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Re: Mom telling kids to lie to me,and other parental alienat

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2017 4:53 pm
by iamthedad
I'm dealing with an ex who lies. I mean *all* the time. She lies so much I sincerely doubt she fully remembers the truth, about me, about her first husband, and about members of her family. She lies to the kids and instructs them to lie to me. She did all she could do to create a false reality, and I allowed it to continue to the point where it truly became a problem, particularly after we were legally separated and I began to get access to my kids without her present. The custody evaluator saw it, noted it, and recommended the court reconsider some things if it continued, and that time is coming.

I keep it real with the kids. I have had numerous discussions with them about the value of the truth, and I have given them ample real-world examples, just as my grandpa did for me when I was a kid.

They're going to lie. It's our job to parent around these lies, and it can be done. I might be guilty of saying more that should have been said, particularly early on, but my approach softened as time went on and as I began to see that my kids were understanding - I needed to see that *they* saw it too, and they do.

I'm 100% on board with Minerva, and even Bart, although his approach isn't always from a place of compassion and rather the obtuse edges of the law, but his point is valid nonetheless.

Re: Mom telling kids to lie to me,and other parental alienat

Unread postPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:48 pm
by Havalu7
From my experience Bart (the great one) offers no rainbows and unicorns to guide you to the facts. You either see them or you soon will, or don't.

MANY of us here have thought better to toughen up our skin and soak up all of the strategy given here.

I am glad OP that you have chosen to do so as well. This post might be more for the boot or newbie reading here so as to preempt any "hurt feelings" like I had initially (and occasionally STILL find my emotions trying to wander into that dangerous area before I jerk the bit in my own mouth and take control of my emotions via my spirit).

OP you have some great input on your thread and looks like you are trying to morph from that initial "woe is me" and "I can't stand her doing this and that" (as Minerva mentioned and you acknowledged).

Remember if its outside of your personal hula hoop you can not control it. It took me a long time and a better part of a 6 year bad marriage and divorce process to recognize how I deal with what others are doing, realizing people are going to do what they are going to do; and I cant control it. I hate to beat a dead unicorn here but it is a hard but crucial lesson to learn in all areas of life. See AL ANON and/or Smart Recovery for help and guidance for this.

Good job on soaking up the wisdom and strategy offered here. One day you too can become a highly paid volunteer here; pick up your shovel for loads of gravel; and even offer lavish gifts to folks whom choose to exit via the gift shop :roll: EDIT: I see you have been here for awhile too so you may have already been shoveling so pardon mua'.

Hang in there the finish line is in sight for you and others reading this and other posts. Wait that's almost rainbow and unicorn....