After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Your divorce and child custody agreements are final, get practical tips for moving on with your life after divorce.

Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby scoobydo » Sun Apr 19, 2009 8:01 pm

NIce post man, this should be a must read for everyone going through the crap. Guys like you help guys like us. You got the strength.

Now I have to get back to the trenches, next tuesday is my day, I will let everyone know what happened.

scoob
"I will be back!!!!!!!!"
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby ADad » Sun Apr 19, 2009 8:30 pm

Excellent post!!

All are very good points and I'm not at all trying to lessen the importance of any of them...

#1, #10 and #12

1 and 12 speak for themselves.

10, I found, really helped me see things for they what they were and gave me more true hope than anything else. Once I could see things in "black and white" it all made sense. I am the better parent, I am not the psycho I've been labeled as, etc. I was diligent at this...a daily journal and a spread sheet with charts and graphs. I even colored her numbers red for evil and mine green for good 8 ) and was ready to wow the judge...never got that far, but to this day I still keep a journal, although it's a weekly recap now.
To be in your child's memories tomorrow...
you have to be in their lives today.
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby Jehr » Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:15 am

Great post, and a great thread. That's what this site can always use more of: lessons learned from Dads detailing their successes and failures and what they'd do different.
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby FORmyBOY » Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:34 am

Thanks for this Bullitt.

I added a link to this in the lessons learned section in Before and After, found here... http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=29374
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby Bullitt007 » Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:45 am

Thanks for the kind words. It's the least I could do.

On another note, I found a special someone soon after I was divorced...

Once my divorce was final, I decided to try the dating thing. Boy, is dating different at 42 as opposed to 22! I prayed long and hard for a woman who would love me as much as I love her as well as a woman who was very family oriented. I specifically was looking to only date if the relationship had long-term potential. I ended up going out on 4 or 5 first dates...great women but I just didn't have that "this is the woman of my dreams" feeling. I definately could have just dated around, but at 42, I know who I am and what I'm looking for, so I just kept looking.

Well, along comes Shelly, a 38 year-old school teacher who has been divorced for 3 years. (was married 14 years) She also has been through so much...we have very similar stories and it was an instant connection. We chatted/emailed for a month before finally meeting. I had previously talked to both of my daughters about dating and was very open with them about dating from the beginning. We dated for a month or so before introducing the girls to her. That too went extremely well. She lives only 5 minutes from me and we started spending nearly every evening together. Well, one thing led to another and I proposed to her recently. My girls wanted to be there and I reluctantly agreed. It went perfect and I, along with Shelly, was very glad that the girls were there. (I proposed on the top of Pikes Peak)

Well, we'll be married on 20 Jun of this year. Her house is now up for sale and she'll be moving in with us after the wedding. She's everything that I was looking for in a woman and I'm looking forward to the future with her. She doesn't have any children so a lot of her time is focused on my girls...they love her and she loves them...I honestly couldn't be happier!
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby Bullitt007 » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:20 am

chambely1,

I appreciate your concern, I truly do.

I have always known who I am and to this very day, am firm in my beliefs in my faith and my family. I am very secure as a dad and I am confident in saying that I know the meaning and purpose in life.

My faith has gotten me through thusfar and I will always rely on my faith to guide me in the future.

It's also important to point out that we go to the same church and we have taken a lengthy pre-marital class. We both are firm in our beliefs in God and have grown closer together as a couple as well.

I won't argue the fact that I'm getting married quickly, but I honestly do feel that it's not too quick. I will point out that I have friends who have been and some that still are divorced. They've dated for years and are still looking for what I already have. How does waiting for 5 years make it any better? I know many who waited and are no better off than others who didn't wait. To me, it's not the timing, but more the person. If I wasn't ready to commit, then I definately wouldn't have started to date.
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby Jehr » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:29 am

The generic advice that I would give anyone no matter the rest of the circumstances would be to live with someone for at least a year before deciding on whether getting married is the best step or not. If I could do everything in my marraige again, that's the one thing I would have done differently with my ex. Had I lived with her a year first, I wouldn't have married her. 5 months is kind of rushing it, but that would be mitigated by living together first for a year. If you still want to get married after a year of living together, then you know you've made the right decision.

If you want to look at it from a practical, non-emotional standpoint, then look at it like this: What are the risks and benefits of marrying now? The risks are you bring someone into your kids lives without knowing how the dynamic is going to work when you live together. The pros of getting married right away instead of later after living together are slim if anything. The risks of waiting a year are nil. The pros is you can be more sure you're doing the right thing, or you realize that it's not meant to be before making a mistake.

If she's the right woman for you, she'll be there for you no matter when you want to get married.

Just my $0.02 worth.
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Re: After The Divorce...Things I Learned

Unread postby Bullitt007 » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:43 am

Jehr, good points, however statistics don't back up your claim. Research studies overwhelmingly show that couples are more likely to be divorced if they live together before marriage. (46% more likely) You can't argue those facts.

Also, I would never live with someone without being married first. Not only does that go against my religious beliefs, but also sets a poor example for my daughters.

I truly do appreciate the concern out there...I can see how it looks from the outside. Yes, it's a good argument either way...but I guess only time will tell who's right or wrong. :D
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