The transition

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

The transition

Unread postby Optimist630 » Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:38 pm

My first post in the after divorce area...

It isn't final yet but it won't be long. I secured a 50-50 arrangement, 2-3-2 with D5. I have secured a nice home nearby. Now for the hard part. She has 3 half siblings. I know I have an uphill battle at the beginning. It will be very different just being with me. Any advice? Besides sticking with it, which I will do. It being hard will not result in me forfeiting what I have fought for. I have talked to mom at length about our roles in encouraging D5 to enjoy her tims at both places.

I can give what she cannot get at mom's, undivided attention. It will also help that even onmom's days the bus comes to me so we get bonus time together (and she simply stays with me on my night, rather than an exchange.

I have been told to provide normal and consistency. Kids gravitate to it.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby Outis » Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:42 pm

Basically what you said, sticking to it. Get into that schedule and routine, and build some positive habits.

A point of emphasis from Bart has always been holiday routines - establishing new traditions.

There's an adjustment period. Be consistent, have fun, enjoy. She'll take a lot of cues from you; don't make anything a big deal.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby Minerva » Fri Feb 24, 2017 3:53 pm

You also provide something that no one else can........her dad.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby massdad1234 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:38 pm

the only way you eat a whale is one bite at a time. Keep your head up and moving forward, not just for yourself, but your kid.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby jumanji » Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:07 pm

You also have an ideal situation for play dates!

Now... some parents may have an issue with sending their daughter to spend a few hours around a man they don't know. So get to know them! Invite them to join you at the playground, invite them for a cookout, etc. Let them get to know you as just another of their daughter's friend's parents.

And don't think some parents are just weird about Dad's... I had a parent bar her kid from my house if my son were home. I just barred her from my home. (p.s. I'm a mom...)
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Re: The transition

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:12 pm

Now... some parents may have an issue with sending their daughter to spend a few hours around a man they don't know.


Pro tip'*If that's their starting point, you don't want them in your home.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby Optimist630 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 8:13 pm

Well, a few weeks in and D5 is doing better than I'd have guessed. She gets confused by the schedule though. More issues with ex than child of course. She passed us on a walk on her way home and stopped and got out. Just to go through the "one more hug mommy!" Routine. I was fuming but stayed cool. I texted that it was confusing to the child. The child in her late 30s didn't get it. This was like 10 days into our new lives. Unacceptable.

The hardest thing for me is that D5 seems more concerned about going to mom's house than coming here. Likely because mom has the marital home and half siblings, and is spoiling them out of guilt. I am just providing normal and "spoiling" with attention. Oh and not budging an inch regarding my parenting time. Ex finds it annoying that I'd pull her away on Sunday night to have her come to me. Then she feeds into the child's sadness. D5 does great when here though. I do get annoyed at her Facetime requests but I understand it.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 9:00 pm

It is going to take some time to fully disconnect. Don't worry about what you think your D is thinking. All that matters is she is spending time with her dad, the rest is details, never loose sight of that.

It seems you still have some anger towards your ex, take some time and process that and work to disconnect. You are also texting to much. Do yourself a favor and take this forum's advice. For now, give your communication with your ex time to breathe. Don't fall into the immediate trap. Otherwise take it day by day.

Great job and your kid is probably doing just fine, so let that stuff go.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby Optimist630 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 9:46 pm

Thanks. You are correct on all fronts. I have waves of anger that I want to go away. I am mostly mad at myself for involving myself with her. But I wouldnt have my daughter so those thoughts are useless. I think seeing my girl confused and dealing with more than she should have to, it makes me mad because I tried to avoid it but my effort was never matched. But thoughts of that nature are looking backward not forward. Not good.

I am looking for outlets. I am trying to be busy when I don't have my daughter.

Disconnect is the key word. I have been way too available to her for way too long.

I focused on the end game with the divorce so I need to just do it again. I need to cut some ties. First step is to realize it. Now to execute it. Goal-based behavior got me here. Time for new goals.
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Re: The transition

Unread postby jumanji » Tue Mar 14, 2017 6:05 am

Fatheroffour wrote:
Now... some parents may have an issue with sending their daughter to spend a few hours around a man they don't know.


Pro tip'*If that's their starting point, you don't want them in your home.


However, and perhaps I should have been more generic, many parents have an issue leaving their child (regardless of gender) with an adult (regardless of gender) who they do not know.

Unless the crazy is clear (*) get to know the parents, at least casually. Eventually, they will reciprocate the invite. You want to know who you're leaving your child with, too.

(*) I had one mother who insisted my son not be in the house if her daughter came for a play date with my daughter. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Buh-bye!
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