Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

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Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby ForumVenter 1 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:06 pm

As many of you fathers with D's are aware, Beauty and the Beast comes out in a few weeks.

My D6 is off school on the day it comes out. So as a surprise to D, I planned on taking her to see the movie during the day. Also texting a few other parents, and inviting their daughters (3 of D's school friends) to join. We all pre-ordered the tickets last night and are all set.

I let D know the surprise once I got everyone's confirmations if they could go. She was extremely excited...though then she got sad. I asked her what was wrong. She said that on Ex's last visit up here (two weeks ago), her mom made her promise to wait and watch the movie with her when she goes there for Spring break (later this month). And so I asked her what she wanted to do, She said she wanted to do both. But she feels bad because her mom made her promise to see it with her first. And D said she will talk to her mom and ask if it is okay.

While I would argue that if it was truly important to Ex, she should have simply asked me directly if I would not take D to see a certain movie rather than putting a promise on the shoulders of a 6yr old.

Petty as this is, I don't know what I should do. I know if D mentions the possible alternative plan to Ex, Ex will make her feel terrible for breaking a promise. Experience wise: I'd say one phone call every two weeks ends with D crying because her mom makes her feel bad about something. The last one was because D lost a $60 ring that her moms mother-in-law got her for Christmas.

So should I send Ex a message on OFW to discuss the matter? Maybe just to pro-actively inform her of the situation. And in a subtle way, encourage Ex to let D know that it is okay to watch the movie with her friends.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby ForumVenter 1 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:19 pm

Sorry, follow up note...

I would say I could just cancel my whole plan and apologize to the parents, but D wants to go with her friends to see the movie.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:19 pm

While I would argue that if it was truly important to Ex, she should have simply asked me directly if I would not take D to see a certain movie rather than putting a promise on the shoulders of a 6yr old


I disagree. This is a situation that will come up plenty of times over the years and unless you want to run all your plans by the ex and have her run all hers by you....


There are a number of different ways to handle it but the ones I wouldnt suggest are making a big deal about it, pointing fingers of blame or attributing negative attributes to innocent oversights.

You didnt run your plans by mom first, did you?
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby ForumVenter 1 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:29 pm

Ex never runs her plans by me, and I don't expect to her to do so.

But making a 6yr old promise not do something, that they have no control over, is not a plan. When D goes to her moms on Spring Break, should I make her promise not to go to a playground while she is there? That's basically a tactic to keep someone else from having a plan.

I wouldn't be pointing the finger when I reach out to Ex. I'm just venting about my thoughts on here. More so, as I mentioned in my post, I want to inform her of the situation and basically cross my fingers that Ex doesn't make D feel terrible about it.

Or are you suggesting that I just move forward with my plan and let things fall where they may?
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:44 pm

You are putting a lot of emphasis on made her promise. It implies that the intent was that she should refuse to go watch it if her father takes her, while the intent could just as easily have been dont ask to see it so dad wont take you and we'll go see it together.

The intent isnt known and I wouldnt make a big deal out of it. It'll happen in the future again, for sure. You might want to talk to the ex about how the two of you will handle similar situations in the future, assuming the two of you can have a reasonable conversation. However, if you are not offering a balanced perspective I doubt the conversation will be very productive.


Take her if you want. Let mom take her if you want. As you said, its not up to the child to keep such promises and a reasonable person wouldnt expect them to. Maybe the worst that will happen is she sees the movie twice.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby afc » Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:45 pm

Has Disney princess stuff been a mother/daughter kind of thing previously?

I dont think there is anything you can do _now_ but in the future, I don't know...it might not hurt to just check first.

My girls and I went to opening night of every pixar thing. It was our deal. If my ex decided she would throw together a fun Wall-E party for the girls, knowing that this pixar thing with me and the girls was our tradition, I might have been ticked.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby ForumVenter 1 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:02 pm

afc wrote:Has Disney princess stuff been a mother/daughter kind of thing previously?


Not at all really. I mean she has a Frozen themed bedroom at her moms house and they watch the movies I'm sure.

I've taken D to Disney World. Have a Disney Cruise planned later this year. Been to Disney on Ice a few times, and take her to about every movie that comes out when she's with me. My mom is a pure Disney fanatic and most gifts she gives to her grandkids is "something" Disney. Ex is aware that my family and I are heavy on the Disney. Though it isn't my thought that her making this promise was to stick it to me for any reason.

FoF, I put emphasis on that because those were the words my D used. "Mom made me promise I would see it with her." I asked what she wanted to do. After she said both, I thought things were okay and let her know she gets to see it twice! But then she said her mom made her promise to see it with her first.

I don't believe her intent at all was to make D refuse to see it with me. Was just a dumb thing to make a 6yr old to promise.
Last edited by ForumVenter 1 on Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby afc » Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:04 pm

okay.

well, let me add to FoF. This isnt a big deal. Don't make it one. Stop thinking about this.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby ForumVenter 1 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:11 pm

I asketh, and I have been giveth.

Thanks guys. Just wasn't sure if there was anything I should do on my end to help the situation.

So to afc's point, I will wait to see how this situation unfolds and this will determine how I handle things in the future.
Last edited by ForumVenter 1 on Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
OH - Residential parent of D after a long distance move by Ex. If your child(ren) aren't a priority, you will have no chance at gaining custody.
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Re: Ex made D promise, should I discuss with Ex?

Unread postby gamingdad » Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:20 pm

As an adult, I refuse to see movies on opening weekends, with a few exceptions. Logan will be an exception. I have the ability to delay gratification a couple of weeks to avoid massive crowds which take away from the experience I have.
Making a 6 year old wait to see a movie that they are excited about is a < edited > move. It's about the kid.
I have my son this week so we are going to Logan.
If he was at his mom's and wanted to go, I would be fine, and take him again if he wanted.
By nature of divorce, parents don't always get to do things with their children like a traditional family does. Sometimes those special moments are only with one parent now.
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