Fair and Equitable???

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Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Mellman10 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:22 pm

All
Let me first say my situation is not as complex as probably 99% of you all. I can't imagine how you all feel cause I am mentally and surprisingly physically drained and going to counseling.
What should have been uncontested is not because I thought her demands of splitting home sale proceeds were not fair.
Background:
Married 18yrs( 14yrs too long). Add all the good days we probably had 3-4 good years, MAYBE.
No kids ( should be easy right? Wrong)
In recent home 14.5 years. Just this past Sept she started paying half of the $1700 mtg. I paid 70% for years before she finally started increasing... without me asking because I only asked once for an extra $100/mth when she was giving me $400/mth. I was/still paying all utilites, cable, internet, landline phone ( when there was one), ins for both vehicle ( she got 2 new vehicles during that time), home ins, payed off $5.6K of one of her vehicles, paid for vacations, and stupidly upgraded her ring ($5.5K) a few years back....smh
Our salaries over the years have been fairly close with me being ahead by $5-7K. But during OT years I would be $10K - $15K. There have been 5 of those really good OT years

Communication has always been a problem. She yells/insults, i stupidly would take it and let her vent.
July told me she wanted a divorce. I agreed
Told me she wanted to keep the dog AND wanted $40K of the money she paid for home upgrade items minus what I paid for repairs which would bring her to apprx $33K.
She proceeded to tell me in letters ( we are not really speaking but live in same house) she wanted a divorce in Aug, Sept and Oct. The last letter said that if I didn't agree to get a lawyer because this will be contested..... So I did. My lawyer filed divorce papers, had her served at home. She has gone Real Housewife on me because I JUMP THE GUN AND FILED as she has been telling people....???? She has sent a letter to my job, to H.R. accusing me of stealing from them. My job knew of the items that I was authorized to have and found her claim to be frivolous. H.R. director who has gone through a nasty divorce just shakes his head when he sees me and says he feels for me... Did I say that letter went out after she was served. Part of the servicer was the S.O. she has clearly violated. I also have her on record on 2 separate occasions saying she is going to send another letter. Where or to who I dont know. I really wish I could share how bad it was when I had contractors working on the house and she went ballastic on me and the contractors to the point I had to ask them to leave and I had to leave for a few days. My atty could only cover her mouth and shake her head as she listened.
My atty doesn't think my STBX will be awarded reimburement for the $33K.... But I wanted to get a feel from any of you who may have had similar demands from you EX and how did it turn out? I've been told many times fair and equitable does not mean 50/50 but my calculations ( have just about all my bank statements and bills) I've paid in more than she has with mtg and bills alone. Just wouldn't seem fair. Please share your experience if you had something similar. Thanks
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:29 pm

Other than the madness and the stupid accusations which strongly suggest your wife is a real nut job, all this stuff about who paid for what, when, during the course of the marriage, does not matter one bit. Both (marital) assets and debt will be divided roughly 50/50, probably very close to 50/50 considering that your wife's earning capacity is very close to yours. Consider yourself lucky for that aspect (earning capacity), and for the fact that you don't have kids with her.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Chicyn2001 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:48 pm

Unfortunately, what Lionel said is correct. Doesn't make a difference what you paid for and what she paid for. I would think your biggest issue is going to be dividing up physical assets. On the surface, this should be an easier process without kids involved but she seems a bit irrational. My STBX is the same way. She said she wanted a divorce but didn't do anything about it so you file and then she tells everyone it's all your fault and you weren't willing to work at it. It's a no-win situation. Oh, and welcome to the site. Keep reading.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby Mellman10 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:07 pm

Thanks Gentlemen... As far as other marital property, when her lawyer answered with her demands I agreed to everything she wanted to keep. None of that "stuff" really mattered to me except for keeping one of the beds atleast. I just want out and away!! Sometimes I just can concentrate thinking about all the things she has said to me in my face... by the way of which she told me " I hope you are recording this cause I am" All the emails I got from her over the years saying she wanted a divorce,... and me groveling in sadness trying to make things right and not have the marriage fail. I know we all have our faults. I most certainly do. I just wish I would have walked away the 1st... or the 2nd time she "kicked" me out.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby massdad1234 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:51 pm

add it all up and divide by 2. Is there a house? Can one afford to buy the other out? Otherwise, this should move quickly if you want it to.

But, give something to get what you want, don't just give everything away and then expect to negotiate something, quid pro quo.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby HaltAndCatchFire » Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:54 pm

Do you want to get divorced, or do you want to argue with your wife? Because it sounds like you're seeking emotional justice with the latter.

If the two of you cannot agree upon a division of assets, then tell your attorney to schedule a final hearing and let the judge parcel up your belongings. Be thankful your divorce action is not a candidate for alimony.
The only way out is through.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby lionel2013 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 4:35 pm

Do you want to get divorced, or do you want to argue with your wife? Because it sounds like you're seeking emotional justice with the latter.


I strongly second this.

You need to separate your emotions from the business called divorce - because that's what divorce is, a business transaction. Especially in your situation since you don't have kids.

I know it's easier said than done, but the sooner you achieve this, the better off you will be.
Whenever you think divorce is bad, remember there are worse things than divorce.
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Re: Fair and Equitable???

Unread postby TJinCA » Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:41 pm

It sounds like through 18 years of marriage the two of you never really combined your finances, which seems, well - to each their own I guess...

But just to make things clear:

- Everything that either of you earned during the marriage is considered your joint property marital funds, owned equally by both of you. It doesn't matter whose name was on the paycheck. (there are a few exceptions, like inheritances, but that's the basic concept)

- Everything that got paid for during the marriage is considered to have been paid for equally by both of you. Includes mortgage, cars, bills, vacations, ring upgrade, etc. Doesn't matter who made the payment or whose paycheck the money came out of.

- Everything you acquired during the marriage is community property, owned equally by both of you. Doesn't matter whose name is or is not on the deed, title, registration, mortgage, account. It will all be subject to division in the divorce. If your state uses "community property" division rules it will most likely be 50-50, if your state uses "equitable distribution" it may be unequal if one or the other of you has a significant financial advantage like separate property assets or a high salary. Similarly, any debts incurred are considered equally shared, even if it's "your" boat or "her" credit card.

The easiest and cheapest way to take care of this is to treat it like a business transaction. Come to an agreement between yourselves, write it up and send it to the judge to make it official. Some of the best advice I got was that if you feel like you're getting a little bit screwed, go ahead and sign off on the deal. The more you get lawyers involved the more difficult and expensive the whole thing will become.
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