Looking at a divorce...

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Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby PerniciousLord » Thu Jan 04, 2018 9:12 pm

I'm going through a really rough situation right now, and I don't really know what to do. My wife and I have been together for five years come this February, we've been married four years as of last October. She claims that I've emotionally abused her throughout pretty much our entire relationship, which I just don't see. I've always been there to support her, both emotionally and financially. She hasn't had to work since shortly after we were married. She stayed at home with my stepson, then my son came along, and then finally my daughter. Back in August of 2016, I found out she was talking/flirting with a guy from Oregon, we live in Missouri, and he had been sending her pictures and the like. I found out about this because one night I heard her telling someone she loved them. When I confronted her, that's when I found the pictures on her phone and stuff. She said this was prompted by "emotional abuse and lack of attention." This was the first time she had really ever said anything major was wrong with our relationship. Before then I felt like we had a normal relationship. I mean, we had been through a few hardships, like having two miscarriages prior to my son being born in may of 2015. Once she was pregnant with him, she had kicked me out of our bedroom, and we've not slept in the same bed since. Now things are to the point where she says she is tired of trying, despite me never seeing any effort out of her to work on our relationship. I had recently gotten us into marriage counseling, despite her reservations due to her not wanting "anyone to analyze her head, and possibly put her back on meds." Then just recently I almost killed myself, due to the emotional stress she is putting me under, work stress, past unresolved issues, and the like. She had called the police, I begged her to take the gun and key from me, which she did. Then I admitted myself for treatment of severe depression and anxiety, then while I'm receiving treatment, she slaps me with an Ex Parte Order of Protection, and now she is lying to her parents about me. Saying things like I locked my stepson in his room for hours at a time, causing him to get sick and/or pee in his room.

My question is, what is there I can do about this? What *SHOULD* I do about this? I have texts and stuff where she says I'm a good father, and where she says I could call her from the facility I was in.(The order was granted because she stated I harassed her, coerced her, sexually assaulted her, and put her in apprehension of her safety due to immediate physical danger, even though I never had a loaded firearm around her until I begged her to take it from me.) I just don't know what I need to do or should do to fight this, so I can see my kids, and then if I should file for the divorce before she can, or what?
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby massdad1234 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 9:36 pm

I think you need to make sure you deal with what you are going on but a parent shouldn't be removed from a child's life for getting help. Your are their dad no matter what and you need to get help for your issues.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby PerniciousLord » Thu Jan 04, 2018 9:48 pm

Yeah, I am getting help for my depression and anxiety. I've got medication, plus I have a health assessment appointment next Wednesday, then a psych eval next month, and then I'll have weekly therapist visits. I already feel more level-headed being on my depression/anxiety medication, it's just the stress of all this jacking me up now.

On a side note, I wish she'd go back and get help herself, I have a ton of evidence as to her talking about wanting to kill herself because she can't handle the kids, or life, or this, or that.

I even have evidence as to the kind of mother she really is, I just hate to bring all that up until I have a residence in case they take the kids away from her.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:32 am

Focus on you and getting healthy first before looking at a custody battle. You are essentially saying, you shouldn't lose access for getting help but the mother should?
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby Chicyn2001 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 10:32 am

Yea, what massdad said. You've got to acknowledge your issues first (which it appears you're doing). Get the help you need and then get more. You need to go overboard on this. We've all got our issues but it'll speak volumes if you get into a custody hearing and you can show everything you've done to make yourself a better dad. The stress and anxiety will compound during a divorce so get whatever help you can. Does your employer have an EAP program or are you getting help outside of work?

Don't worry about the lies she's telling but make sure you have that DAR running constantly. I learned early on that lies will be told to family, friends, kids, acquaintances and there wasn't much I could do about it. Stay the course and focus on you and the kids. She may claim that you've abused her emotionally throughout the marriage but it doesn't matter. You can disagree all you want with that but it's her perception. I think the fact that you've sought help for issues you've identified is a strong start and her aversion to having "anyone to analyze her head, and possibly put her back on meds" helps your case.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby PerniciousLord » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:00 am

I was saying that I wish she would go back and get help for her issues, I think her issues are a major part of why our relationship has failed. She just doesn't want to because of whatever excuse is relevant at the time.

I'm getting everything set up to make sure I get the help that I need, just got off the phone with my case worker, made an appointment to meet with him, then I'll get weekly calls from him to see how I'm doing/handling things, then I'll also be set up with a therapist/psychiatrist to work through all MY issues. I feel like I'm off to a pretty good start. While I was in the hospital seeking treatment for my depression/anxiety, I read two parenting books. I'm planning on purchasing/finding more and continuing to educate myself, to make myself look better, and help myself be a better father. Hopefully.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby Broken Machine » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:29 am

The accusations your wife is throwing at you are of the same type that my STBX has said about me as well. So much has been thrown out that I discovered that some accusations even conflict each other. Your wife's lies do not matter, that is true. But also understand that she is throwing out these accusations to justify the < feces > she is doing. She "needs" you to be the villain in her story because she is the "victim" and wants the sympathy of her sycophants. This is a tired, overplayed, and cliché script that women play.

And good on you acknowledging your issues and getting constructive help for them. But on your suicide situation, glad you pulled through. I understand (and that is all I am going to say about it). And now you know that you have a desire to live. Let that drive you through your divorce. Let that motivate you to keep improving yourself with the goal of being a better dad and all round person. I too worried that my STBX would use me having OCD/GAD against me. My lawyer and psychologist said that unless there are hospitalizations involved then there is nothing to be done about it. So as long as you still function, go to work, earn your living, are law abiding; you are good to go.

If you are certain that you want a divorce, get the ball rolling. Don't wait. 50/50 parenting time is the hill to die on. Get that negotiated first before anything else. Get a recorder as mentioned before. Also, do NOT move out.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:56 am

its tough and you have done the right think seeking help. You are doing it for you and your child, who is counting on and loves his dad no matter what. They just want to you in their lives and mom can't stop that and you still need to make sure you are healthy.

None of that is reason to have your child taken away from you, but until you have solid foundation, you have to constantly put their best interests first. By doing that, you are ensuring that when the time is right, you will not be denied access to your child.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby PerniciousLord » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:59 am

Due to the restraining order I was served when I admitted myself for hospital treatment, I am no longer able to reside on the premises. So, that's already out the door, unfortunately. I have a lot of text messages saved, however, that show her history of depression/anxiety/suicidal intent. I also have text messages where she states that she cannot handle our children, or where she calls herself a horrible mother, or where she admits to emotionally(and almost physically) cheating on me.
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Re: Looking at a divorce...

Unread postby massdad1234 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 12:09 pm

your focus isn't the sins of the mother, but your strengths. Set aside your legal rights for a second because no dad should lose rights that seeks treatment. <-------see the period?

Unless you caused harm to your child, i find it hard to believe you won't have legal recourse to be reunited and until you make your case about you, not about the mother, you have work to do.
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