Update

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Update

Unread postby big guy » Fri Feb 17, 2017 12:13 pm

It's been over a month since any interaction with the ex or her new husband. Graduation is coming up fast and I will be an empty nester.

I have been trying to be a bit more social as time goes on. It's not going well. I need to develop a thicker skin. The problem is the rejection still hurts but if you don't try, you don't succeed. I need to build the self-confidence back up. It's a long process to recover emotionally from divorce. I am still working on those things that I did that contributed to the downfall of my marriage.

It's good to wait to heal.
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Re: Update

Unread postby Havalu7 » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:18 pm

Don't let your heart be troubled big guy!

You will be fine. Keep being Superdad and Supergrandpa and everyone will see.

Don't let your emotions lead you, you lead them.

Ever had an unruly horse? Know why the bit is in the mouth and the horse goes where the head leads?

In fact I am told a horse won't or can't get up if you control it's head when it's down.

Hang in there brother. PM's also if you need additional support.
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Re: Update

Unread postby lionel2013 » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:07 pm

The problem is the rejection still hurts but if you don't try, you don't succeed. I need to build the self-confidence back up.


When was your divorce final? 2013? If so, you need to be doing something differently than you have so far, four years is a long time to still be reeling.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Update

Unread postby big guy » Fri Feb 17, 2017 6:09 pm

She left before Christmas 2012. Temporary custody hearing in 2014 which I lost. Divorce final in 2015 after a 2 day trial which i won custody.
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Re: Update

Unread postby Havalu7 » Sun Feb 19, 2017 11:55 am

big guy did my suggestion help? It has been working for me every time gloom creep starts coming on. Not saying 100% but I keep quoting 'Don't let your heart be troubled".

It doesn't have to have a spiritual tone to it if you just want to use it as a way to reign in those thoughts.

Trust me bro I think about my ex and what could have been, how fricking hot she is, why did this have to happen to me, and on and on. I then, just now, even just quoting these thoughts, have to pull the bit on my own emotions.

How are you doing?

You have a lot of good knowledge to help others (shoveling gravel). Perhaps as others have suggested you can help others and get the focus off of your sorry state of affairs (kidding that was more directed at me felling sorry for myself; humor get it).

You already are being Super to your kids and grand kids. Get them out and volunteer (eyes on folks in a lot worse situation than you).
Get on here more often and shovel shovel. You got full custody right? You can also use the stuff learned here from others posts to apply to the new guy. Hit the new poster with a few questions to keep them engaged. Hit the new poster with a secondary question if doc or one of the OG's already has engaged them and you think of an additional question to ask like (do you have a covert digital voice recorder running, or what are your parenting plans, etc etc.). For that matter just get on and welcome them, thank them for their service if they are a veteran, or praise them if you see they are doing something right from their first or second post.

Keep in mind that guys like myself will try to engage the new posters until one of the legal beagles or others with much more experience can engage them. I even sometime will post and then say "Havalu you always post the same simple stuff". But then remember that it may be that one simple post that could save a new guy. Everyone's effort is valuable and trust me if your post or suggestion is not good; or could be bad the other guys here know we are just volunteering and trying to help. Don't get spun up if someone comes back and says (This^ not so good advice and here is why;). If you make a bad or not so good suggestion no one is asking you to refund your highly paid volunteer salary; you just try to up your game and learn from others corrections, gentle or otherwise. We are a band of brothers trying to help kids and fathers which in turn help mothers too if they are not making wise decisions.

Big guy you have a lot to offer so turn that focus around on others here. YOU are already doing so for your kids and grand kids so expand your horizon and pick that shovel up.

One day the wet cleanup on aisle #3 will be your number being called out to assist in an area that you have some battle scars and wisdom in. Like hmmmmm getting your focus on what IS working and going well in your life and not what ISN'T?

Make sense brother? We value your participation here and I see much potential in a valuable fellow shoveler. (is that a real word?)

Laters HV7
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Re: Update

Unread postby Campfire » Mon Feb 20, 2017 12:13 am

big guy wrote:She left before Christmas 2012. Temporary custody hearing in 2014 which I lost. Divorce final in 2015 after a 2 day trial which i won custody.



