I’m having an emotional affair

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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:10 pm

gamingdad Interesting.. I would have thought telling would be necessary for proper reconciliation (informed consent kind of?). I’d much rather not tell her.

Trevor No kidding. I think that’s going to be the larger issue she has with it, especially with all our problems, it’s not like she’s going to struggle to believe it.

Anyway. I want to be prepared when I talk to her because I don’t want to be trying to figure stuff out about custody in an already stressful situation. I’d rather already know what the options are, and my position, before I talk to her.

So about my question from earlier: It can’t be an uncommon problem to have one parent work unreliable hours, right? So what do those people do for custody schedules? What are the options for a situation like this?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby LovingDadof2 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 6:16 am

133 - Sounds like you are trying to be honest with yourself. I commend you for that. I disagree with some of the advice you are receiving.

If your wife agrees to try and save the marriage, but you will not be able to live with yourself (for not being honest), then I say you tell her. If this will eat you up inside and consume you, then the chances of your marriage making it are basically 0% no matter how hard you both try. If this is your personality, then you will never be able to fully work on saving your relationship b/c you will constantly be reminded of the festering lie. You know yourself better than anyone else on this forum. You need to live for you and nobody else.

Yes, by telling her the odds of her wanting to save the marriage decrease, but there is 0% chance of saving marriage if you won't be able to live with yourself. All tough choices that only you can make.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 8:26 am

One parent has physical custody, the other doesn't. One has a higher percentage of overnights, the other has less. It can work however you two decide, or you can go with every other weekend.

Whatever you have been doing in reality, expect some push back if you expect her to renounce that much time, especially if it goes against her narrative (I work all the time because ____) or it ruins any affair she has right now.

It doesn't sound like you want to save the marriage kr that it's worth saving based on what you have described. If that is the case, no need to talk about your feelings etc. Lastly, if you couldn't handle the guilt, then don't do it. Don't make your inability to bear the burden of your choices someone else's problem.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby Trevor » Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:50 am

massdad1234 wrote:Don't make your inability to bear the burden of your choices someone else's problem.

Doesn't sound like he's choosing anything, except possibly to bury his sexual orientation (i.e., repression).

Despite his early objections in this thread, he's probably just gay. Staying in a marriage like this is false and unhealthy unless remaining in it is agreed upon fully (and with full knowledge of the sexual orientations) by both parties, with the express purpose of collaborating in the raising of the kids. Indeed, he needs to tell his wife that he is gay, and probably always has been, but was repressing it. No need to broach the subject of his married crush, because it's a dead-end anyway. It's just a symptom of the real issue.

While possible, there will be the obvious issues that arise when mom needs to get laid or Dad wants to be with his boyfriend. I can't wrap my head around false marriages, or even false relationships.

OP, dump the man-crush, tell her you realize you are gay, but that want to guarantee the child is raised with two parents. How could this be worse than some "pray away the gay" < bovine scat >, repressing your true nature, and faking it? Do you think the child won't someday smell the coffee, then have to wrestle with how mom and Dad deceived him all these years?
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 12:59 pm

I don't think the orientation has anything to do with the relationship failing and we are saying the same things :lol: :lol: Because its not like they had a great relationship and the sex part was always off. It sounded like nothing was good and they have been going through the motions. What does OP being gay have anything to do with that?

get divorced, keep your yap shut about liking guys, and when the time is right, talk about it with all your family or none of it. I simply am stating that his sexual orientation should have zero merit in this case, so why even bring it up? Same thing with the "emotional" infidelity, has nothing to do with the dissolution of marriage. Deal with the most pressing issue, moving on with lives. Then figure out who the heck OP wants to be in his life.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby Trevor » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:28 pm

OP knows best his wife. Maybe she's a raging homophobe, who knows?

Personally, I would have felt somewhat differently had my then-spouse cheated with a woman rather than a man. Put more clearly, I would've seen the futility of reconciliation if she'd approached me before she cheated to say "I think I am gay" - I would have worked with her to figure the divorce differently, and more importantly, think we could've come to agreement on parenting time.

Yes, I know cheating is cheating. Odd as it seems, it tends to be more threatening to a person, and opens up ideas of comparison (we see it here every day - the new guy is a drug addict, dangerous, fat and bald, whatever), when the spouse's lover is the same gender.

That's why I think it's better for OP to come clean about his sexual orientation with the mother of his children.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby afc » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:31 pm

I guess what sticks for me is saying this is an "affair".

Personally, I believe that emotional affairs are largely bull < feces >. Sure this is really close to a physical affair but the line hasnt been crossed.

So to toss a loaded word like "affair" into this, just seems like tossing a grenade where none is needed.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby Trevor » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:35 pm

Agreed, and underscoring that talking to his STBX about the "relationship" with OP's boy toy is not what I mean when I say he should consider revealing his sexual orientation to her.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby 133pm » Mon Jan 08, 2018 6:47 pm

I like the idea of not telling her, which is why I think it must be the wrong thing to do. Easy way out or something. Maybe just mentioning sexuality but not friend is the middle ground. She’s not a raging homophobe. It might make her feel better. She likes facts and things that make sense, and this info certainly explains some things.

Trevor wrote:OP, dump the man-crush,

I did.

tell her you realize you are gay, but that want to guarantee the child is raised with two parents. How could this be worse than some "pray away the gay" < bovine scat >, repressing your true nature, and faking it? Do you think the child won't someday smell the coffee, then have to wrestle with how mom and Dad deceived him all these years?

That’s a good point. No praying planned but yes repressing. It’s fairly important to me that my kids feel like I don’t lie to them / I’m trustworthy. I don’t even lie to them about Santa (it’s still fun and magical but they’ve always known it’s me). So yeah that’s not really something I want. I doubt she’ll want to be in a fake marriage either tbh so that’ll solve that problem right there.

ETA: I’ve wondered about that a lot why she hasn’t already filed. Is it too cynical to say I think it’s about money? I do because I calculated child support online (something I think she has likely done too) and she’s extremely underpaying right now. She gives me $500/month. The calculator said $776/week. I think that’s why. I think if I tell her I’m fine with status quo, she’s going to be ok to divorce. She doesn’t get anything else from this arrangement that I can tell.
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Re: I’m having an emotional affair

Unread postby massdad1234 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:12 pm

I find it telling your wondering what she will think/trying to get into her mind to know what she will do. Unless you didn't explain something, that is something she has never really cared about, and to be honest neither did you. I think there is a lot of projecting from dads here that their marriages ended on an affair or something similar, so I think that element is at play.

For all intents and purposes, you are a slam dunk primary parent (following status quo as it has been outlined) and the STBX is ok with that. Assets/debts is added up and divided by two. This has to be one of the least complicated divorces on this site that I have read.

For some reason we need to tell a spouse who won't give 2 rips that they are gay (probably to satisfy those cheated on's desire for justice) that you want a divorce, and probably will only start to care when it comes to money. NONE of that is OP's problem/place to care. She apparently can and is working to support herself. OP could easily file for exclusive use of the home, but its weird. Nobody is taking an aggressive approach (maybe because they were the primary bread winner who was caught of guard?).

What i'm saying is, this is pretty simple. You don't want to be with her, she doesn't want to be with you. Status quo is you are the primary parent and she can support herself. Based on that, file as primary, put an offer in front of her and get this thing moving, unless.......
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