Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby AtticusFinch » Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:32 pm

massdaddio wrote:I've been involved with the Big Brother program for many years. After my divorce and the EOW screw job, I had a lot of time on my hands, so wanted to do something useful. It was a great experience for me. I enjoyed spending time with the boys and having another responsible adult in their lives has been good for them. The program receives a lot of free tickets to sporting events and other activities. It wasn't a problem for us to keep busy!


Thanks for the share, it's given me more motivation to pursue this in the fall.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby big guy » Wed Apr 05, 2017 7:47 pm

I have tried to take advantage of every opportunity to have an adventure. I did go out with one of my oldest friends a week ago. Absolutely no physical contact. We came back to her house so I could get my car to head home. Her oldest son came up from the basement the second we came into the house and stayed upstairs until I left. While we both had fun and she says she wants to do more things together, I am just not feeling ready for any of it.

This divorce stuff has really screwed my head up when it comes to enjoying life.

I'm trying again in a few weeks, but this time it involves an airplane trip and a 4 day stay. I am visiting one of my Facebook friends. We spent a couple of days together last Summer hiking with our sons.

I am looking forward to the trip and I am terrified at the same time.

I am failing in many respects: I fear rejection and get butthurt when things go wrong. I keep having to work hard to not have the negative thoughts that have pervaded my thoughts since before the breakup. The best thing you can do for yourself when someone moves on is "next". You must let go of the disappointment and not let it eat at you.

Through all of this we are getting ready for graduation. We just bought her a car this last weekend. College financial aid is done. I have a bit of money again after 4 years of sucking fumes. So in part of my life things have improved dramatically.

I have thought of trying hypnosis to see if that will help.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby Mock Turtle » Thu Apr 06, 2017 2:47 am

big guy wrote:The best thing you can do for yourself when someone moves on is "next".
That is something you do to yourself.
γού καvνοτ βε ας ςτοοpid ας Ι αm ηνλεςς γού Ηαvε βεεη ας ςmαρτ ας Ι ψας.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby Chasbo » Mon Apr 10, 2017 8:35 am

Bigguy, I have told you for many years that I thought you needed professional help. As in a therapist, maybe anti depressants.

I say this not because I think you are inferior to anyone else. I think you've been a great dad and you have navigated some stormy waters. I say it because you beat yourself up every chance you get.

For instance, part of dating is getting rejected and rejecting. You need to be able evaluate people and decide if they are right for you. And the other person has the right and obligation to do the same. Sometimes it's hurtful, frustrating,or upsetting. But that is part of the process. Part of life.

When I date. I don't think about getting laid. That is one of the last things on my mind. I want to find out if we are compatible. I want to hear their story. How can you be rejected when you do that? By the end of the evening you know if there is a spark. And you are not being a desperate,overly sensitive nervous guy. You are basically yourself. Women tend to really like the confidence that comes from that and that is a side benefit.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby big guy » Mon Apr 10, 2017 11:43 am

I was in counseling up to a little while ago.

I am taking my first big trip since the divorce to see one of my best friends in a few weeks. I really need to get away and get some fresh perspective. I really don't have the time to get away but I am taking it anyway.

I live in a place where everyone knows everyone else...sometimes for generations. Rarely a day goes by that I don't tun into a classmate at the bank, the grocery store or walking down the street. It makes it tough to find prospective dates. My rule is that I will not interfere with another's relationship. I may have to move or be willing to travel some distance to socialize more.

The process of letting go is in full swing. Graduation is in May. D18 is ready to spread her wings. Last Summer before college.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby breaker_morant » Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:30 pm

My divorce was final last October....and I've got one kid headed off to U of A (Roll Tide!) this fall. My son, who's on the Autism spectrum, still lives with me, but I'm working towards getting him as independent as possible...which will include living on his own (whatever form that takes). It's not meant to kick him out.....but to make me unnecessary, since if I get hit by a bus, I don't want that transition to happen suddenly and tragically.

For me, I've been (slowly) getting involved in more outside things - I'm headed down to Nashville in July for a guitar festival, which I haven't done since 2000. I've been focused on the kids for a long time...and now I get to focus on me.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby Mock Turtle » Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:51 pm

Good hobby. A guitar won't call the cops when you make her scream.
γού καvνοτ βε ας ςτοοpid ας Ι αm ηνλεςς γού Ηαvε βεεη ας ςmαρτ ας Ι ψας.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby DrewNYC » Sat Apr 22, 2017 4:08 pm

spritom wrote:Last:
For some states, if there is child support (or spousal support if applicable/tied to child's age)....it doesn't always end automatically. Many dads have found:
* child turned 18
* CS didn't stop
* they finally filed a paper to stop it
* it took a couple extra months
* they never got that extra money back


This is where I'm headed. My son graduates next month and remembering advice from this board several years ago I filed in January. Unfortunately the NJ already had me tied up in family court for alleged non-payments to which I cross-filed. The magistrate rolled all of the motions into a single package. January became February. February became April...next hearing is June...and I anticipate more. By the time it ends and the judge makes her findings it should be August. I may be the only dad paying CS for a 22 year-old.
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Re: Reaching the end - graduation - now what?

Unread postby nr552 » Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:38 pm

Don't feel bad... I am paying nearly $10k to my ex to have her just go away. $5500 is CS in arrears (with interest), the other ~$4500 was to get her to just quit arguing with me. $750 a month until April 7th, 2018. Currently CS is $zero... She has only 14% parenting time... I can go back @ any time and request CS from her... but I'd rather walk on broken glass dipped in gasoline that go back to court to deal with her.
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