Dude,

I'm with ya. Here's where we diverge: You don't need a woman to be happy. Why aren't you enjoying living this one life? Why aren't you pursuing that hobby? Why aren't you exploring new options that could result in a life long extracurricular?
The List: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divor ... hp?t=13374


The question is how much conflict you can control, negate, or avoid.
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Re: Update

Unread postby big guy » Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:11 am

It's easier to be around home by myself. The problem comes when I want to do other things: go out to eat, take in a movie, go out for a drink, or for a walk along the river front. Not fun when you are by yourself. So I'm concentrating on the things I do enjoy at home for now...at least until the weather warms up. My daughter is a busy girl and isn't home much right now.
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Re: Update

Unread postby lionel2013 » Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:08 pm

big guy wrote:It's easier to be around home by myself. The problem comes when I want to do other things: go out to eat, take in a movie, go out for a drink, or for a walk along the river front. Not fun when you are by yourself. So I'm concentrating on the things I do enjoy at home for now...at least until the weather warms up. My daughter is a busy girl and isn't home much right now.


I hear you, been through the same myself. I understand the "be yourself first and maybe remain single" advice very well, but reality is while it works very well for some men, it doesn't work so well [or at all] for others. I, like you, fall in the latter category, and felt the same way as you do after separation [she left July 2013]. I really, truly enjoyed my "me" time, but there was too much of it. Additionally, at my age, most other people including my own friends of all ages were married, so it was difficult to socialize with them. There's nothing one can do about that, because at the core, people don't change. So I think it is perfectly normal that you feel the way you do because that is the way you are: you need the company of a woman to be happy.

But another thing I can tell you is that as long as you don't come to peace with what's happened to yourself you will not have the mental and emotional state of mind to meet and start a relationship with another woman. You need to get over this, you need to understand she is gone and never coming back, and even if she were coming back clearly she was not the one for you, since she's the one who left. So focus on your kid to the extent possible, pursue your hobbies, work out, forget about your X, and prepare for your next relationship because life goes on for everybody -- for you, too. But the thing is, with all the therapies and venting to friends and everything else out there, you and only you can make that happen. In other words, you need to summon the will to overcome, from within. Looking back I realize how stupid I was to "mourn" my dead and rotten marriage when there are people all over this world who manage to overcome the loss of a child. That is worse than a divorce, that is the worst, yet they do it. I saw one of my co-workers go through that, a couple of years ago, and although I am sure it still saddens him, he didn't put a bullet through his head and he still comes to work every day.

Back to my story -- some 2.5 years after dear X filed I got married again, to a woman I had gone out with in college, then broken up with for no good reason, at the time [and regretted it], and whom I though was lost and gone forever. Still happily married, slowly but surely trying to re-build my life, and enjoying it as much as I can, with her. For me it is not a do-over because she and most of everything else is different than it was with X, it is a brand new start.

And I think that is what you, too, need. But in order to get there you need to cowboy up and put the life with your X behind you. The sooner, the better for you.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Update

Unread postby big guy » Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:14 pm

So today the ex or rather the new husband started the email tirade again. He demanded weeks ago that i have no communication with them again or that he would take steps to make me stop. I have enough for a restraining order on him now, but I don't need that kind of headache in my life this close to a graduation party that they have already threatened not to attend.

The bank still has her name on a mortgage that I am paying off and they will not remove her name from the loan right now.
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Re: Update

Unread postby lionel2013 » Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:35 pm

big guy wrote:So today the ex or rather the new husband started the email tirade again. He demanded weeks ago that i have no communication with them again or that he would take steps to make me stop. I have enough for a restraining order on him now, but I don't need that kind of headache in my life this close to a graduation party that they have already threatened not to attend.

The bank still has her name on a mortgage that I am paying off and they will not remove her name from the loan right now.


I don't understand.

Why do you get worked up about your X' new husband? Ignore his e-mails.

I'm confused: they (your X and her husband) have threatened not to attend your daughter's graduation party? And that is a problem for you, why??

The bank won't remove her name off a mortgage absent a refi, or a sale -- so you need to get used to that. If the house is your exclusive residence it doesn't matter anyway, you need to pay the mortgage to have a place to stay, right? Why do you care your X's name is still on the mortgage? She should be the one to be upset, not you ...
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