Ex is living it up

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Dec 28, 2016 9:25 am

Your words, you monitor her activities. You appear to bring this grief upon yourself.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby irving86 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 10:45 am

I've moved on past the grief as I don't need the ulcers. I would just like to not have to pay her half my paycheck so that I may be able to retire someday. I'm mainly curious if it is even worth pursuing or not. I do bring in less income than when the divorce happened and she now brings in a bit more income. This alone would be enough to modify what I would need to pay her. I do believe that Colorado allows maintenance to be modified if incomes shift enough to where the difference in maintenance payments would be 10% or more.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:12 am

Wife shall receive spousal maintenance in the mount of $4,000 per month beginning August 1, 2015 and ending August of 2020. Wife shall then receive spousal maintenance in the amount of $3,750 per month beginning September 1, 2020 and ending August 31, 2025. Thereafter, Wife shall receive spousal maintenance in the amount of $3,200 per month beginning September 1, 2025. Spousal maintenance shall be modifiable and shall terminate upon either parties' death or Petitioner's/Wife's remarriage pursuant to CRS 14-10-122.


Unfortunately you cannot hope for a judge to hear a motion for modification until you can show a change in your circumstances. Meaning, if or when you are forced, through no fault of your own, to accept a lower pay (e.g., because of layoffs or disability) - which, obviously, is not something anyone would wish upon himself.

I completely symphatize with you because my financial influx and obligations have been more or less the same since my divorce was final ... except that mine will end in less than two years, then will go down to simple CS for one child who will be 14 at that time. The problem is that you screwed yourself big time when you accepted those terms and now there is really nothing you can do about it short of the circumstances mentioned above.

What was the length of your marriage?

And Bart is right, if I were you I'd stop following X on FB. My X unfriended me shortly after she moved out, and that was a great thing for both of us.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:23 am

Stalking your x is very unhealthy for you, creepy for your x, and even creepier for your kids if they ever sniff out your weird behaviors.

Hate to say it, but your x is probably not so stupid as to make it easy for you to prove she is cohabitating as in a (pseudo-)marital relationship, which is typically required in states where such things can be used to alter court orders.

IOW you're wasting your time, eroding your own quality of life, and setting a poor example to your kids. Don;t let your friends know you do this either.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby BartSimpson » Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:23 am

First, you can not identify a sufficient change in your circumstance to modify the spousal support. You signed an agreement, and you should have rationally understood that she may benefit from the support of her friends and family after the divorce. If you failed to recognize this condition would exist, then you had your head buried in the sand about what happens after a divorce.

Second, this is what you agreed to give her - you presumably pay this money so as to not have gone to trial, or avoiding some other fear you had at the time of the agreement. It's reasonable support for Colorado, which if you didn't know, is likely the worst in the US for spousal support payments. Sorry, maybe your next divorce will be in Texas and this won't be a problem.

You are parsing what I am trying to get across to you about spying on the ex - and you are spying on her by your own admission - so let me explain it is simplistic terms.

You are giving her entirely too much space inside your brain rent free.

You are acquiring information that you can do absolutely nothing about, and weighting that information with too much value because of the means you acquired the information. It matters not if your ex wife is dating a millionaire, or her family is giving her gifts, you made this agreement to pay her. Ruminating on how much better she has it is going to put you in an early grave.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby irving86 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:29 am

lionel2013 wrote:
Unfortunately you cannot hope for a judge to hear a motion for modification until you can show a change in your circumstances. Meaning, if or when you are forced, through no fault of your own, to accept a lower pay (e.g., because of layoffs or disability) - which, obviously, is not something anyone would wish upon himself.

I completely symphatize with you because my financial influx and obligations have been more or less the same since my divorce was final ... except that mine will end in less than two years, then will go down to simple CS for one child who will be 14 at that time. The problem is that you screwed yourself big time when you accepted those terms and now there is really nothing you can do about it short of the circumstances mentioned above.

What was the length of your marriage?

And Bart is right, if I were you I'd stop following X on FB. My X unfriended me shortly after she moved out, and that was a great thing for both of us.


Married for 22 years. Hopefully after 10 years I can go to court to see if I can get things terminated.

Agreed that I should not stock my ex on FB, but when she tried to move with my minor son and not tell me about, FB was the only way I could find out.

But I would think that her bringing in $240k (minus what I have to send her) plus about a 10% cut in my pay this year would be enough to modify. Probably wishful thinking on my part.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby Fatheroffour » Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:31 am

Won't know for sure unless you try.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 12:06 pm

But I would think that her bringing in $240k (minus what I have to send her) plus about a 10% cut in my pay this year would be enough to modify. Probably wishful thinking on my part.


Irving, once again I feel very bad for you because I've been feeling very bad for myself, for the same reasons. However, fortunately, nowadays that is happening much less than before, because now I see the end of the tunnel - on Jan 1st I'll be able to say "my alimony obligations will end next year", and at that time, after paying alimony for almost four years including under temporary orders, and after avoiding getting laid off earlier this year, I am sure it will feel very, very good.

That being said you don't seem to grasp what I and others have told you. It is unfair and absurd, by most measures, that you will be on the hook for that much while your X is in a much better situation, but since you agreed to that in your MSA no judge will change that - not now, not in five years, not in 10 years, unless your situation (not your X') changes substantially. I understand your logic here but once papers are filed in court, and especially after final orders are entered, it stops being about logic. I remember distinctly having had to agree to the same terms - i.e., that I renounce my rights to alimony from X forever and ever, for any reason. At that time nobody involved saw that as a distinct possibility, meaning, neither the judge or the two attorneys, or me, could conceive of a scenario where my X would make close to what I make, let alone much more than what I make, so much so that she would have to pay me, and for that reason I was OK with that. But, note that even if I had not been OK with that courts insist on this provision in MSAs because otherwise they would be overwhelmed with petitioners trying to re-negotiate or re-litigate their cases because of situations just like yours. I also remember distinctly asking my lawyer if I still would have to pay my X alimony if, for example, she won the lottery to the tune of, say $10m, something big. She told me "yes". There's nothing logic or fair about that, but that's the way it is.

For whatever reason it seems you didn't understand the implications and possibilities arising from your settlement in the future, and now it is eating you inside. I know it is very difficult but please try to accept it as a fait accompli, because otherwise the only one suffering will be you, and there is no recourse as long as you make as much money as you make. All you can hope for is that, going against logic, your X will re-marry at some point, in which case yes, your obligations can and should end (but still, you will need to initiate action - it won't happen automatically). You would think that is unlikely, that it would be stupid of her to do it, but talking to some people I learned of real cases when this actually happened. That's about all you can hope for, unless you hate her so much you want her to die tomorrow.
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby irving86 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 12:17 pm

Thanks for the reply lionel (and everyone else). This certainly clears things up for better or worse. I was hoping for better news, but it is what it is for now. Let's hope she gets remarried soon. :)
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Re: Ex is living it up

Unread postby Trevor » Wed Dec 28, 2016 12:28 pm

No, let's hope you focus on the right things instead. That will be much more impactful in your present life, and if done well, your future and the wisdom you can thereby impart to your kids.
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