark » Thu Apr 06, 2017 8:49 am

Fatheroffour wrote:Going home and getting settled, only to leave again when mom decides to show? Not a great solution, IMO. She can pick up at the curb or not at all.

OP has the right mindset, he just needs to get more comfortable in the drivers seat.


Her nonsense up to this point has affected everyone BUT her. She needs to pick the kids up at your place.

From the sounds of it, that will crank her up even worse, but at least you arent driving twice.

Your situation requires a really well tuned DGAF meter, that woman will drive you mad.
Prepare and execute to win by a thousand miles, just to be in position to win by an inch.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby iamthedad » Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:27 pm

Fatheroffour wrote:I agree that OP 'gets it'. He's just struggling with how to change the dynamic he's fallen into with the ex. Its a difficult task when the stakes are so high.

Paralysis by Analysis is real.

Some good suggestions here, some even going overboard, IMO.

One receipt showing you were there is sufficient. A receipt when you get there and when you leave is overkill brought on by the paranoia of dealing with her over time. Same with calling the police every time. You could stop that today and with the history, all you have to do if asked is explain you felt terrible wasting public safety resources for such stupidity.

Going home and getting settled, only to leave again when mom decides to show? Not a great solution, IMO. She can pick up at the curb or not at all.

OP has the right mindset, he just needs to get more comfortable in the drivers seat.


I appreciate all the responses - this one the most. I did a lot of reflecting on this. I genuinely have been doing what I understood to be the right thing to do. I acknowledge the collateral damage but have placed it in the 'cost of doing business' column.

Frankly I'm uneasy with the curbside drop offs. A friend has recommended the same but it feels too close.

I'll take my receipt and go home. There's drama either way, but I do agree with the prevailing wisdom.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby iamthedad » Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:29 pm

steelmark wrote:
Fatheroffour wrote:Going home and getting settled, only to leave again when mom decides to show? Not a great solution, IMO. She can pick up at the curb or not at all.

OP has the right mindset, he just needs to get more comfortable in the drivers seat.


Her nonsense up to this point has affected everyone BUT her. She needs to pick the kids up at your place.

From the sounds of it, that will crank her up even worse, but at least you arent driving twice.

Your situation requires a really well tuned DGAF meter, that woman will drive you mad.


I figure what I'll do is just go home. She will call from her blocked number and I'll wait for the email. In it she will rail on and on about co-parenting and how I'm the reason the devil exists and all the rest. I'll just respond with "see you at 7pm at McDonalds."

As for the DGAF meter, I'm working on it.
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Re: NJ Is No Longer Represented

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:37 pm

Frankly I'm uneasy with the curbside drop offs. A friend has recommended the same but it feels too close.


I've seen this a lot here over the years and it doesnt make sense to me. Dont want her at my house, always causes drama and so on.

My take on it is simple fear. Scared of her.

For that very reason I believe home is best. You can have your driveway and curbside lit up like a Christmas tree, covered by HD cameras being recorded with Dolby surround sound audio if you want. Time stamped and everything. You are at/in your home , totally protected and if there is drama to unfold there is the overwhelming legal presumption that she is the one that is causing trouble and must leave.

Home field advantage is a thing.
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