Last bombshell for a while I hope.

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Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby tacticalhammer » Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:41 am

So Ive waited to post till I had some time to reflect and I went to see my councilor again after months of not needing her. Just as I thought I was doing better and started to put the pieces back together the ex twisted the knife one more time.

I was told by her earlier this week that her and her BF that she's been with less than a year have gotten married. The ink is barley dry on the divorce paperwork. she told me out of "respect". I'm laughing partially because I think they are both complete psychopaths and narcissist. but I'm also shocked that she's so completely irresponsible and disrespectful. I honesty feel like just as the dust starts to settle its one more thing.

I know I shouldn't concern myself with her personal life but to introduce a "stepdad" to our daughter so soon I find to be irresponsible. How could you possibly know someone well enough in less than a year?

I guess I'm not looking for answers, there's no point anymore. just venting a little.

Just focus on my daughter and wait for the next bomb to drop. (probably moving to another state next).

Anyways, happy week to you guys.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby BartSimpson » Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:52 am

You know that legally, there is no such thing as a "step-dad". It's an invention, a social construct, a pseudo-honorific. It need not be used.

It always troubles me that a Dad, the very target in the slur "step-dad", would ever use that term. Stricken it from your language, correct it when others use it, assure your child there is one-and-only Dad.

His name is (first name here), he is the mother's husband. He is a legal stranger to the child and should not be granted any use of terms related to paternity, no matter what adjective precedes it.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby Phoenix853 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 11:37 am

I don't believe it could of been said any better.

Time will be your cure for the caring of her business. How long that is depends on the person. Give yourself the time to find hobbies, rebuild your life, and time to start living your life as you want to live.

I like others spend time here helping shovel the mud and there's always room for one more. Welcome.

Stay active and focus on you and your Kiddo(s)

You'll be okay
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 12:03 pm

Repeat after me - this too shall pass.

You need to stop caring about what you have no control over. Think of it as disconnecting lots and lots of cables connected between yourself and your ex. Those pathways never need to be traveled again unless it deals with your child. She knows she can get you all wrapped around the axel every time. Do you really think this dude is going to be in the picture in 2-3 years? For all the reasons it is recommended on this forum to abstain from dating and getting involved with another women is the exact reason why that will never work out. Regardless, WHO THE FLIP CARES WHAT SHE DOES? Unless she is physically harming your child, don't waste time/energy in giving her rent free space in your head.

Take this year and do some soul searching. Become the person you have always wanted to be. Here is the thing, chances are there is no real harm/threat posed to your child from your mother remarrying. However, if you remain toxic and all twisted up inside, that absolutely will affect your child and their relationship with you and men moving forward. Is the ex worth that?

I'm rooting for you, but she has boardwalk and park place real estate in your mind right now. You are either lying to yourself and believe you have it handled or don't have anyone in your support system to call you on it.

Stop waiting for a "bomb to drop" and start living YOUR life. Let her liver her as she chooses, its none of your business.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby tacticalhammer » Thu Jan 26, 2017 12:26 pm

Frankly I'm tired. every time the pieces start to come together again for me its just one more thing. I just found out the same day that I was getting money BACK from my lawyer! how often does that happen? I started replacing the things I lost in the divorce, started house shopping, all was going well. then this. I'm not lying to myself, it did hurt. Made me realize how much of our relationship was just a lie. she used me till she found no more uses for me then moved on to the next. yeah that's painful.

When I say I'm waiting for the next bomb to drop its because every time I say "she's not that stupid", I'm proven wrong. Every time I picture what's the worst thing she could do next? "nope she's not that dumb" then boom she does it. So I feel like I'm never going to be able to relax, I'm always going to have to be on point forever. The next worse thing she could do is move away and try and take my child with her. "nope she's not that dumb". so I know that's probably coming next.

My lawyer just withdrew and now I'm going to probably have to keep 10k on tap for the next 15 years just in case. money I could use to help move on with my life, make the healing easier.

and I am deep down concerned about my daughter and her well being. I hardly know this guy and frankly after less then a year she doesn't know him well either. and now my daughter is living with these to nut jobs half the time. I really don't know who either of these people are and now my daughters with them.

It sucks.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby afc » Thu Jan 26, 2017 12:31 pm

You dont really know lots of people your child interacts with.

Friends parents, teachers, etc. And that level of not knowing only goes up as the kid gets older.

If you start to make yourself crazy because of that, it will never end.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 1:02 pm

It takes at least a year for the pieces to go back together.

If it makes you feel any better, she will do to this guy what she did to you, it is only a matter of time. When that relationship ends be prepared for the sling back, hopefully your pieces will be together again and you can just laugh at her.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 1:36 pm

Time to man up dad, you need to be the best you can be for your daughter, not the sky is falling waiting on egg shells for the EX to do something you MIGHT freak out about.

It seems like the only thing that has really been damaged is your ego and that probably stings the most. I get the impression you never in a million years thought this could happen to you?

Listen, my STBX is banging a married dude, so what? I don't want to be with her anymore and the fact that your ex has moved on shows she doesn't want to be with you. Sucks, trust me I'm there, but the time to figure that out has passed. You can continue to trip on things behind you or face front and live the rest of your life on your terms. You are divorced, i'm assuming you have an agreeable parenting plan with your child and your health. Stop looking at the glass as half empty.

You spend a lot of time thinking about the ex, how are you going to change that? When people talk about not disturbing your peace in that first year, your first order of business is to stop thinking about what the ex thinks about things, why she does things the way she does, all of it. She is no longer any of your concern and you can't control things you have no control over, so stop poising yourself and by extension, your child.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby lovingfatherof2 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 1:49 pm

My ex is banging a dude 20 years older than her and he looks like the real life Shrek. The resemblance is uncanny.

Eh, he will just be another casualty of a hypergamous modern day American female.
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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Jan 26, 2017 2:17 pm

Tact - you need to let this sink in - your ex probably hates you, has for some time and nothing you will say to her will change that. Why waste time/energy on someone, where no matter what you do, will always twist the narrative around to suit her?

Start loving yourself, being comfortable in your own skin and being the person you wanted to be. You need to accept that your flaws in personality is what attracted a female like your ex, if you don't change yourself and your thinking, why wouldn't you attract the same types in the future?

Get to a point where you love your life with you and your daughter, you only talk to your ex around kid issues - legit ones, not the ones she uses to entangle you, and let that go on for a year or so.

Repeat after me - this too shall pass. Get off the flippin ledge and man up!
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