Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby tacticalhammer » Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:56 pm

lovingfatherof2 wrote:First marriages are like playing Russian roulette with 3 rounds in the chamber.
2nd marriage 4 rounds.
3rd marriage 5 rounds.
4th marriage, you aren't playing Russian roulette anymore, it's just called suicide.



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Re: Last bombshell for a while I hope.

Unread postby letgoandletgod » Sat Jan 28, 2017 1:55 am

If you read my threads you will see I'm experiencing the same thing, perhaps even more foul since she had an affair, introduced her partner to my son (as a "friend") while I was still living in the same house and still married to her, to not sugar-coat it, it was traumatic, emotionally speaking, I was still in love, cause that's what we do, we know the meaning of the word love. He moved in with her about 2 months after our divorce was official, she started calling him our son's stepdad about 1 month after that move in, told me she was pregnant about 2 weeks ago, tells me she's getting married a week after that and that our son is going to be part of the ceremony. SO believe me I know what it's like.
I too had that feeling of, is there any more? When can I start like, expecting some kind of steady living.
It does hurt brother. At first I was like, whatever I don't care. After coming this far I'm like, I been through worse, but after some time it hit me. That's still the woman I spent 8 years with. So of course, it's gonna sting a bit.
Going through the emotions is what helps, don't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't matter if she was a nasty human being,
feeling sad about it for a while just means you got a good heart beating inside there.
I realized it was my ego that was afraid to admit to myself that it made me a bit sad.
I thought how I could I shed any more tears for this woman I thought I knew, but I had to.
Talk therapy has helped me, also having a few friends that give me words of encouragement and seeking comfort
during the hard times has been big in my healing.
You absolutely must take care of yourself, spoil yourself, treat yourself to things you like, remind yourself that it IS going to get better.
It feels crappy because marriage is like the final nail in the coffin.
I too have had those feelings of, what is she teaching my son by doing this?
At the end of the day, it is what it is, and it will be what we make of it.
So what will we make of this?
It's not happening TO us, it's just happening, but it does affect us, we are human after all.
I think we shouldn't forget how it ended, because it's easy to forget that and only see the old ex, the one you had the good times with, the one that made you feel special. Remember the one who hurt you, who broke the vows, who loved conditionally. That person doesn't know the meaning of the word commitment, and there they go again to the altar.

Sorry for the long post but this hits home and if I could help in any way to anyone going through it, then I'm glad I have.
Don't isolate yourself, find ways to be around people if you can when you're going through this, it helps a lot. Sometimes the feeling of being alone on top of the BS that's thrown at us can be a nasty mix and will leave you thinking about this stuff more than you should be.
It will get easier. He's not the father of your child, he never will be. He's auditioning right now for Mr. Right, and he got the role. The kids will piece it together as they get older, they may think wow, why the heck was that person in my life so soon?
I have talks with my son about thinking critically, not believing everything he hears, reassuring him that I love him unconditionally and if anyone says otherwise it's a lie. I teach him what matters in this life and what not to take for granted.
We can equip them with the tools that will help them in the long run, especially in this kind of situation.
Train them to recognize when someone doesn't have their best interest at heart, in a way that will help them and not hurt them.
I never speak badly of the new man, I leave it be, I am polite to him and have forgiven him, but will not leave room to be vulnerable to his actions or her actions. Keep yourself covered, have faith that your child will be ok because super-dad is always there for them and TRUST that once they walk out the door and are off to mom's, that they will be alright.
If you ever have a reason to not think they are ok, then step in, but don't create worries in your mind about the what-if's, I've done that and it took a toll on me. Secure whatever you can in your child's life and be the best role model you can be for them, because mom isn't going to fill those shoes. And last but not least try to let go, it is a process not a one-shot deal, keep at it, better days are around the corner.
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