My Son's Grades

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My Son's Grades

Unread postby monte_carlo » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:04 am

Hey folks, I'm sort of a new member here but I have followed a few member's cases with great interest.

I got divorced 7 years ago, and since we agreed to 50/50 it was the fastest divorce ever - less than 2 months. I am single and my ex remarried about 5 years ago. So everything has been great until recently: our son, who's now 15 was an honor student and almost an A student, but this year his grades went down to Cs and Ds. Me and his mom are involved differently in his academic activities. Let's say that she looks at his ongoing performance from more of an art point of view, while I'm more strict with show me ongoing progress attitude. She's a psychiatrist and I'm a mathematician.

When his grades went down I established a sort of a punishment procedure for him - for every missed homework, I'd turn off the wifi in the house for a day, unless he needs the Internet to do his homework. I stopped doing this after 4-5 months as it's not working. He tells me that his mother doesn't "force" (his words) to do his homework, nor she checks his grades, and if I keep "punishing" him (again, his words), he will refuse to study and not get good grades altogether.

Maybe this is normal for teenagers, but I'm not sure how to handle this as I've never had anyone tell me "if you force me to get good grades, I wont do it at all" Also, it could be that I'm wrong, but I suspect his mother is supporting his be yourself attitude and don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Any help would be appreciated, as I have the feeling it would only get worse.
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:10 am

He's smoking weed. Have him <urine> in a cup - watch his reaction.
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby monte_carlo » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:14 am

BartSimpson wrote:He's smoking weed. Have him <urine> in a cup - watch his reaction.


I believe me and his mom are doing a great job educating him about drugs - that started when we were still together. But, you are not far off - it's not weed, it's internet addiction - he's on his iPod/iPad 24/7 like most kids these days.
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:19 am

Nancy Reagan would be proud of you and mom, teaching your kid to just say no.

Now, get one of those red dixie cups, wake him up, march him into the bathroom with the first light of the morning. Watch him pee in the cup.

If he laughs it off, and thinks it's funny, cool. I'm betting he protests very loudly.
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby monte_carlo » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:27 am

BartSimpson wrote:Nancy Reagan would be proud of you and mom, teaching your kid to just say no.

Now, get one of those red dixie cups, wake him up, march him into the bathroom with the first light of the morning. Watch him pee in the cup.

If he laughs it off, and thinks it's funny, cool. I'm betting he protests very loudly.


My ex's family is one that never drank/smoked or did drugs, and I had a relative who OD'd in his 20s... so I'm pretty sure my son is not smoking weed. That smoke stays in your clothes right? We haven't noticed anything.

You're probably right that he'll protest. To be honest I'm hesitant to do it because I'll show that I distrust him and am being even more "forceful". Remember, he's accusing me of "forcing him" to do things and refusing to comply solely on that ground.

Please elaborate on the actions in the case he refuses... or agrees - how do I handle the original problem?
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby afc » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:47 am

Then talk to him about what he will do when he becomes a man.
"I always anticipated you would go to a four year university after high school. However, if your grades keep going the way they are that is just not in the cards. We need to talk about your career options once you hit 18. You will no longer be allowed to be on my insurance and you will need to provide for yourself. If you live here, I will need rent. How about we research military, trade schools, apprenticeships, job corps, etc? If you dont want to go to a 4 year university I cannot make you but you will be a man at 18 and will need to be able to provide for yourself"
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:47 am

You should educate yourself on the use of cannabis. Edibles and vaporizers, for example, leave no odor.

Sudden change in grades for a 15 year old boy . . . and you think he's in charge. Oh dear, what if he accuses you of using persuasion, and he thinks you don't trust him? He's using cannabis.

The single most dangerous animal on the planet is:
1. Great White Sharks in the ocean?
2. Hungry Lions in the Jungle?
3. Mean Crocodiles in Florida?
4. The Juvenile Male Homo Sapien next door?

You should read Before It's Too Late, by Dr. Stanton Samenow.
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby monte_carlo » Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:01 pm

I'm afraid I misconveyed what my most pressing concern was. I'm pretty sure that when he's with me he's not doing drugs. He's going to a pretty good school and comes home straight with the bus. I can't speak of when he's with his mother but I know she'd be all over him if she detects something.

My biggest concern was our difference of opinion when it came to his academic performance - I'm not OK with his grades going down, and his mom is fine with him being the way he is. Furthermore, she encourages him to be himself.

I have talked to him about college and importance of the GPA, and I shall continue to do so. Thanks for your example, afc.
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby afc » Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:08 pm

Not all kids are made for college and not all even want to go. Make sure youre not making him live your wants and not his.

Mechanics, plumbers, electricians, - all good, skilled careers that people need. Ever see what a good plumber pulls down? Ever get a bill for a plumber on a weekend night?
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Re: My Son's Grades

Unread postby BartSimpson » Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:21 pm

What you describe is a difference in parenting style, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Sure glad you have ruled out any possibility of cannabis with a 15 year old boy whose grades and attitude suddenly took a nose dive.
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